Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP wants more money

464 replies

Itsnotbeeneasy · 18/02/2024 01:01

Trying to keep this as concise without losing the detail or drip feeding!!

4 kids in total - blended family. 2 each. I moved into DPs house 2.5 years ago

When I moved in I asked how much he would want in contribution each month - he was unsure so I asked for vague bill amounts (utilities and mortgage) each month and then added extra for me and my 2 kids being here, halved the total and that’s what I pay. This was half to mortgage and all utilities/bills. He was v.happy with the initial figure

Obvs as we all know bills have increased since so I have increased my payment each month slightly without him asking. Then - he let slip that I was paying more than he was per month. Bear in mind I’m paying half his mortgage.

DP is now asking for a higher contribution again but is flatly refusing to let me see bills for utilities to work out the fair figures stating that if I have any record of these then I would have a claim to his property - which as said is in his name - and instead wants me to pluck a figure out of the air that I would ‘be happy with’

I will add I own nothing - I’ve only just got myself out of debt, no property etc. If we split I’d be homeless and renting - no savings. He has told me time and time again that he has £150k+ of equity in his property and keeps throwing in that he could buy a small property and be mortgage free

I think this conversation is a knee jerk reaction to this months salary I revived which has been a lot higher than ‘normal’ - and I quote he said ‘if I was paid that salary I wouldn’t have any issues’ - I have just received £4.5k after tax this month - a lot higher than usual as I’m on commission. I earn between £2.5k-4k usually after tax each month and until now had been paying off debts - finally clear now (mortgage shortfall on my house and debts my ex husband put in my name - it’s been really shit)

Its all felt very grabby tonight - I told him when I moved in that I wanted to save enough to buy a rental property so my kids have an asset it at least have a decent savings account - at the point I can do that he is now asking for more money.

Please help. I dont want to use gaslit as a throwaway phrase but I need some opinions

OP posts:
Lurkerusually · 18/02/2024 03:10

Adjust your household payment to take off amount owed for sofa every month. Also don’t change payment until you get sight of bills and mortgage.

One thing you can do is look on a comparison website. You don’t need to see the bills but look on your gas / electric meters and get a reading … work out your monthly usage. Equally you can do same for your other utilities!! And even with a bit of sleuthing you could prob work out what % rate he’s paying in mortgage payments etc.

As for entitlement you would be able to claim if you can show you’ve made a contribution to mortgage. However getting a lawyer to fight your case at a later stage might not be worth what you could claim back depending on how long you’ve lived there and how much you have put in.

Overall he seems a bit of an ass. You should think about saving up your own deposit to buy somewhere you and your kids can escape to if it all goes pear shaped. Don’t go on a joint mortgage with him if he’s financially unreliable.. that might backfire.

Don’t discuss your salary with him again! Not until he’s willing to be clear in his finances with you!

TiredCatLady · 18/02/2024 03:11

£4.5k on a sofa?! What else have you paid for round the house?

What were you doing before you moved in with him? Rental/mortgage? You mention the latter, do you have a house of your own given you mentioned getting a rental property for your kids.

Lurkerusually · 18/02/2024 03:16

Also you’d definitely get nothing if he died unless he has listed you as beneficiary on his life insurance or pensions.

Likely the money would all go to his children in trust then the trustee would be the guardian of his bio children. That would probably be the bio mum or grandparents. You wouldn’t have a right to live in the house anymore. As you’re not married you wouldn’t even get bereavement payments.

Sorry OP sounds like he’s just talking bollocks!

WandaWonder · 18/02/2024 03:32

Itsnotbeeneasy · 18/02/2024 01:29

The faulty sofa btw - all in my name!!! Was £4.5k. I paid the deposit and all subsequent payments despite him saying he would pay half. So now I’m currently waiting for the refund.

Why on earth would anyone pay this much on a sofa if you have money worries even half?

Maybe spend the money being independent from a partner? And stand on your own 2 feet

Dashel · 18/02/2024 03:49

I would be saving as much as possible and be prioritising getting your own place. Half the mortgage and bills with nothing to show for it doesn’t seem fair.

Get a refund for the sofa and get him to buy one. If you moved out would you be taking it and would you want to spend that much? If desperate you could get a second hand set of Facebook for speed so you aren’t sitting on the floor

Ghuunvg · 18/02/2024 03:50

Half the mortgage.... There is an argument that says you would-be paying someone's mortgage wherever you rented, so okay

But all the bills? Why?

Wanna17 · 18/02/2024 03:53

You don't spins compatible at all, you're earning loads so can easily afford to move out!

Muthaofcats · 18/02/2024 03:55

You have zero legal rights atm. Paying towards his mortgage won’t give you rights to his property on separation or death and the only way to try to prove the intention was that you were acquiring a right is very legally tricky and sounds like you’ve no evidence to back this up either. If he dies it all goes to his kids and you’re out.

It sounds like the reason you’re staying is mostly because it is still costing you less than it would if you were living solo? I don’t judge this btw, totally get where you’re coming from.

If it was me I would know longer term I was out but I’d have a quiet plan to get myself into a position to leave as soon as I safely could and then never look back. Stop buying stuff for his home. Try to get away with paying as little as possible and get yourself an emergency escape fund then leave asap!!

Xis · 18/02/2024 04:34

I will start by saying that I think this man has got greedy in wanting more money from you and is likely lying when he says that you’ll control all his assets if he dies suddenly.

That won’t happen automatically. He will have to take steps like naming you as beneficiary in his will and his death in service benefits. He has children so he’s unlikely to do this and make you sole beneficiary if you benefit at all.

However, I don’t think it’s helpful to consider that your monetary contribution is paying towards his mortgage. You’re paying rent to house you and your children. What he does with the money is his business, unless he has assured you, and you can evidence, that your contribution is intended to be a stake in the ownership of his home.

Surely the fairest way to decide how much you should pay would be to make a payment to cover the increase in the bills due to your family moving in, then split the typical rental amount you would be paying if you had to rent somewhere? You pay him half the typical rent amount. That way you both get a financial benefit from you moving in.

And yeah. As things stand, if you move out, you take your sofa with you.

Olivie12 · 18/02/2024 04:43

I agree that you should pay some rent, although not half.

As for bills he should show you the bills and then split in half, or better yet, a % proportional to your salary. He can't just increase bills without ever showing you the amounts he pays. Even when you rent a room they show you the bills then split. Doesn't sound fair.

RantyAnty · 18/02/2024 04:48

Yes he's being greedy and grabby I would stop telling him how much money you make. it's none of his business. You wouldn't get anything if you split up at all. I guess he's completely 50/50 on the household chores too isn't he?

Autumn1990 · 18/02/2024 04:57

You can roughly work out the bills.
read the gas and electric meters at the beginning of the month and at the end. The electric is an easy calculation of units used x price cap rate which I think is 29p per kWh. Gas is more complicated as you need to know if meter reads in cubic meters or feet and then do a conversion sum to kWhs.
If you’re on a water meter it’s fairly straightforward each area company has a flat rate for incoming water and multiply u it’s used by that. It’s 50p where I live. If its water rates these are available on line but not easy to find. First you find the banding for the house then search for the corresponding cost.
council tax is the same. Search for the band then the cost per band per parish or similar.

Noideawwhatsoccuring · 18/02/2024 05:00

There’s red flags here. And as someone who has a do live with them, he is taking the piss.

In regards to the house, paying towards the mortgage might entitle you to some of the equity. It won’t entitle you to half the equity. It’s not an easy fight as it could be viewed as rent.

and it’s quite likely that it could cost more in legal fees than you would receive, if he doesn’t agree to just give you the money. These sort of claims work better for people who have paid in for a lot longer or have paid huge amounts to building work and improvements. Have you done that? A ridiculous amount on a sofa wouldn’t count.

AllyLond · 18/02/2024 05:01

It’s an absolute lose lose situation for you. Think about your children and yourself first. He is being mercenary. Any side of you that’s cares for him needs curtailing. Be logical not emotional and do for yourself and your children. It’s hard to do but totally necessary for you and your childrens long term wellbeing. I truly wish you all the best

Mylittlepea · 18/02/2024 05:17

We won’t show you the bills: don’t ever tell him what you’ve earned again.

Red flags OP x

Mylittlepea · 18/02/2024 05:18

*he won’t !

mirax · 18/02/2024 05:37

The bigger picture, Op, is this : you seem to have a pattern of picking men who prey on you. The ex lumbered you with debts which you have only just paid off, the current one has you contributing to half his mortgage and now wants more. You may need to examine why and how you get into these situations because you make yourself and your DC very vulnerable.

MiltonNorthern · 18/02/2024 06:45

You shouldn't be paying a penny towards the mortgage. Half the bills sure, but the mortgage is his responsibility and his asset!
When my DH moved in we agreed he would pay 1/3 of the bills (as I have a teenager) and when we got married he started paying half the mortgage. We drew up an agreement as to how much equity is mine in the event of divorce before we split the rest 50/50. No way would I have expected him to pay towards the mortgage (or to pay me 'rent'!! He wasn't a lodger) before we got married.

Twiglets1 · 18/02/2024 06:46

After 2.5 years I would expect to be treated more like a partner than this.

Carry on saving @Itsnotbeeneasy he doesn’t sound like someone I would want to rely on long term & I would find it hard to love someone I couldn’t trust to treat me as an equal in the relationship.

Sapphire387 · 18/02/2024 06:54

You describe yourselves as a blended family but he clearly doesn't see you as a family.

I'd move out with my kids, personally.

ohdamnitjanet · 18/02/2024 06:58

Itsnotbeeneasy · 18/02/2024 01:29

The faulty sofa btw - all in my name!!! Was £4.5k. I paid the deposit and all subsequent payments despite him saying he would pay half. So now I’m currently waiting for the refund.

Either keep the receipt and take it when you can afford to move, or deduct half from your payments to him. How dare he demand more money without showing you utility bills? That’s nuts. He will be the one worse off if you leave him. With nowhere to sit.

Nagado · 18/02/2024 07:07

He wants you to commit to him financially by sharing everything you have with him. But he’s not even willing to let you see the household bills? Not exactly give and take, is it?

You’re not a blended family. You’re a lodger he has sex with. Except a lodger has more financial privacy, wouldn’t be expected to contribute in addition to the rent/bills and probably has more legal rights. I can see what’s in it for him, but what’s in this for you?

Pheeeeebs · 18/02/2024 07:10

I hope you listen to people here bc he is using you as a lodger to subsidize his own bills/lifestyle, when yuo split you will be entitled to nothing, zero, nada, zilch. At least keep your self worth and dignity. Your children are watching and learning do not give their money away to this corrupt man.

When he is out move out, with your sofa. He is showing you himself… don’t ignore his behavior and be a door mat again

Az for the mortgage contributions, I know someone who did make a claim and it cost them over £20k in solicitors fees, solicitors will be the only winner of trying to get any funds from his house. Just leave bc even if you do accumulate savings he will spend it! The fridge will break, a flood, or something else will go wrong

youtwoandme · 18/02/2024 07:11

You let your ex husband financially abuse you and leave you in debt. Now you're letting this deceitful, greedy waste of time do the same? (Minus the debt)
Think of your children and YOUR future. It's your money, not his!!!!!!

kiwiane · 18/02/2024 07:11

The sofa is yours - take it when you leave. He isn’t a partner - won’t let you see household bills so reduce payments to cover utilities and food as otherwise you want a share of the house or to marry him! That should shut him up for a while.
It could take you a while to find a rental but keep building your savings whilst you look. Stop bailing him out and keep your finances private too. One last summer….