DP wants more money

[Itsnotbeeneasy]

Trying to keep this as concise without losing the detail or drip feeding!!

4 kids in total - blended family. 2 each. I moved into DPs house 2.5 years ago

When I moved in I asked how much he would want in contribution each month - he was unsure so I asked for vague bill amounts (utilities and mortgage) each month and then added extra for me and my 2 kids being here, halved the total and that’s what I pay. This was half to mortgage and all utilities/bills. He was v.happy with the initial figure

Obvs as we all know bills have increased since so I have increased my payment each month slightly without him asking. Then - he let slip that I was paying more than he was per month. Bear in mind I’m paying half his mortgage.

DP is now asking for a higher contribution again but is flatly refusing to let me see bills for utilities to work out the fair figures stating that if I have any record of these then I would have a claim to his property - which as said is in his name - and instead wants me to pluck a figure out of the air that I would ‘be happy with’

I will add I own nothing - I’ve only just got myself out of debt, no property etc. If we split I’d be homeless and renting - no savings. He has told me time and time again that he has £150k+ of equity in his property and keeps throwing in that he could buy a small property and be mortgage free

I think this conversation is a knee jerk reaction to this months salary I revived which has been a lot higher than ‘normal’ - and I quote he said ‘if I was paid that salary I wouldn’t have any issues’ - I have just received £4.5k after tax this month - a lot higher than usual as I’m on commission. I earn between £2.5k-4k usually after tax each month and until now had been paying off debts - finally clear now (mortgage shortfall on my house and debts my ex husband put in my name - it’s been really shit)

Its all felt very grabby tonight - I told him when I moved in that I wanted to save enough to buy a rental property so my kids have an asset it at least have a decent savings account - at the point I can do that he is now asking for more money.

Please help. I dont want to use gaslit as a throwaway phrase but I need some opinions

Op this is a crazy situation to be in. You're contributing to his mortgage but have no claim on it?? I think legally you would have a claim to the house but why is your DP so keen that you have nothing when you are a couple? You need to stop paying the mortgage and just half of the utilities. If DP isn't happy then move out and rent, you'd be far better off. Your DP sounds unattractively greedy.

Absolutely this.

don’t pay the cocklodger’s mortgage if he hasn’t put you on it.

Op legally you may have a claim on the house to the value that you put in. It is the payment towards the mortgage which is potentially relevant - having visibility over the bills makes absolutely no difference.

He appears to consider you a cash cow rather than a partner so I would limit my payment to bills only for the moment and save up to move out.

Yeah OP just tell him you'd have a claim on the house if you're paying towards mortgage! He'd have a fit

So you moved into his house 2.5 years ago, but how long have you been together?

what were your joint plans 2.5 years ago?

because at the moment this sounds like a landlord vs tenant relationship. Why did you decide to move in?

you are in a very vulnerable financial situation right now. Time to start planning long term. If he is honest about you taking control of everything upon his death, then time to put it in writing through appropriate legal route.

I think you already know this - but if he is not being transparent with money, you should not be either. Do not tell him how much you have earned.

I’d take time to explore properties for first time buyers/assisted schemes as you may already have enough for a deposit, but in the 3m it would take you to set it up, find a property, you could definitely have enough plus a little on the side for ikea beds for the kids/second hand sofa etc (and any furniture you’ve bought personally in DPs house).

A friend of mine did this after her divorce, renting for 3 years, and was regarded as a first time buyer despite having have a joint mortgage previously with her ex.

You don’t have to split up, if you don’t want to, but I would definitely plan to move out.

I’m not a fan of the MN trope that you shouldn’t “pay towards a mortgage you aren’t on” - that’s called rent. You are renting from him. That’s not - on it’s own - problematic to me.

That said, in this situation I’d leave. He’s suppose to be a partner and by not being transparent he’s treating you as a cash dispenser rather than a life partner. Of course you need to see the bills if he’s asking for half. How else will you know what’s reasonable.

I’d ask him for half the sofa.

Buy a place for you and your kids.

Really interesting to read the responses which I agree with following the post yesterday where a female asked if her pip should be included and everyone was saying he should pay half the mortgage including the overpayment and half of all bills as he was benefiting so.
Back to OP, if he wants more money he needs to be open about costs. If not, don’t pay.

OP just a word of caution. Ex-DP and I bought a house over 20 years ago. Mortgage in his sole name due to my previous commitments. I earned more and paid childcare costs for us both to work that totalled £71.000. I paid all the bills snd holidays and supported us all when he had long periods of sickness and unemployment. We had to separate as he attacked our son after drinking.. To get my share involves a court case under TOLATA rules which could cost £20.000 in legal fees . The only good thing I did was have a restriction on the deeds that prevents a sale without my permission. Please protect yourself OP and buy that property or build savings in case you split. Don’t let him badger you into paying his costs . As a consequence of my stupidity and trust I will have to work well into my 70s .

This.

Stop focusing on ‘half the mortgage’ the reality is if you were living elsewhere, you would be paying rent. This is a complete red herring.

You need to get more financially independent. You need a plan for your future and that of your children.
Now that you are debt free, what are your plans?

If you want to purchase a home then you need a deposit plus enough for solicitors fees etc. If the plan is a house purchase then make this your goal and stop spending money on furniture - particularly very expensive furniture!!

Stop telling him about your salary. Financial transparency is a two way street and it is clear he has no intention to share this with you.

Lastly, paying half bills and some form of ‘rent’ towards where you and your children are living is normal, would you not say?

I also would not give any new partner a stake in my property, I would absolutely safeguard it for my children. He is doing the right thing for his kids, you should be doing the same for yours.

Has he said anything about marriage?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/money-matters/5009426-how-to-split-bills-and-consider-income?page=3&reply=133117124

OP been living there 2.5 years house with equity was already all his. Has OP got strong paper trail to say she has contributed to the mortgage eg bank transfer £330 mortgage?
No - she has no claim - the house would have had to go up in value in that time and that amount would be what the op has contributed to but how much and how long would it take for her to prove all this
OP needs to sort her own spending out stop letting men drain her finances and stay or go whichever she decides.
The amount she's been paying would maybe be similar or less to as if she had been renting.
And cock lodger could counteract that he has enabled her to pay her debts off.
Be realistic.

Those saying that she's paying him rent and would be paying rent otherwise - yes, technically true, but he doesn't need it, and having a partner live with you brings (or should bring) other benefits above financial. If you have a mortgage and rent out a room to a lodger to help pay it you're trading a disadvantage (sharing your space) for an advantage. If you have a partner move in and pay rent to you then you're getting two advantages. It's mean spirited to charge a partner financially 'just because they would have been paying rent anyway'. I would expect the partner without the asset to use the opportunity to save their own pot of money either to contribute to the asset in future or to develop their own financial security. If the partner with the asst charges rent just because they can, they end up with the asset (and the extra money they glean from their partner) and the other partner ends up with nothing. How is that a partnership?

You’ve both been incredibly naive moving in and paying his mortgage with no cohabitation agreement or legal advice. When a long term partner moved into my home our solicitors made it abundantly clear that in order to not have a claim on my property they must not pay for the mortgage or upkeep/improvements to the building.

Get out of there. He isn't showing you bills and is allowing you to contribute more than 50%. He is also allowing you to pay off his mortgage whilst you have no claim to it. See a solicitor and see if you can claim back the money you paid for the mortgage. That is not a partnership. He is taking you for a ride. I would rather pay a landlords mortgage than set this user up for life

The only way forward is either to buy your own property or buy a house together in joint names. You are contributing to a mortgage and probably have no claim on this house. It's a waste of time. He sounds mean and selfish. Get out would be my advice.

Legally in England you have no right to his.home when you split, nor when he dies. He sounds very greedy and grabby, happy to drain your money for his benefit. I'd start saving up for a place of my own. You could rent it out until you need it. As you won't be able to live with him forever, unless you married. I'd downplay it as, leaving an asset for your children.

I think there are some things to think about

paying rent does not give you a share to his house and neither should it. Consider how much you’re laying vs simply taking out your own rental and all associated monthly bills. Is it more/less?

if you’re a partnership you should both agree and understand what total living costs are and agree to pay appropriately and in fair share

as you’re not married you have no legal
rights. You’re not his next of kin and are not entitled to anything either in the event of separation or death - unless he has a will name you as beneficiary and names you as that on his death in service benefit etc

I wouldn’t have an issue, at least in short term when moving in simply paying rent, but as and if relationship progressed, became longer term I’d want to understand plans to either part own house or buy one together or buy a property and rent it out in my own make etc so I am building up some assets rather than just paying rent forever allowing his assets to benefit from this

If you have been contributing to the mortgage then you have a claim on the house, it's on his best interests for you to pay utilities only. He shouldn't be making money out of you. I'd move out 🤷‍♀️

Op I would get myself out as soon as I could.
However be prepared - his probably loving life with you generous contributions, so may try gaslightinging u to stay.

I really feel for you, what a terrible situation to be in! But if you want to stay with this guy you need to be on the mortgage or you two need to buy a place together with joint mortgage. There cant be any other way forward. Otherwise, you are basically providing a security to his kids while leaving your own with nothing.

But I would struggle to stay with someone who is happy with this situation - I think you need to move out and start building a secure base for yourself and your kids. But be prepared - your partner will not like it! No more free money for him.

You're paying half the mortgage and ALL the utilities? That's outrageous! You'd be better off buying a house and living there. Oh and take the fucking sofa with you

No financial disclosure and no trust in you no more money. Tell him you’re happy for him to use the amount you were paying more than him each month to cover the increase in bills.

Op doesn’t have a claim even if contributing to mortgage. She’d have to demonstrate specifically that her partner agreed to give her a beneficial interest that and it would cost her tens of thousands to dispute a case with little chance of success