DP wants more money

[Itsnotbeeneasy]

Trying to keep this as concise without losing the detail or drip feeding!!

4 kids in total - blended family. 2 each. I moved into DPs house 2.5 years ago

When I moved in I asked how much he would want in contribution each month - he was unsure so I asked for vague bill amounts (utilities and mortgage) each month and then added extra for me and my 2 kids being here, halved the total and that’s what I pay. This was half to mortgage and all utilities/bills. He was v.happy with the initial figure

Obvs as we all know bills have increased since so I have increased my payment each month slightly without him asking. Then - he let slip that I was paying more than he was per month. Bear in mind I’m paying half his mortgage.

DP is now asking for a higher contribution again but is flatly refusing to let me see bills for utilities to work out the fair figures stating that if I have any record of these then I would have a claim to his property - which as said is in his name - and instead wants me to pluck a figure out of the air that I would ‘be happy with’

I will add I own nothing - I’ve only just got myself out of debt, no property etc. If we split I’d be homeless and renting - no savings. He has told me time and time again that he has £150k+ of equity in his property and keeps throwing in that he could buy a small property and be mortgage free

I think this conversation is a knee jerk reaction to this months salary I revived which has been a lot higher than ‘normal’ - and I quote he said ‘if I was paid that salary I wouldn’t have any issues’ - I have just received £4.5k after tax this month - a lot higher than usual as I’m on commission. I earn between £2.5k-4k usually after tax each month and until now had been paying off debts - finally clear now (mortgage shortfall on my house and debts my ex husband put in my name - it’s been really shit)

Its all felt very grabby tonight - I told him when I moved in that I wanted to save enough to buy a rental property so my kids have an asset it at least have a decent savings account - at the point I can do that he is now asking for more money.

Please help. I dont want to use gaslit as a throwaway phrase but I need some opinions

I havent read the other comments but paying towards utilities, doing grocery shops etc is one thing but paying half his mortage- you have kids of your own you are paying for his kids inheritance while yours wont have anything at all.

You are more like a housemate with benefits than a partner

This is unfair. I would think.about buying a small property, if that is viable in your area. You could rent it out. It vould be a bolt hole perhaps. You should be better off financially living with him.than apart.

He sounds gross. Get your ducks in a row and start putting yourself and your children first. Gather your savings and move out asap.

.... Oh and KEEP YOUR FINANCES PRIVATE FROM HIM!!!!!!

I find it unfair that he will not divulge the bills and mortgage amounts but yet you tell him how much you earn each month.

Why do you do that?
For all you know he pays half what you do to the mortgage and less than half the bills.

Seriously, he is leading you up the garden path.
Refuse to pay a penny more. Do not increase the payment.
Suggest that DP takes some out of his beer money.

Put all your savings into a fund for a house deposit and move out, with the sofa, when you can afford to.

It is easy to blame these men for seeing women as cash cows these days but you have to change your own behaviour (speaking from experience).
I feel we try to be fair sowe are not seen to be taking advantage but then they do.

At least OP you say you have got your debts cleared now so even though you have no assets you have made a massive step to getting sorted.
If you earn commission you now have a driving force to earn more because it's going to be yours.

But if you are really honest you possibly have a bit of a spending problem. You have paid for the sofa while he is asking for half etc.
If you can't get a mortgage maybe it's time to get out and rent somewhere smaller than you would and sort your own spending out.
Or stay in the relationship and save save save.
Be honest with yourself too about your own spending.
Don't let him take advantage of you or be abusive if you stand up to him.

@Itsnotbeeneasy you need legal advice, but it sounds like you could be building a beneficial interest in his home.

Please keep your payslip to yourself. Get your house in order. If things work out, great, if not you've got a pot to use.

Also, stop buying furniture unless you are going to take the pieces with you when you leave.

So he wants you to pick a figure out the air that you would be happy with?

Tell him £200!!!

Plus you said he already told you that you were actually already paying more than him anyway?

This is nuts.

You're paying his mortgage and for expenses like furniture for a house you have no ownership of. He is using you as an income stream.

Use that extra pay as a deposit for your own rented home and get out asap.

Unless OP has been contributing to the mortgage since the house was bought, she is not paying "half his mortgage". She is contributing towards the mortgage repayments - totally different. She would have rent to pay anyway which may well be significantly more than this sum. That's a red herring.

OP, you really don't sound financially astute. Spending £4.5k on a sofa when you have absolutely no financial security is bloody madness. Paying more than agreed towards household bills without discussion is bloody madness. Focus on achieving some financial independence for you and your children. Right now, no matter the rights and wrongs of the situation, you have put your children and yourself into a very vulnerable position.

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You should not be paying half his mortgage. It is not your asset and as you are unmarried you are leaving yourself very vulnerable. Personally I would not be disclosing your salary to him and I would say you want to see the bills if he wants you to pay anything. I would be looking to leave him as you have no financial security. I certainly wouldn't buy furniture for his house.

Stop telling him what you earn, if you have months where you are paid much more than the basic put that extra money into a savings account and don’t tell him… he isn’t being open and transparent with you so why are you being with him.

How much of the housework/ childcare are ye both doing, is he doing 50%, I hope he is otherwise he has an unpaid housekeeper / childminder

Don't spend 4.5 k on a sofa, spend it on financial advice. This man is financially abusing you, get independent advice and don't believe his rubbish lies that you will 'get everything' and sight of his bills gives you rights. That's bullshit, he is either stupid or manipulative. Independent advice means you will have facts he can't argue with. Then see how he reacts.

Playing Devil's advocate here;
I see a lot of threads where the woman is earning less and expected by DP to pay in evenly - the normal response is that paying in should proportional to salary,..... when its the man who earns more.

On the other hand not allowing OP to see the actual bills is a sketchy as fuck and she probably is being taken for a ride. 170K equity how much of that is due to her payments/ should be hers?

So he knows all about your money and you know very little about his. You’re subsidising his mortgage with absolutely no long term benefit to you.
I don’t think any of this would be a problem if he was honest and open with you.

He doesn't trust you, he treats you unfairly overcharging you, hiding his situation and taking money from your kids future security, and he has a drinking problem. No way should you be blending your family with a selfish dickhead like this nor prolonging it just so you can save up a bit faster. The sofa incident alone shows he's no partner and doesn't care for you and your dc. That's no kind of home to grow up in.

Mind blowing that you've bought a £4.5k sofa. You could have spent £500 and put £4k into savings. That would have brought you one step closer to getting away from this financially abusive arse.

He's taking advantage of you financially and you are in a very precarious position. He could throw you out tomorrow and you would have no financial recourse.

Do not increase the amount you pay. Keep saving as much as you can. Stop telling him how much you earn. I suspect this relationship will implode now that you have wised up.

Well, that's sofa goes with you when you leave and the refund goes to you too if you paid for the original one.

How much does he ask you for each month? Or rather how much do you pay each month?

I too am gobsmacked you would spend £4.5k on a sofa when you have no house of your own. You have a good salary so you should be building up financial security for you and your DC. It sounds like you have been taken for a mug before by your ex. How much do you actually pay each month?

He’s not a partner - he’s used you to pay off half his mortgage!! I’d seek legal advice as to whether you can claim any of that back if you split.

Why 4.5k on a sofa!!! Jeez…. Did he choose it and expect you to pay?? We spent £700 on ours and I agonised over that 😅

Just from this thread I would say get out as fast as you can. Then you can focus on yourself and your children and buy somewhere.

You've been taken for a fool. You earn plenty. You give him more than enough. You pay half the mortgage on a house on which you have no claim.

At least it's only two and a half years, not twenty five. Ducks in a row, get your arse and your two precious children out of there.

Why are you with this man after this event? He won’t even tell you what his bills are but expects you to pay half of them… OP I would be gone TODAY. You say you want more time to build up some money of your own or you’ll have to rent but you’re essentially renting now - he’s essentially your landlord, you are paying off his mortgage. I would rather rent my own place and not live with an arsehole.

If you seriously don’t want to leave until you’ve got some more savings, I’d stop paying anything to him for the next three months. Save pretty much every penny you make for the next three months. Make up some rubbish about having problems with your work and bank, tell him you’ll get the money to him when it’s all resolved. Keep up with this lie, deal with any arguments that arise because of it, and then leave at the end of the three months. If he asks to see your accounts or anything just obviously say no, as he won’t let you see his either. Treat him in the same way you’ve been treated and then go.