DP wants more money

[Itsnotbeeneasy]

Trying to keep this as concise without losing the detail or drip feeding!!

4 kids in total - blended family. 2 each. I moved into DPs house 2.5 years ago

When I moved in I asked how much he would want in contribution each month - he was unsure so I asked for vague bill amounts (utilities and mortgage) each month and then added extra for me and my 2 kids being here, halved the total and that’s what I pay. This was half to mortgage and all utilities/bills. He was v.happy with the initial figure

Obvs as we all know bills have increased since so I have increased my payment each month slightly without him asking. Then - he let slip that I was paying more than he was per month. Bear in mind I’m paying half his mortgage.

DP is now asking for a higher contribution again but is flatly refusing to let me see bills for utilities to work out the fair figures stating that if I have any record of these then I would have a claim to his property - which as said is in his name - and instead wants me to pluck a figure out of the air that I would ‘be happy with’

I will add I own nothing - I’ve only just got myself out of debt, no property etc. If we split I’d be homeless and renting - no savings. He has told me time and time again that he has £150k+ of equity in his property and keeps throwing in that he could buy a small property and be mortgage free

I think this conversation is a knee jerk reaction to this months salary I revived which has been a lot higher than ‘normal’ - and I quote he said ‘if I was paid that salary I wouldn’t have any issues’ - I have just received £4.5k after tax this month - a lot higher than usual as I’m on commission. I earn between £2.5k-4k usually after tax each month and until now had been paying off debts - finally clear now (mortgage shortfall on my house and debts my ex husband put in my name - it’s been really shit)

Its all felt very grabby tonight - I told him when I moved in that I wanted to save enough to buy a rental property so my kids have an asset it at least have a decent savings account - at the point I can do that he is now asking for more money.

Please help. I dont want to use gaslit as a throwaway phrase but I need some opinions

You’d be paying (more?) rent if you weren’t living with him so i think the mortgage contribution is somewhat irrelevant.
50% of bills is fair.

If he died tomorrow his children would and should be his beneficiaries.

Marriage would offer financial security but, I will say, meanness is a very negative quality and it’ll only get worse as he ages! Are you sure this man is who you want to spend the rest of your days with?

Sorry OP but this is full of red flags. It is utter nonsense for him to say you will "control everything" if you are unmarried and he hasn't written a Will. He is either an idiot or a manipulative liar.

You are contributing equally, yet benefitting significantly less. How is that a partnership?

More importantly, and sorry for the bluntness, but you are disadvantaging your own children in order to benefit him and his children. Not only is this grossly unfair on them, but might even effect your relationship with your children once they are old enough to understand.

If you want to keep the relationship, I would suggest you pay half of utilities, and half of the interest on his mortgage (certainly not the repayment part of the mortgage which he is benefitting from). Plus establish some life assurance both on his life for your benefit (so that you have something to fall back on if he dies first as you WILL be turfed out of the house - make sure the life insurance is either in trust for you, or in a policy in your name) AND life assurance on your life for the benefit of your children if you haven't already done this.

Personally I'd not bother negotiating too hard, if he can't see how unfair this set up is he is not worth fighting for and you should go and secure a future for you and your children without him.

Years ago, one of the most intelligent moves I've ever made was to not buy into my ex's shithole house to rescue him financially. He wanted to own the house together then rent it out and we rent somewhere bigger for us and my DC. His ex (who he owned with) even wrote out all the details to buy her out which meant paying her my paltry divorce settlement luckily I went with my gut and said no thanks and bought my own shared ownership home for me and my DC.

4 weeks after moving into my own home I saw sense, got a bit of self esteem, realised he was a cock lodger and ended the relationship. He was shit with money, had zero ambition and happily let women in his life support him. OP advocate for yourself and listen to your gut. If it feels shit make plans to buy your own property to live in, look at shared ownership if you can't afford a full house. I met my DH 6 years ago and we've bought together, earn the same, contributed the same to the house, DH happily suggested a deed of trust and joint tenants so I can leave my assets to the kids and it has never felt off. He isn't bothered about your kids financial future and that's shit.

He’s got it cushy hasn’t he? Someone helping with all his bills, mortgage, furnishings, housework, childcare etc? And you’ll get sweet fa if he dies because you’re not married.
He’s definitely onto a good thing while you’re getting zilch other than sex in return 🤷🏼‍♀️

If he has no will then his children would (eventually, after a long and painful probate) get everything.

If they die before or with him (say in a car accident), then any siblings/ parents still living would get the lot.

You are very vulnerable.

Keep hold of that spreadsheet. And receipts for anything you have bought/contributed to in the house. I don't know how much good they will be, but they can't hurt.

Edited: Eff you, auto correct!

Setting aside all the other great advice, I'd be asking him to show you exactly where he's had it confirmed in writing that you knowing the utility bill amounts would entitle you to half the house. Because that is bollocks.

Our charity shops, warehouse have great sofas etc.. save that refund for a deposit on a house of your own.

If he dies his family are entitled to everything.

If he's a heavy drinker he'll be caught by employer eventually.

Good luck @Itsnotbeeneasy

Where you stand legally, is that you aren't married to your DP so you have zero rights. It doesn't matter how much you pay towards his mortgage, you would have to pay for rent if you weren't doing that, so you're lining his pockets which he knows.

youd be far better off getting your own place at the earliest opportunity, get those MN ducks lined up, so you don't have to put up with him gaslighting you. He's not only a miserly, skinflint he's also a barefaced liar. He certainly doesn't see you as a partner. Please don't marry him, it will get even worse.

He won't show you the bills? Clearly he has been ripping you off big time. He's a nasty man taking advantage of you. Good luck in a free-of-him future!

He’s financially abusing you and if he drops down dead tm you’ll have nothing, no legal rights to anything.

Yes this is unfair and he looks to be taking advantage of you. But that said, he didn’t do this on his own, you are not helpless. I don’t really understand why you willingly put yourself in this situation, before working out a plan to get your own property or otherwise financial security.

For all you know you’re paying 75% - refuse to pay until you see all bills. I’d include mortgage in that. Plan to take the sofa with you.

Don’t tell him how much you make each month as it’s not relevant.

you know this isn’t a healthy relationship and financially he’s taking you for a ride. Plan your exit

I think move out and have a stable base for you and your kids, and start saving. Whether you stay together is another issue but you need some stability and independence for yourself and your kids. If you ever moved back in together you’d then be in a better situation with some security. X

Why do you tell him how much you earn?
I’ve been married for y, I’ve never told my husband what I earn!
Like others have said, get out, if not for your own sake, but for your children!

Move OUT asap! I don’t think you have any financial or “residential” security at all right now. I’d be looking for a cosy rental for you and your kids, so you can control your own finances. And take the new sofa with you.

Then see how committed he (and you) are to the actual relationship.

I wouldn't be happy either and whilst I was building my own savings and working out long term what I was going to do, I would be extremely calculating for my half of the utilities as he won't give the figures to you.

Council tax is easy - go to https://www.gov.uk/council-tax-bands and using 'check my council tax', but the address details on and it will tell you what council tax band the property is. Then go to your local councils website and get the annual figure for that band. Divide that figure in half and that is your annual contribution to the council tax.

Gas & electric - we pay £210 a month for a 4 bed semi with 3 adults wfh, tumble drier on a lot in the winter etc. If your house is similar, pay half of this - £105 a month. If its smaller, pay even less.

Water - go the website of your local water company (if you google it, it will tell you) and work out the likely bill from there. If you can't do this, google what the 'typical' annual bill is for your water company and then pay half of this.

Phone, tv, broadband etc - go to the website of the company that provides you with this and search for the package you have. That will give you the total cost for your package - again pay half of this.

Insurance - if the home insurance isn't in your name/you are not a joint policy holder than don't contribute to this at all as you won't be able to make a claim on it

Rent - pluck a figure out of the air for this, obviously on the low side. If he won't tell you what the monthly payment is then you can't ensure you pay half towards this. You could also go to https://www.rightmove.co.uk/house-prices.html and find out how much he paid for it and then deduct the £150K equity he says he has and that will give you the outstanding balance. You can run that figure through a mortgage calculator which would give you the best deal available now for the outstanding mortgage (moneysaving expert website is good for this). That will give you the monthly figure - again pay less than half of this if you are feeling generous.

Good luck

But the flip side is you move in and live for free? With two kids. If the genders were reversed it would be immediately labelled cocklodging.

I do know what you mean and I like the advantage vs disadvantage line, that’s a good way of looking at it. But he’s also had two children move in, so is it a full double advantage? If OP moved in alone, maybe she should just pay half bills or something, but 3 people moved in, that’s can’t possibly be free?

I think a below market rate rent is not unreasonable. But her Dp being weird about the actual bills and costs is a whole other issue!

Op you have children. You need to build financially for them as this man certainly doesn’t care about that. This won’t be a one off he’ll keep increasing.

Move out and save. Think about your kids

You either need to pay into the mortgage and have a stake in the house as an asset or and what would be my preference given his attitude, not pay into the mortgage but pay into your own savings/investment.

She’s not renting from him because there’s no rental agreement, OP doesn’t have the rights of a renter. If he wants to put a rental agreement in place, that would be different, but I wonder then what would happen if they split up, and she no longer wants her landlord sharing her bed? He can’t evict her for that, and he has to provide her with a bedroom, so he’d be pretty fucked. Renting is a two sided agreement.

He won't show you the bills that you are paying, he's paying less than you and you're paying his mortgage. He's using you. I'd be moving out asap personally.

why, oh why women do this? It is when I prefer just reading on mumsnet instead commenting

I’m going to be devil’s advocate here. If a MAN moved from rental to woman’s owned property with his children then what advice would we give regarding whether or not he have a steak in the property? I think It has to work for both of you. If you’re paying less than you’d pay in private rental and it’s a nice home for your blended family then is it not a win/win situation? My partner moved from rental into my house. He’s £800 better off a month and I get help with paying for the bills and upkeep of the property.

If @Itsnotbeeneasy was renting from him. She wouldn't have to cook, clean, wash, care for his two children. What's that worth?

Yes I do think a partner should live 'for free' if the other partner owns the property. That's what I did with my DH until we got married (when we had an agreement drawn up re equity and he started paying half)
The moving in partner should share in the bills which will reduce the overall costs as the bills don't generally increase by 100% when another person moves in.
Also re the kids issue - bills should be split proportionately. I pay 2/3 of our bills for example because I have a DC who lives here full time. I can't remember the OP's set up - did she say they both have 2 kids each? So still 50/50. If not, split by proportion by all means. But don't charge your partner rent.
I just don't agree at all with one person getting a discount on their asset and the other person having no assets of their own because they are giving their partner a discount! It is not a partnership. When I lived alone I rented the spare room sometimes. Obviously those people paid me because that was the only advantage to me of having them live there. The idea of asking my (then) DP to pay me to live with me was ridiculous. He pays NOW because he's sharing in the asset because we are married. That also means he shares in the costs and labour involved in caring for and improving the asset.