DP wants more money

[Itsnotbeeneasy]

Trying to keep this as concise without losing the detail or drip feeding!!

4 kids in total - blended family. 2 each. I moved into DPs house 2.5 years ago

When I moved in I asked how much he would want in contribution each month - he was unsure so I asked for vague bill amounts (utilities and mortgage) each month and then added extra for me and my 2 kids being here, halved the total and that’s what I pay. This was half to mortgage and all utilities/bills. He was v.happy with the initial figure

Obvs as we all know bills have increased since so I have increased my payment each month slightly without him asking. Then - he let slip that I was paying more than he was per month. Bear in mind I’m paying half his mortgage.

DP is now asking for a higher contribution again but is flatly refusing to let me see bills for utilities to work out the fair figures stating that if I have any record of these then I would have a claim to his property - which as said is in his name - and instead wants me to pluck a figure out of the air that I would ‘be happy with’

I will add I own nothing - I’ve only just got myself out of debt, no property etc. If we split I’d be homeless and renting - no savings. He has told me time and time again that he has £150k+ of equity in his property and keeps throwing in that he could buy a small property and be mortgage free

I think this conversation is a knee jerk reaction to this months salary I revived which has been a lot higher than ‘normal’ - and I quote he said ‘if I was paid that salary I wouldn’t have any issues’ - I have just received £4.5k after tax this month - a lot higher than usual as I’m on commission. I earn between £2.5k-4k usually after tax each month and until now had been paying off debts - finally clear now (mortgage shortfall on my house and debts my ex husband put in my name - it’s been really shit)

Its all felt very grabby tonight - I told him when I moved in that I wanted to save enough to buy a rental property so my kids have an asset it at least have a decent savings account - at the point I can do that he is now asking for more money.

Please help. I dont want to use gaslit as a throwaway phrase but I need some opinions

I don't think anyone here can judge from what the op has said, if it's a possibility for her.

What we can do is let her know it exists. Then she can get legal advice, if she chooses.

Finally, someone else in a similar situation may be reading this thread.

And they deserve to know, that some totally incorrect legal advice has been repeatedly handed out, as if it was fact.

For the purposes of anyone who has commented on my ‘interest’ in the property, im actually not interested in the house or any finances I would be ‘owed’. I certainly wouldn’t do a lengthy legal case, I have a lot more pride in myself. What my point was, which tbf I didn’t make clear, was who on earth had told him I would have ‘everything’ if I know what the bills are etc. I’m actually the one who has actively encouraged DP to protect his asset with a deed of trust if I were ever to go on the mortgage or get married. On the other side of things, if I receive inheritance from family which i may (or may not - I know to never rely on these things), then I would be in a far stronger financial position than DP anyway.

As it is, I think if anything, all this has shown me is I do indeed need to get all ducks in a row financially. I wouldn’t leave DP over this - we are actually quite happy together otherwise, kids all happy etc.

The entire situation did also allow me to make my feelings crystal clear to DP about how I feel about household finances and that he needs to take more control of his own finances. I also don’t think he would ever dare to make this suggestion again!! I was utterly livid for days.

@Itsnotbeeneasy what I don’t understand is why you are paying all bills and utilities (as well as half his mortgage)? Why are you not paying half of the bills and utilities?

Why would you encourage OP to protect his asset if you married/went on the mortgage? Why are you not considering protecting your own assets? Why would you ever pay a mortgage on a property you will never own? You’d be much better off paying your own mortgage.

So has he now agreed total transparency and access to all utility bills and splitting all costs fairly? Are you now ceasing to pay his mortgage? Will you draw up some kind of rental contract to protect you in the event of a split? At the moment you have less rights than a lodger.

I assume that sentence in the OP meant half to mortgage half all utilities/bills.

@Mirabai
Indeed. Anything less than that is foolish.
OP is bending backwards (I'll be alright, I'll have inheritance... ) to facilitate his financial future as a single man, whilst completely ignoring her own needs and risks.

OP, I hope you don't inherit whilst still with this schemer - he'll most likely persuade you to pay off his mortgage with that money in one way or another.

You’re throwing your money down the drain if you are renting, that’s life. Why should she be able to live somewhere rent free. Should you have a claim on your landlords house if you are paying rent, which is most likely to cover all of the mortgage 🤷‍♀️

Because this isn't her landlord it's her partner! Why should he profit from her?

Don't tell him how much you earn, or anything about your finances. He's treating you like a lodger while you help pay his mortgage

Being with someone shouldn’t mean you get to live rent free. At the end of the day I’m with the OP on this, I think your going off on a tangent. I’ve always paid my way, which is half to everything regardless of who owns the house.
the op is happy to pay half but it’s becoming clear she is paying more than half, which definitely isn’t ok.
just curious if you owned a house and was paying the mortgage, would you let a partner move in with you and only pay half towards the household bills and nothing else.

@Doughnut100 is right. You don't have a claim on your boyfriend's house. You knew the situation when you moved in. He is obviously not very nice but, ultimately, why would you have a claim on someone's mortgage?

This man sounds finicially abusive. So you don't really know how much the man's mortgage is? He could be mortgage free for all you know. Sorry but I wouldn't move in a man's house with my DC you are in a VERY risky position. The man can't be trusted. I actually think this would be the end for me!

Sounds like you’re in a good place with your DP. Now he knows not to push. Good luck to you both!

If OP thinks she's resolved things then that's entirely up to her. I couldn't live with it personally, but whatever some of us think about the situation, she's the one who has got to get on with it. Quite honestly, I find it much more concerning that she's said her partner drinks too much and is an emergency worker.

Big red waving flag.

OP, I would seriously suggest you get a joint bank account that doesn't have a payment card for all non-mortgage joint bills, both pay in, & have bills paid via direct debit from that account, then anything you pay for "rent", transfer to him with the word "mortgage" as the reference. Then it is totally clear where money is going and what for. There needs to be total openness between partners about shared outgoings.

But if they have a joint account and he stops paying in, would OP be liable for the whole of the debt - and without any security?

Glad things are generally going well, but do get professional advice on your individual financial and legal position and protecting yours and DC financial interests.

Seems like the drinking has become problematic if impacting finances/cover basic bills and driving his unreasonable ask for you to prop him up, impinging on your relationship. Could he at least set a small monthly budget, but maybe needs support, especially if he is using as a crutch for stressful job?

A partner who truly loves and cares for your well-being and that of your children would put your name on the mortgage without question or aggression. If you're unable to ask this of a partner, when you're paying over 50% of their mortgage....

I think you've been cocklodgered, OP.

A joint account where just the bills come out of with both paying in a set amount per month would be a good idea. If anything this would be a good way for me to actually see what bill amounts leave the account.

I would however NEVER get a fully joint account for the reason that I earn more, I wouldn’t want anyone else spending my money frivolously but I do like to spend my money as I wish without it being scrutinised - for example if I go out with the girls for dinner I will tend to treat myself to something really special off the menu rather than the cheapest option.

I really don’t have the opinion that I’m entitled to anything from his house - my point was where on earth has he got that idea from. As someone else has pointed out, I don’t feel like I’m paying off his mortgage, I pay half and I’m always happy to pay half to everything - I don’t understand why people would expect to live somewhere free of charge just because it’s someone else’s house, but trust me I would be paying significantly more if I privately rented alone. My current situation does however allow me to save for a deposit to potentially buy a property to let if I wish, if I was living alone then this may not be the case.

so she lives for free?

female cock lodger

But OP hasn't his previous attitude (refusing to let you knowing the actual amount of the bills) massively put you off him? It's about the principle. He didn't want to be open and fair. He wanted to be in charge and for you to do as you're told. And was annoyed you weren't happy with that.

Sounds like a bit of a nob to me tbh.

@OdinsHorse why would she pay half of the mortgage if she's got no claim on it?
If he wants her to pay towards the mortgage then she should benefit from it too.

Would you pay someone's mortgage for them?

I can't get past the fact he won't let you see the bills. That is so messed up.

When you live somewhere, you either pay rent, mortgage, or live for free.

Why should OP live for free when she's living in someone elses home?
If she wasnt sleeping with the owner (or in a relationship), she would have to pay, so is it fair that she doesnt pay to live in his house?

She should look at rents in the area, and pay less than half of the cost, but should not live there for free