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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about Ex’s new partner bathing our child?

403 replies

IcyCat · 17/02/2024 23:27

Bit of relevant background: ExH and I have been separated for 18 months, hopefully soon to be divorced. We have 3 children (7, 9 & 11) and we get along/co-parent fairly well most of the time. I am the resident parent, our children stay over at his 1-2 nights per week depending on his schedule.

He's been with his new partner for about a year and they’ve recently moved in together. I’ve not met her, but the children like her a lot, so I’ve no problem with her generally. She has children of her own who live with them full time, they don’t see their father due to previous abuse (according to ExH).

Tonight I started running a bath, and DD (7) told me she didn’t need a bath, because she’d already had one with ”partner’s name” before I picked her up (at tea time).
So I said “Oh ok, daddy didn’t tell me you had a bath today.” And then she said daddy didn’t know because he was out at football practice with DS (which was 2pm ish so middle of the day?), and ”partner” gave her a bath, she helped her wash her hair and dried her off, dried her hair etc when she got out.

I feel a bit weird about this. Firstly I don’t think it’s at all appropriate for this woman to be bathing my young child, it’s her dad’s responsibility. Secondly, why do it while he’s out, and to put her in the bath in the middle of the day is odd anyway? I did ask DD if she had been doing some kind of messy play to need a bath but she said no.

I don’t want to accuse this woman of anything because as far as I can tell from the conversation with DD, nothing else happened besides the bath. DD wasn’t upset and told me conversationally, but I’m not comfortable with it at all and wouldn’t want it to happen again.

I know ExH will likely say I’m overreacting so I thought I’d ask mumsnet before I raise it with him, I’m sure I can rely on honest opinions here!

So AIBU to be upset by this?

OP posts:
stonedaisy · 17/02/2024 23:47

For me personally, as shes a mum herself, i think its ok

lunar1 · 17/02/2024 23:52

Would he like a partner of yours bathing her? Put it to him that way.

Babyboomtastic · 17/02/2024 23:55

I suspect it's something like her child needing a bath and them asking if they could go together.

However, I do accept that I'm a lot more chilled about this than if it was a male boyfriend bathing her, which feels hypocritical but the risk profile is also different.

Singlemumto4k · 18/02/2024 00:00

I think at 7 she should be bathing herself, letting dad's partner wash her hair maybe. I'd be more comfortable with a woman helping than a man though... I don't mean anything in a perverse way just that at 7 body changes can start happening and dad could feel uncomfortable doing it himself so prefers partner to do it. Just sit with both of them and set up rules that if she's due home that day you'd rather her bathe at home but if she is staying there then ask that she has assistance hair washing but drying and getting dressed you'd prefer her to do this alone

puzzledout · 18/02/2024 00:05

What are you actually unhappy about? You think your exs partner was in some way abusing your child?

Because that's a big accusation.

But it's how it's coming across.

.

MississippiAF · 18/02/2024 00:06

Step-parents (or partners) really can’t win.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/02/2024 00:11

I’m a step mum and think it’s odd and unnecessary. When we moved in together I hadn’t expected to be involved with stuff like this, the kids were younger than yours, but they’d be in the tub together and specifically ask me to chat to them so I ended up involved with bath time. But they were very little, their dad was there too, it was before bed and part of his usual routine with them.

novocaine4thesoul · 18/02/2024 00:13

Although the timing of the bath is a bit odd, you don't know the exact sequence of events and it is more than likely an innocent request by either party or her children, and she might have thought no harm of it, save her mum a job later etc. your daughter is unperturbed by it. You could ask your OH about it or joke that your daughter nearly had two baths in one day, but I wouldn't go in all guns blazing. If you would prefer that they don't bathe her (because she has a bath before bed when she gets home) then I also think it is fine to say that but I think there will be bigger hills to die on. Unless there is something else giving you "spidey senses" I would honestly put it out of your mind this time and move on for your own peace of mind. xx

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 18/02/2024 00:15

The new partner is a woman ? and she bathed a female child ?

( Maybe you could find the post where the new woman wouldn't let the child's friend have dinner before staying the night, as she didn't want to sit at the same table as a random child and think yourself lucky that this new woman is doing ' family ' things with your daughter )

and when your female child gets a little older will she be comfortable with her father giving her a bath ?

You say this new partner has 2 children herself, what ages and what sexes ?

Yogatoga1 · 18/02/2024 00:15

Possibly she thought if she sent the child home not having had a bath or wash while she was there you’d kick off? Damned if you do…

some people think a bath/shower once a day, even twice is basic hygiene. She may have different standards.

wubwubwub · 18/02/2024 00:15

lunar1 · 17/02/2024 23:52

Would he like a partner of yours bathing her? Put it to him that way.

A man bathing and unrelated child is not exactly the same as a woman doing the same thing.

BungleandGeorge · 18/02/2024 00:16

It’s inappropriate to bathe a child that’s not yours if they aren’t in dire need (eg been sick on themselves). She shouldn’t have done it. A 7 year old would generally also be able to shower or wash alone if needed

Aquamarine1029 · 18/02/2024 00:18

I think it's very odd, especially the timing of the bath. Why would this woman think it necessary for your child to bathe in the middle of the day unless the child were very dirty, which I highly doubt was the case.

I definitely appreciate how you feel uneasy and confused by this.

MajesticWhine · 18/02/2024 00:21

The most obvious explanation is that the partner felt she needed to go back home clean and washed and maybe hadn't had time for a bath the night before. She might have thought she was doing the right thing.

Meadowfinch · 18/02/2024 00:30

No, I wouldn't be happy with that either if there was no reason to have a bath during the day (muddy etc).

It's an intimate act, your ex wasn't present, and any adult with a modicum of common sense would realise it could be misconstrued. She's over-stepped the mark and your ex needs to tell her politely not to do that again.

HoHoHoliday · 18/02/2024 00:31

If she is resident with you and only staying there 1-2 nights then surely a quick shower without a hair wash is enough unless she's done a particularly messy activity? And by age 7 I'd expect her to be able to shower and dry herself.
Aside from that I wouldn't be alarmed by the timing of it. I wash myself at all sorts of varying times, depending what else I'm doing that day.

caringcarer · 18/02/2024 00:42

I'd think a 7 year old could bathe herself. I'd accept your partner's gf helped her by washing and drying her hair. If it was a male I'd think differently. Tbh I'd be really pleased that his gf was being nice to my DD. When my DC went to their Dad's house he shared with new gf they came home saying they had to ask if they wanted a drink of squash. It was rationed. They were only allowed a drink with their meal. They were not allowed to just help themselves. I sent them each with a 1 litre water bottle with squash after that. It was the same with fruit. I used to pack them up fruit in their rucksacks because they didn't like having to ask for an apple. My DS's told me once his Dad's gf used to question them about me too.

LilBus · 18/02/2024 00:45

I wouldn’t like this and one of the reasons I am forever glad my children will never have a step parent

JMSA · 18/02/2024 00:53

Did your ex ask her to do it, so that she'd be washed and ready for going back to yours?
If not, did she ask him if it was ok for her to do it?

It probably wouldn't bother me because she's female/a mum, and your daughter seems happy and comfortable. However, you are not comfortable with the situation and that is absolutely your prerogative. Speak to your ex Smile

Justanything86 · 18/02/2024 00:58

I used to bath my exs kids op - in part because I used to be expected to / left to do loads of childcare by my ex, and also because when he was doing it he would scrub their hair far too aggressively and hearing them crying that it hurt was unbearable.

By 7 though I was more sitting on the closed loo chatting, reminding them to wash armpits, not mess about too much and checking they'd washed all the suds out of their hair - I would assume this is what your daughter means?

STARCATCHER22 · 18/02/2024 01:02

stonedaisy · 17/02/2024 23:47

For me personally, as shes a mum herself, i think its ok

So if she wasn’t a mum that would make it not okay?

Weird logic…

Jellybeanz456 · 18/02/2024 01:11

Maybe they had been having a lazy day and getting dressed later the usual maybe child hadn't bathed the night before, your child seems her normal happy self and everything she says happened sounds perfectly normal stepmum is looking after your child fine so why are you jumping to conclusions?

sashh · 18/02/2024 01:41

I think you need more details.

Picking out DD and telling her she is having a bath is totally different to her own kids having a bath and your DD wanting one too.

Wanna17 · 18/02/2024 02:46

Honestly, why can't separated people just stop finding things to have the hump with each other about! I'm sure if your children had been playing football in the garden and got all muddy and she sent them home as they were that would be a problem too! 🙄

PizzaPastaWine · 18/02/2024 02:47

We have baths any time of day in this house. Didn't realise there was a correct time.

Anyway, i have never seen my SDC naked and I have been around since the youngest was 4. There is no need and I'm not opening myself up to any kind of accusations of an inappropriate nature.

I also wouldn't be happy about it but rather than say anything I would just teach my DC how to do it themselves or to say no. Hair at that age can go for days.

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