To be upset about Ex’s new partner bathing our child?

[IcyCat]

Bit of relevant background: ExH and I have been separated for 18 months, hopefully soon to be divorced. We have 3 children (7, 9 & 11) and we get along/co-parent fairly well most of the time. I am the resident parent, our children stay over at his 1-2 nights per week depending on his schedule.

He's been with his new partner for about a year and they’ve recently moved in together. I’ve not met her, but the children like her a lot, so I’ve no problem with her generally. She has children of her own who live with them full time, they don’t see their father due to previous abuse (according to ExH).

Tonight I started running a bath, and DD (7) told me she didn’t need a bath, because she’d already had one with ”partner’s name” before I picked her up (at tea time).
So I said “Oh ok, daddy didn’t tell me you had a bath today.” And then she said daddy didn’t know because he was out at football practice with DS (which was 2pm ish so middle of the day?), and ”partner” gave her a bath, she helped her wash her hair and dried her off, dried her hair etc when she got out.

I feel a bit weird about this. Firstly I don’t think it’s at all appropriate for this woman to be bathing my young child, it’s her dad’s responsibility. Secondly, why do it while he’s out, and to put her in the bath in the middle of the day is odd anyway? I did ask DD if she had been doing some kind of messy play to need a bath but she said no.

I don’t want to accuse this woman of anything because as far as I can tell from the conversation with DD, nothing else happened besides the bath. DD wasn’t upset and told me conversationally, but I’m not comfortable with it at all and wouldn’t want it to happen again.

I know ExH will likely say I’m overreacting so I thought I’d ask mumsnet before I raise it with him, I’m sure I can rely on honest opinions here!

So AIBU to be upset by this?

I wouldn't be too happy about this, due to the timing. It just seems weird and unnecessary to give a child who isn't yours a bath in the middle of the day for no reason.

Unless the child raised it as a concern, I would not be remotely bothered.

We have bathes in the day here.
Sometimes if we are home and not doing much, I'll bath DD to save doing it later.
It could be as basic as that.

I think that is right to view anything like this with a small amount of skepticism and suspicion.
Being hyper vigilant is how we keep children safe.
So whether it's a new step parent you don't know, a teacher, or your own family then you are right to question things that seem a bit odd and unnecessary and subtly gather more information, checking DC are OK....and to keep doing this as groomers play a very long game.

But those WILL be very rare and in the vast majority of cases this will have been appropriate and just part of caring.

'What about if they went swimming as a family?Would you expect your child to be on there own in the changing rooms, or would you prefer the gf with your child?'

Totally different, obviously.

Kids generally do not have baths in the middle of the day from anyone other than a parent. It is weird op and unnecessary.

Just tell your ex they tend to wash or have baths at bedtime.

Well, kids can't always assess a situation in the same way as adults

It wouldn't save the ex or his partner from doing later, as the child was going back to her mum's that evening.

@Toblerbone so SM saved DM a job and deserved a thank you?

Your daughter is communicating well with you.
She seems happy. I would only worry if she were upset.
It was her stepmother helping her wash her hair and sprucing her up for you.

I think a girl, especially when developing modesty, reaches a point when bathing with Dad is not want they want.
Could it be your daughter's preference to have her step mother help with baths when she is living there?
Your daughter might be used to bathing with her step-sisters and having her Dad not invloved.

Keep alert though.

No. Stranger-woman should not be bathing your daughter. Nor should daughter's father, at age seven.

What a ridiculous post 🤣

My partner is a stepdad to my 3 year old DD and bathes her a few nights a week as we work shifts. She loves it and DD's father who sees her 3 days a week has never had any qualms. If she had sent your child home dirty I'm sure you would kick off about that too.

WTAF! So on a weeks holiday the child should not be bathed or hair washed!

I'd love you to try to pull that shit in a parental custody court!

What would you "allow", she 4, 5?

Or just never?

The most obvious explanation is that the partner felt she needed to go back home clean and washed

That.
Presumably the boys would have a shower or bath after football practice, so this way they'd all come back to you clean and hair washed.

There’s a whole world of this weirdness. Friends DSD’s DM will not ‘allow’ DF to brush and style her DD’s hair, as that’s a ‘mummy thing’. Her DH has to do it, he’s hopeless at it, and DSD goes around with basic, floppy ponytails, while their joint DC have lovely plaited hair, all to appease a jealous DM.

Inappropriate in these circumstances IMO. YANBU.

I’m a step mum.
my step daughter is 9 and I wouldn’t think anything of telling her to jump in the bath before going to her mums (if she’s going back at tea time to mums and we have her all day then it makes sense for her to bathe here rather than her mum be sorting tea and then bathing her).
it sounds to me like they’ve had a lazy PJ morning and she’s bathed all the kids and got them dressed or back in clean pjs x

@IfYourHorseSaysNo kids may well ‘survive’ in the cold and wet.. but at 7 years old the child is old enough to vice her feelings, and if she knew that the step-parent was staying home, but she wasn’t allowed as she had to be with her father/brother, doing something she didn’t want to, how will that foster a positive relationship between the girl and her father/stepmother.

OP - how would you feel if your little girl had come home and said she was ‘made’ to go to the football with her father/brother… even though she wanted to stay at the home with the stepmother, but wasn’t allowed??

She'd probably bizarrely think that was fine....

@MississippiAF is do it anyway! No way would I put up with that nonsense!

@wubwubwub you do know their are female abusers out there as well don't you

So it's more important for the ex to 'accept his responsibilities' than the the DD to be happy? She should be dragged along to football practice every visit just so that he's done his bit?

I have two DDs. One was very sporty and one was not. No way would I have forced the other one to attend her sister's football/netball practices. That's just miserable. And him making her go would simply put her at another disadvantage of her parents splitting up.

The ex was being a decent parent by letting his child stay home and the new partner was being a decent person by looking after her.

I wouldn't have a problem with this. Whether we like it or not, the truth is that many men leave a lot of parenting to their partners (whether the child's mother or not) and if your child is there regularly, she's probably got into the habit of just treating her like having an extra one of her own about. So long as your DD is comfortable, I wouldn't worry too much... Maybe at 7 she prefers having help from a friendly woman than from her dad. I remember preferring my mother or aunties helping me to my dad at that age.

We're also in the "baths anytime" brigade here. My 6yo likes to take very looooong baths and play with their toys, so if we're not out I do often pop them in the bath mid-afternoon to make the dinner-bed-bath rush with the baby easier in the evening. Otherwise it's often a 5 minute "in and out" job with the 6yo to get them to bed at a decent time, when they'd prefer to stay in for longer.

I think it does make a difference her having children. Pre-DC, it would never have crossed my mind to bathe, change or clean up anyone else's child. Whereas now I would just care for a child left in my care as I would my own child (including baths if needed or if the other kids were having one).

Bathing a child becomes very routine when you are a parent. It’s not routine when you aren’t a parent.

Absolutely. Before having kids, I can't imagine a situation in which I'd have been bathing a child. Just wouldn't have happened.

Most parents are just focused on meeting everyone's needs - is everyone fed, safe, clean, clean clothes, homework/reading done, happy? For me, that would include any children I'd been left to look after as well as my own.

Yes, both female.

No she won’t always want dad to give her a bath but she’s old enough now to shower by herself if she prefers, which she often does.

Her boys are 12 and 15.