To be upset about Ex’s new partner bathing our child?

[IcyCat]

Bit of relevant background: ExH and I have been separated for 18 months, hopefully soon to be divorced. We have 3 children (7, 9 & 11) and we get along/co-parent fairly well most of the time. I am the resident parent, our children stay over at his 1-2 nights per week depending on his schedule.

He's been with his new partner for about a year and they’ve recently moved in together. I’ve not met her, but the children like her a lot, so I’ve no problem with her generally. She has children of her own who live with them full time, they don’t see their father due to previous abuse (according to ExH).

Tonight I started running a bath, and DD (7) told me she didn’t need a bath, because she’d already had one with ”partner’s name” before I picked her up (at tea time).
So I said “Oh ok, daddy didn’t tell me you had a bath today.” And then she said daddy didn’t know because he was out at football practice with DS (which was 2pm ish so middle of the day?), and ”partner” gave her a bath, she helped her wash her hair and dried her off, dried her hair etc when she got out.

I feel a bit weird about this. Firstly I don’t think it’s at all appropriate for this woman to be bathing my young child, it’s her dad’s responsibility. Secondly, why do it while he’s out, and to put her in the bath in the middle of the day is odd anyway? I did ask DD if she had been doing some kind of messy play to need a bath but she said no.

I don’t want to accuse this woman of anything because as far as I can tell from the conversation with DD, nothing else happened besides the bath. DD wasn’t upset and told me conversationally, but I’m not comfortable with it at all and wouldn’t want it to happen again.

I know ExH will likely say I’m overreacting so I thought I’d ask mumsnet before I raise it with him, I’m sure I can rely on honest opinions here!

So AIBU to be upset by this?

Or realistic?

Or just not step mum bashing enthusiasts?!

@10ThousandSpoons no he shouldn't, he should do whatever is best for him and his children. Because step mum is there, they're called step mum for a reason.

Also, what age are the step-mum's kids and were they also having a bath too?

If she has younger kids, she might not realise what is age-appropriate for a 7yo. In the past, I've definitely been guilty of babying a friend's older DC and offering help where it wasn't needed because the child is small for their age and the same size as my (2 years younger) DC who did need the help. And if other kids were also having a bath, it makes more sense than if it was just your DC.

This!! Honestly stop looking for things to moan about and be happy that your DD has someone in her life that cares!

I understand how this can seem weird. It was day time, daddy wasn't in the house. Daddy didn't even know. I'd definitely bring it .

All it shows to me is that the step mother is caring and interested in the child's welfare.

If the child had been there for two days and hadn't had a bath she may well have needed one. If she hadn't had one for two days before that, she may have needed one more. Perhaps the girlfriend just didn't want her to go home smelly. Perhaps the family had a lazy morning or had popped on yesterday's clothes in the morning. Perhaps the girlfriend's dc have nits and the gf wanted a quick comb through.

I don't think I would bring it up. She isn't a randomer, she is a mother and she is living in the same house as your dd for part of the week. She seems to be a good stepmother and I would not rock the boat. She made sure your dd's hair was clean etc - although I can see that it is difficult and feels odd for you, completely understandably, I think overall it sounds like the woman is doing a good job of caring for your dd - especially given your ex had gone to football.

Erm.. while probability leans towards agreeing with you, you are aware that it’s not only men who take advantage of situations with young children.

@IcyCat was collecting at teatime, so late afternoon/very early evening at latest. No need at all to be bathed so early. THAT is why I think it’s weird and unnecessary

and that’s why this unsettles me.

@IcyCat I’d chat with your ex, explain that it’s really not necessary (or wanted) that the kids have baths at her house unless they need it or are staying over. Moreover perhaps even say that you’d prefer HE does the work involved in caring for his kids. It’s not appropriate for her to bath the kids alone and in the middle of the afternoon.

My guess is she thought it’d be a nice “girly” thing to do together? She has two sons. Maybe she thought doing hair etc would be a nice thing to do together.

She is NOT a SM. She met him 18 months ago and OP is still married to him!

I think, on reflection, she is trying to be too familiar and rush/push things.
Not necessarily sinister but definitely odd and inappropriate.

I wouldnt bathe my Dsis 7 year old without checking first.

@MzHz how far does the DF can only parent the children go? If they're doing something dangerous and DSM sees that, she turns a blind eye, if they're misbehaving and ruining her things, she turns a blind eye?

Be careful what you wish for..

@MzHz

Maybe they just couldn't be bothered to bath DD the night before and wanted to make sure she was clean before returning home. If they don't have her the majority of the time they are unlikely to have a set routine with her.

Also, I hate to burst your bubble but a mother is far more likely to inappropriately abuse their children then the step mother/or girlfriend.

Checking with who?

Maybe the child hadn't had a bath the night before, for a variety of reasons and the SM thought " she had better have a bath, or else her mother is going to have a go about the child being dirty/smelly in our care". Everyone else was out, no danger of the bath being interrupted by someone wanting the toilet. SM got on with the job of making sure the child didn't go telling mum "I haven't had a bath at all at dad's".

Maybe just pop a text to the ex asking him to let you know if he has done bathtime next time save you wasting water

There is the chance that the dad could have asked his partner to bath the 7 year old due to him being out and not having time.

Op, you could always ring the child safeguarding team at your local Council for advice on how to handle this. Child safeguarding is a very hot topic in NHS and social care. They will take your concerns seriously and will probably be more helpful than a bunch of randoms on the internet.

When sexual abuse to children happens it is usually gradual and by people they know who gain their trust. It is generally assumed that women don't do this because they are seen to be the nurturing caregivers. DO NOT assume that a woman would not abuse a child.

Oh come on. There's girly things that can be done that don't involve getting a child naked..

I thought OP confirmed she didn't think it was abuse?

With calls like this, the real problems get overlooked. Dreadful.

Her sons are 15 and 12. I really hope she isn't bathing them. And remembers that at 7 they could bathe themselves.

I'd just like to add to this that we were in a similar position, albeit a lot worse and with touching genitals involved but social care and the police weren't interested unfortunately. We were considered as being malicious by reporting it so I would err on the side of caution with this as nothing concerning or pointing to abuse has been disclosed.

That's a whole different thing.