To be upset about Ex’s new partner bathing our child?

[IcyCat]

Bit of relevant background: ExH and I have been separated for 18 months, hopefully soon to be divorced. We have 3 children (7, 9 & 11) and we get along/co-parent fairly well most of the time. I am the resident parent, our children stay over at his 1-2 nights per week depending on his schedule.

He's been with his new partner for about a year and they’ve recently moved in together. I’ve not met her, but the children like her a lot, so I’ve no problem with her generally. She has children of her own who live with them full time, they don’t see their father due to previous abuse (according to ExH).

Tonight I started running a bath, and DD (7) told me she didn’t need a bath, because she’d already had one with ”partner’s name” before I picked her up (at tea time).
So I said “Oh ok, daddy didn’t tell me you had a bath today.” And then she said daddy didn’t know because he was out at football practice with DS (which was 2pm ish so middle of the day?), and ”partner” gave her a bath, she helped her wash her hair and dried her off, dried her hair etc when she got out.

I feel a bit weird about this. Firstly I don’t think it’s at all appropriate for this woman to be bathing my young child, it’s her dad’s responsibility. Secondly, why do it while he’s out, and to put her in the bath in the middle of the day is odd anyway? I did ask DD if she had been doing some kind of messy play to need a bath but she said no.

I don’t want to accuse this woman of anything because as far as I can tell from the conversation with DD, nothing else happened besides the bath. DD wasn’t upset and told me conversationally, but I’m not comfortable with it at all and wouldn’t want it to happen again.

I know ExH will likely say I’m overreacting so I thought I’d ask mumsnet before I raise it with him, I’m sure I can rely on honest opinions here!

So AIBU to be upset by this?

I would feel weird about this too. It's not appropriate imo.

@Goldbar perhaps if your were a SM without children of your own, you would've bathed them? Why wouldn't you?

@IcyCat but can she wash her hair? You yourself were runnng the bath for her?

@IcyCat as I asked previously do you think she's abusing your DD?

Im upset about the fact she gave my child an unnecessary bath? I was picking her up 2 hours later, and she usually has a bath before bed. DD is 7, she is capable of washing and drying herself with minimal assistance, yet partner did this for her.

I’m not accusing her of anything untoward but it’s not something I’m comfortable with because there was no need to do it.

@IcyCat so you're just being difficult then? Saved you a job, DD is happy with it, Ddad is happy, SM is happy.

Only you are "not comfortable", so you deal with it.

She has no reason to think I would “kick off” as you’ve put it. DD always has a bath/shower as part of bedtime routine, both at home and at ExH’s.

ExH and I get on well, which is partly why I didn’t want to bring it up with him if I was overreacting, hence asking for opinions here.

There’s 5 children staying at the same time and Step Mum has time mid day to bath and wash hair of 7 year old. If you are worried can you talk to your other older children, which I’m sure you do and ask them if they bath/shower on their own and do they know why your DD was bathed by Step Mum.

This is the exactly my feeling, you’ve articulated it much better than I have!

I think you are over reacting.

She's a women and a mum herself.
They have been together for a year and are now living together.
Child is old enough to understand if something makes her feel uncomfortable.
This wouldn't bother me at all.

The issue isn’t her staying with dad’s partner though, I don’t have a problem with them being alone together. I’d be happy for her to stay in and build a positive relationship with her.

The issue is giving her a bath, in the middle of the day for no apparent reason? Washing her and drying her off, when at 7 she’s old enough to do it herself and does so at home with no issues.

When does a new partner become a step mother/father? Genuine question. I think a relationship of a year isn't long and she's already moved in with him (and she has her own kids). This is a lot of change and adjustment for kids very quickly. It's great that they like her but I would feel quite unsure about all this in your position.

The bath in the middle of the day for no reason is odd I think. Not accusing of having some sinister reason but unnecessary and I think, shows a lack of boundaries or appropriateness. But then I also would not be moving my kids in with a man I'd only been dating a year either. Her judgement sounds a bit off.

People will disagree but that's just me. I would take it way slower than that in her position.

My step kids often had baths in the middle of the day. They didn't have them every day so it was always a fun activity for them. I would never have gotten involved though. I'd be more annoyed he's dumping his child on her and going out.

Was it done in a sort of, i'll run you a nice relaxing bath with bubbles, pampering, girly, sort of thing?

That's the only sort of explanation I can't think of because she doesn't need an adult to bath her at 7

I think it’s okay.

Can you say to your ex she needs to be doing it herself at this age?

Separate debate, but I think it's much easier to be shoe-horned into a semi-parental role as a SM if you also have children. Because you have the routine for your kids already in place so it's relatively easy to add an extra child in. It's also much easier for your partner to see you as being in the "mummy" role.

Before having children, I led a relatively child-unfriendly life - working late a lot, out with friends. So I wouldn't have been regular childcare for a SDC. I also had very little experience with young kids. If left to babysit, my idea of looking after them would have been to feed them pizza and ice-cream and let them stay up late watching TV, but I probably wouldn't have thought to give them a bath unless asked specifically.

You might want to read the OP? Not sure he dumped the DD and went out, he was taking his DS to football training and didn't drag his DD along

There is a lot of suspicious of baths in the middle of the day here 😂.

I wouldn't be happy either. I have the odd bath at random times but a 7 year old child having a bath in the middle of the day two hours before you pick her up would piss me right off. Drying her off when she is capable of doing this herself would also piss me off. I'm a stroppy fucker though.

You mention that your daughter showers herself. Does she wash her hair herself? How often does her hair get washed?

I think you need a great big word with dp. I’d be furious

You need to know EVERYONE who will look at your child’s naked body.

We teach children body safety - but this flies in the face of it as your child has been in a situation where they’ve had to show their body to someone their mum doesn’t actually know - With no parent around

This woman might be fine and safe but it’s the fact that you don’t know her and haven’t met her.

Children should know who can see their body why people need to see their body and if it’s not a family member, who will be present. Ie ‘the dr will see my body for checkups but mum or dad will always be there’

I’m also concerned about your child advocating for herself. in this case, your daughter needs to learn consent and that she can say no if she doesn’t want this woman to bathe her. Also, that an adult asking to see her body and bathe her isn’t right and that she should always say no. Especially as mum or dad wasn’t there

Maybe down the line, you may vet her and see that she’s fine and you’re okay with her bathing your daughter. But any adult asking to bathe your child without a parent around is in the wrong. Whether they have bad intentions or not, whether male or female.

Also, how did your daughter feel about this? Was she happy?

I would start ensuring that she realise that it's totally okay for her to have boundaries. If she has a shower in the morning and washes her hair on a Sunday it's okay to say this. She doesn't have to do what this adult tells her if it's not her norm/what she does at home.

Please start instilling boundaries. This was something that I was never taught as a child.

Think the bath in the middle of the day is a red herring! Realistically they are still getting to know each other and whilst they were home without anything specific to do it seems completely reasonable that she bathed her.

Think the only bit that’s a bit off is DD saying she washed her - I wonder if that’s slightly misconstrued. Like the step mum washed her back etc as well as her hair, if she helped wash her privates then yes that would be inappropriate given DD is old enough to do it herself.

When DSS first started staying with us he was 5 and his dad definitely did all the washing and supervising of bath time. However, he started talking to me when he was in the bath and if he was alone in my care then I definitely would have washed him, and obviously he came to live with us so the boundaries changed. They live together so she will be a permanent part of her life so as long as communication is open then there’s no issue.

I would casually ask the step-mum when you next speak to her, just say DD said you washed her, that you just wanted to know what that meant as she can wash herself so you wanted to check she wasn’t expecting SM to do it for her! Kids can be lazy if they are with someone who will do things for them so it’s a reasonable question

It's an ex yes? So no she doesn't NEED TO KNOW. He does. He's a parent too. She knows now anyway so what good does knowing that do? It's too late. Dad has to vet the gf not mum