To be upset about Ex’s new partner bathing our child?

[IcyCat]

Bit of relevant background: ExH and I have been separated for 18 months, hopefully soon to be divorced. We have 3 children (7, 9 & 11) and we get along/co-parent fairly well most of the time. I am the resident parent, our children stay over at his 1-2 nights per week depending on his schedule.

He's been with his new partner for about a year and they’ve recently moved in together. I’ve not met her, but the children like her a lot, so I’ve no problem with her generally. She has children of her own who live with them full time, they don’t see their father due to previous abuse (according to ExH).

Tonight I started running a bath, and DD (7) told me she didn’t need a bath, because she’d already had one with ”partner’s name” before I picked her up (at tea time).
So I said “Oh ok, daddy didn’t tell me you had a bath today.” And then she said daddy didn’t know because he was out at football practice with DS (which was 2pm ish so middle of the day?), and ”partner” gave her a bath, she helped her wash her hair and dried her off, dried her hair etc when she got out.

I feel a bit weird about this. Firstly I don’t think it’s at all appropriate for this woman to be bathing my young child, it’s her dad’s responsibility. Secondly, why do it while he’s out, and to put her in the bath in the middle of the day is odd anyway? I did ask DD if she had been doing some kind of messy play to need a bath but she said no.

I don’t want to accuse this woman of anything because as far as I can tell from the conversation with DD, nothing else happened besides the bath. DD wasn’t upset and told me conversationally, but I’m not comfortable with it at all and wouldn’t want it to happen again.

I know ExH will likely say I’m overreacting so I thought I’d ask mumsnet before I raise it with him, I’m sure I can rely on honest opinions here!

So AIBU to be upset by this?

@Tandora You can if you have fears for your child's safety! A near stranger bathing my child whilst alone is absolutely a safeguarding issue. You need to educate yourself

Stop pontificating and inventing a narrative to stick onto this scenario when you weren't even there. Nobody has suggested withholding contact, just altering the terms. Stop making shit up

@NoOrdinaryMorning I do also speak from many years experience and each case has to be judged on its own merits and with the individual circumstances considered, along with any evidence.

Based on what has been shared here (which is all we can go on), a Judge would be highly unlikely to intervene with this. It would create a precedent for all step parents not being permitted to assist with bathing their step child if it were necessary. Courts do not micro manage to this extent unless there were red flags of abusive behaviour.

If there are other factors at play and other information that hasn't been considered then a Judge may make a different decision.

@NoOrdinaryMorning The post was in response to someone saying they would withhold contact based upon a step parent helping with showering. My response was one in line with my experience in the family court.

NOBODY has said they would completely withhold contact. All of us have said that we would simply change the terms on which they would commence. Ie: supervised or as PP said, at her house. Again, stop making shit up

@NoOrdinaryMorning I disagree. Someone further upthread said they would stop all contact and take the matter to court if the step mother bathed their child or was even left alone with the child. My post was in response to their comments.

Even so, only allowing supervised contact and insisting it take place at mothers house is a form of withholding contact unreasonably.

Personally my thoughts would be:
child aged 7 is old enough to decline and report anything not comfortable with. My nearly 7 year old wouldn’t entertain anything like this if they weren’t comfortable.
Dad’s partner is a parent with full custody of own children which puts them in a low risk category for anything sinister IMO.
middle of the day baths can sometimes be strategic, for example, after 5 they can be left to play in the bath so long and the door is open and you can hear them or see them from across the landing or whatever . I’ll often stick my DC in the bath when I need 20 minutes away from the incessant chatter to drink a cup of tea and fold laundry in peace.
The child’s hair is washed. Absolute bonus.
But I’m coming at this from the position of having been a stepmum to a child who was dumped off by their mum who then disappeared for the entire summer hols when DP and I had only lived together 3 weeks. Of course I treated child as my own and thought nothing of helping them with personal hygiene and shopping for clothes and treating the lovely nit infestation they arrived with, but then I know I’m not a weirdo and I’ve seen more little bums than most having worked in childcare and raised kids and siblings since I was a kid myself.
and there’s the difference, if you’re not comfortable with it then that’s a perfectly valid way to feel. Dont make a fuss, just say to ex ‘do you mind, I don’t know why but I’d just rather you did DDs baths and hair washes still for the moment. I appreciate ‘Sue’s’ help and she seems absolutely lovely, but I hope you’ll just humour me with this pls?’
and then you can start teaching DD to wash her own hair and dry herself cos I’d say she should be able to manage this about now and it solves the problem.

I think your approach to your ex is the right one and also speaking to your daughter about privacy and consent.

My guess is that the new partner has some issues with boundaries. She's come out of a situation with an abusive ex and introduced her children to a new man right away and moved him in with her children 6 months later by the sounds of it. While I think there is probably nothing nefarious meant by what she did, it sounds like she is someone who has had her own boundaries pushed so much that she doesn't really know what's appropriate and what isn't. In my personal experience with family members in exactly this situation, they tend to make choices that seem inappropriate because they don't have a good sense anymore of what 'appropriate' is and they just want to please everyone.

That said, my youngest dc is that age and obviously when my older one had 7 year old friends around, I never would have offered them a bath at my house, certainly would not have physically been present in the room while bathing, and even when dc's friends are over to change (they often go swimming in the river or in friend's pond), I always leave the room while they change and wouldn't enter unless one of them was asking for help and asked me to come in. There is no need for an adult to assist a 7 year old with any sort of personal care that involves being naked, unless they are unwell or similar. An adult with healthy boundaries will know that.

A step mother assisting a small child having a bath is a perfectly ordinary scenario in a blended family and certainly not automatically a safeguarding concern 🤦🏼‍♀️.

However if OP has genuine concerns for her child’s safety (nothing in OP to suggest she does) then of course she should act on that.

@NoOrdinaryMorning having supervised contact or at your house is not what would happen, you can't demand such nonsense and I don't believe any court would allow it.

You don't set the contact rules.

Sometimes kids start to get smelly at a young age. Was this the case? Perhaps your daughter simply needed a bath and gf didn’t want to send her home smelly.

🤣 eeez she stinkeee?!

I don’t think 7 year olds get all that smelly for they? I actually think 7 is still quite young and many might need help getting properly rinsed ( from hair) and dried.
Also there is lots of talk about private parts being touched . Do we actually know that? I didn’t really even touch my own babies’ privates particularly , just made sure water got in the right places. But you don’t need to run your hands over them.😖

I think some posters are naive if they think a seven year would feel able to say no, I don't want a bath, I don't want you in with me to someone they don't know every well.

I understand if the OP is a little put out about her ex's new DP doing things with her daughter that she considers her job, but some of the replies are bordering on crackers.

I agree. I work in education and we have training every year on child protection. We sometimes have former cops training us and the message is that children of all ages can find it difficult to understand and set boundaries with adults. Many of the real life examples used were of teenagers.
Also in many cases, offences happen because of very gradual “amber” boundary crossing which eventually end up in the “red” zone.

So yes, a 7 year old is not old enough to naturally be able to set boundaries. The OP is doing the right thing in teaching her the bones about consent.
we see on MN all the time grown adults who struggle with boundaries in their relationships with others so it cannot be assumed that a child is capable of understanding.

So well said @HenndigoOZ

You are very native!

Personally, as a step parent, I have never been involved in bathing my SS and I have been in his life since he was around 2 (now 12), I explained to my DH early on that I would never wish to be put in a position to be accused of anything first and foremost and this thread makes me realise that was sensible!

However, this whole 'meet the new woman' does my head in! DH ex insisted on meeting me prior to her son ever doing so which I agreed to for ease at the time, but we have never insisted the same in return as she is his mother and completely capable of policing the people around her son and I believe that, unless there is a genuine reason to have concern over this person, there is no reason to not trust an ex-Partners judgement in this.

I completely agree with everything you have said. I also wouldn't put myself in that position. I don't think it's particularly wrong for stepparents to help but like you said, attitudes from this thread show that it's perhaps not worth it.

Regards meeting new partners, if everyone is happy to do that then all is good but it shouldn't be demanded. My stepsons mum wanted to meet me straight away but I felt uncomfortable so I declined.

YANBU
i can’t believe the way the votes have gone!! No some one you’ve never met should not be bathing your child!! My friend gets her ex partners girlfriends police checked before they’re allowed to sleep over! I think that’s reasonable!
imagine if it was the other way round and you had a boyfriend bathing your kids while you were out… I’d imagine their dad would hit the roof!!

How does she get them police checked exactly? She just pops into the station and asks them to do it?

That would be a valid comparison if women were as likely to be sex offenders as men but they aren't. Not by a very long way.

... No she doesn't.

What are you accusing her of?