To be upset about Ex’s new partner bathing our child?

[IcyCat]

Bit of relevant background: ExH and I have been separated for 18 months, hopefully soon to be divorced. We have 3 children (7, 9 & 11) and we get along/co-parent fairly well most of the time. I am the resident parent, our children stay over at his 1-2 nights per week depending on his schedule.

He's been with his new partner for about a year and they’ve recently moved in together. I’ve not met her, but the children like her a lot, so I’ve no problem with her generally. She has children of her own who live with them full time, they don’t see their father due to previous abuse (according to ExH).

Tonight I started running a bath, and DD (7) told me she didn’t need a bath, because she’d already had one with ”partner’s name” before I picked her up (at tea time).
So I said “Oh ok, daddy didn’t tell me you had a bath today.” And then she said daddy didn’t know because he was out at football practice with DS (which was 2pm ish so middle of the day?), and ”partner” gave her a bath, she helped her wash her hair and dried her off, dried her hair etc when she got out.

I feel a bit weird about this. Firstly I don’t think it’s at all appropriate for this woman to be bathing my young child, it’s her dad’s responsibility. Secondly, why do it while he’s out, and to put her in the bath in the middle of the day is odd anyway? I did ask DD if she had been doing some kind of messy play to need a bath but she said no.

I don’t want to accuse this woman of anything because as far as I can tell from the conversation with DD, nothing else happened besides the bath. DD wasn’t upset and told me conversationally, but I’m not comfortable with it at all and wouldn’t want it to happen again.

I know ExH will likely say I’m overreacting so I thought I’d ask mumsnet before I raise it with him, I’m sure I can rely on honest opinions here!

So AIBU to be upset by this?

Children and safeguarding is such a dodgy area now. I would be very reluctant to do this myself if your ex wasn't there and hadn't agreed this.

Is it possible that a bath was to divert away from some kind of behaviour?

When DD was little I'd get her in the bath at random times of the day as it seemed to calm her down...(didnt realise at that time that she was ND and this was actually a good sensory technique for her!)

Maybe your DD was moaning about being bored, or squabbling with siblings, or something...does that sound possible?

You don't need to, and shouldn't be , assisting a child that age bathing; let alone someone else's.

She's 7, not 17.

I do kind of know what you mean, but also there's certain facts it'd be good to focus on:

1. You have a positive co parenting relationship
2. Your kids like their step mum a lot
3. Your daughter was happy to have a bath, and hasn't yet acted like there was a cause for concern

I'm not sure if this a wait and see situation? They could of been having a pamper, she could of been nervous she hadn't bathed, she could of still been bathing her boys at 7 and it's been a long time since hers were little and might of thought she couldn't leave her.

There's so many unknowns so I'd maybe watch out for a pattern of behaviour and then approach it. If you do get on well with your ex you could maybe say 'oh I didn't realise DD had a bath with (step mum) I ran her a bath and she said she didn't need it. How come she needed an afternoon bath?'

And make it more about DD than step mum whilst you find out more info

That'd be my approach anyway!

7 year olds swim at school and sort themselves out afterwards. I don't mean to alarm you OP but this us very weird behaviour !

It's weird because it wasn't needed and neither of her parents knew about it.

If you have an agreeable relationship with ex I'd mention it and ask were you aware?

7 year olds sorting themselves out after swimming probably don't do so very well. Would you not help a 7 year old wash their hair? Perhaps you've had boys with buzz cuts?

He should do whatever he'd do if stepmum wasn't there

@IcyCat its great that you’re happy that your daughter stays with the stepmother rather than doing something she may not want to… unlike some other posters!?!?

of course there is alway a very slight possibility that some form of abuse or grooming is taking place, however, that’s a big conclusion to jump to. And given that your daughter introduced that conversation comfortably with you, it is more unlikely. Abusers usually say things along the lines of ‘don’t tell anyone about this.. it’s our secret.. I’ll get into trouble’ etc… Further, it tends to be accompanied by other behaviours, such as reluctance to go to the persons home, anger, sadness, withdrawal etc..

it does sound a little ‘odd’. However, before you worry too much about it, have a chat with your ex-h. You say you get on well, so just a casual, ‘hey daughter mentioned that she and stepmother had a bath last Saturday afternoon… wondered if perhaps you guys had noticed a hygiene issue or similar, as that’s not the usual bath time for her’?? It will likely all turn out to be something and nothing, but then at least you know and also your ex-h/stepmother will know that your daughter is talking to you.

Of course it's her business and she has a right to raise it. Whether or not it is wise to raise it is another question.

You think we just should just have no opinion on anything exes do when they have the children? Whatever the do is ok and we should just swallow it?

In our house baths were always before bed (they're teens now and have ridiculously long showers instead!) So I'd find it odd that they have had their bath during the day before coming home. Also if I were a stepmum, recognizing that the actual mum hadn't seen them all day, I'd assume that would be something the mum and child would prefer to do together. Different if they got covered in mud or paint or something, of course.

@wubwubwub why? Do you think there are no female paedophiles?

Interesting responses on this thread.

I would be training my daughter to say, "I don't want a bath. I shower myself in the morning and Mum helps me wash my hair on Sunday night (or whenever)."

I would be reinforcing the message that she can manage herself and having a bath in the middle of the day when Dad is out is a bit odd and unnecessary.

There is no need for a 7 year old to be 'helped' with drying off etc. Step mum should give the child privacy. She can help with hair etc afterwards.
There's another thread on here where a poster feels like the lack of privacy afforded to her by her mother may have been abusive.
I also don't get the pile on by people about the OP being uncomfortable. This is her 7yo. If she doesn't want the stepmum bathing her daughter she has the right to say so.
"Can DD7 be given privacy when she baths please? She loves you helping with her hair, but doesn't need help getting out"
No drama. All sorted.

I would definitely be questioning the need for an afternoon bath especially if she hadn’t got muddy etc. Could it possibly be as SM has boys (I think your post said) she was having a “girly”, “pamper” few hours with your DD? Still think it’s overstepped the mark though.

How do you categorically know there was no apparent reason?

My twins (albeit younger at 4) will often random bath during the day. Because she's got yoghurt in her hair. He's dropped paint all over himself. These things happen. Could it be, under her care, DD covered herself in yoghurt for example, and rather than let her sit like that, for dad to come home and be "wtf happened to her?" or send her back to you filthy and you be "wtf happened to her?" that she just did the sensible thing and ran a bath?

She's not to know how capable your DD is, I know if it was me, I'd err on the side of hovering and being over cautious/helpful than leave a child alone in the bath for the first time and simply hope for the best. I imagine there was a degree of "do you want me to help wash your hair?"..."yes please."

I'm amazed that someone who's been with your ex 1 year is called step mum already? When did she meet the kids? It's all so fast. I must be old fashioned!

I haven’t read the full thread but this is exactly how someone close to me was abused by her stepmother as a child. Baths in the day whilst the dad was out elsewhere. She never told anyone when she was a child that it was happening beyond that she had been given a baths by her step mum at her dad’s house.

I think I would ask. "I went to run the bath for DD and she tells me she's had one two hours ago. What happened? Did she have an accident? She knew she was having one when she got home, so I need to know is she's been sick or unwell in any way."

Just read those first few sentences.

Getting to know each other shouldn't include bathing and drying.

Painting nails and maybe hair styling is potentially a way of bonding in a nice non-naked way.

Oh and if she wasn't a mum she'd naturally be suspicious

A lot of these responses are so extreme and obtuse. The ex's girlfriend probably thought she was being helpful sending your DD home bathed , especially if you have more custody and the bulk of the childcare falls on you (She is a mum, I'm sure she realises how hard it can be).

Also, the whole argument about which time of day DD had a bath being odd i find equally strange. Why on earth does it matter what time somebody takes a bath?! We bath at any time in my home. Sometimes we get the Sunday, before school bath done in the morning, sometimes the afternoon or evening, it really depends on plans for that day and when I can fit it in without having to rush.

If you have genuine concerns for her safety then by all means raise it, otherwise I would just take it as ex's girlfriend showing care towards your daughter and trying to be helpful.

The people on this thread who don't see an issue with this are very naive.

We are all different but I'd be training my daughter to have her own mind and say what she actually feels rather than what I train her to say.

Because training a hold to say a particular thing that you want them to say is taking away them being able to say what they actually want. This in an abusive situation is very dangerous.