To be upset about Ex’s new partner bathing our child?

[IcyCat]

Bit of relevant background: ExH and I have been separated for 18 months, hopefully soon to be divorced. We have 3 children (7, 9 & 11) and we get along/co-parent fairly well most of the time. I am the resident parent, our children stay over at his 1-2 nights per week depending on his schedule.

He's been with his new partner for about a year and they’ve recently moved in together. I’ve not met her, but the children like her a lot, so I’ve no problem with her generally. She has children of her own who live with them full time, they don’t see their father due to previous abuse (according to ExH).

Tonight I started running a bath, and DD (7) told me she didn’t need a bath, because she’d already had one with ”partner’s name” before I picked her up (at tea time).
So I said “Oh ok, daddy didn’t tell me you had a bath today.” And then she said daddy didn’t know because he was out at football practice with DS (which was 2pm ish so middle of the day?), and ”partner” gave her a bath, she helped her wash her hair and dried her off, dried her hair etc when she got out.

I feel a bit weird about this. Firstly I don’t think it’s at all appropriate for this woman to be bathing my young child, it’s her dad’s responsibility. Secondly, why do it while he’s out, and to put her in the bath in the middle of the day is odd anyway? I did ask DD if she had been doing some kind of messy play to need a bath but she said no.

I don’t want to accuse this woman of anything because as far as I can tell from the conversation with DD, nothing else happened besides the bath. DD wasn’t upset and told me conversationally, but I’m not comfortable with it at all and wouldn’t want it to happen again.

I know ExH will likely say I’m overreacting so I thought I’d ask mumsnet before I raise it with him, I’m sure I can rely on honest opinions here!

So AIBU to be upset by this?

Exactly I was about to say this. I don’t get this “logic”

I'd feel weird too but I think you need more info

Maybe her hair was dirty? Seeing as she specifically washed her hair. My dd always had showers that age except when washing her hair, I found that much easier in the bath. I doubt a 7 year old would notice if they had smelly hair.

You're not being unreasonable at all because NO other adult, regardless of gender or biological sex, should have access to your child naked without agreement from her guardians. Period. While I highly doubt this woman was in any way or would ever do anything abusive, she still needs to be given consent from the child's guardians.

It's ok to feel upset about it but I think so long as she's kind and doesn't hurt or upset your DC then that's all you can wish for

Just be relieved that so far things are going ok between them all

😂😂😂😂😂🤦‍♀️

Accuse her of what, exactly?

I've known DSD since she was 2 so I've done nappy changes, bath times, changing after swimming and all of that. Sometimes there has to be an overlap between parenting and step-parenting. We even took a friend of hers on holiday with us when they were about 8 and I ended up being in the bathroom with both of them, but I asked both first if they wanted/needed me to come in as I would have preferred to stay out of the way.

I wouldn’t like this either OP. Personally I don’t think the partners of parents should be involved in care such as baths, toileting etc, for both the child’s and partners sake.

He only sees his kids once or twice a week, he should be with them if they’re young enough watching. If that means taking the other kids to an activity one child is doing, so be it.

*to need watching.

Maybe she thought it would be one less thing for ex to do when they get back so he can spend time with your dd because he wasn't there?

What about if they went swimming as a family?
Would you expect your child to be on there own in the changing rooms, or would you prefer the gf with your child?

The GF has been in your child’s life a year and more than likely loves her and thought nothing of bathing her

Some parents are odd tho… I was a babysitter for an agency / Stranger to the child and parents but the amount of parents who got me to bath their older child was unbelievable (Point being, the thought of abuse isnt naturally in alot of people’s heads)

@LongDriveway maybe the little girl didn’t WANT to stand on the sidelines to watch her brother play football… it was cold and wet in much of the UK yesterday. But hey ho, the father and the step mother must be in the wrong rather than trying to accommodate both children’s needs/wants when they are in their care.

@ILJ28 His child is young so needs watching, he only sees her once or twice a week, so it’s my opinion that he should watch his children, not leave them with his fairly new partner.

Kids sometimes have to come along to things with siblings, thats life. I think it’s unfair on partners to babysit kids in this situation.

You don’t have to like my opinion. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I agree with this. He needs to be the one parenting, not his partner.

You probably won’t get anywhere with this though OP, he’s found another woman to babysit, it makes his life easier, so he’s not going to rock the boat by saying she’s overstepped.

She’s probably just trying to be nice to the kids and please your ex, but is being used convenient free childcare for him. She’ll probably tire of it. So many people, usually men, make the mistake of expecting new partners to play the role of step parent, it usually goes wrong when the woman realised what’s really happening.

@IfYourHorseSaysNo

I agree with this. He needs to be the one parenting, not his partner.

So for you parenting includes saying "you have to go out in the cold and wet rather than staying in a warm house "

I wouldn’t like that but I’m very funny about these sorts of things

It includes being with your children when you only see them once or twice a week, not putting on a newish partner. Kids survive in the cold and wet, there’s coats and wellies and he could always talk to and play with his child.

OP IME Mumsnet is not the place for a conversation like this. It has no place for tentative thoughts, contemplation of feelings, discussion. Are you accusing anyone ? No. Does this give you pause for thought and feel a bit off ? Yes. I totally get why. I would feel the same.

Some people bathe kids anytime of the day.
Be grateful the kids have an involved well-adjusted person with their Dad.
I would accept as a split family you have alot to adjust and accept.
I would zip it.
His time is not for you to be overly involved in

I used to get annoyed that my exH didn't bathe our daughter at all no matter how long she stayed with him. She used to make a real fuss so I would have been truly grateful for this lady to send her home clean and hair washed and dried. Maybe she was trying to help or just trying to find something to do with her.

OP I get why it feels off. I would just gently raise it either with your ex or directly with her if possible just to gauge her reaction. It’s probably completely innocent but I think you’re allowed to say you’re not comfortable with it.

It might be weird logic but it would make me feel better knowing she’s a women and a mum herself 🤷🏼‍♀️ comes across as a bit less weird, I dunno why

I would not be happy with this at all. I think it's weird that she gave your DC a bath in the middle of the day while your ex was out. Very strange.

Depends how long they've been together / how well I knew her but no doubt I'd like it