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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell MIL to stop with the comments

542 replies

mariaem · 16/02/2024 21:48

More of an "how to do this" not AIBU

I'd rather not have my husband with me during the birth. I prefer he drops me off at the hospital or heads home when the intense contractions start, and then returns once the baby and I are cleaned up. This is just how I feel, and I'm not really up for debating it, so please let's not turn this post into a discussion of pros and cons of partners being at the birth. The question is about MIL's comments and how to address them.

So, I'm about 28 weeks pregnant, and every time I see my MIL, she just won't let up with the comments like, 'Are you still planning not to have him present?' or 'Do you think he'll regret not being there?' or 'Perhaps you'll change your mind when you feel more maternal towards the end of pregnancy' I've been trying to brush it off for the past 20 weeks with responses like, 'I don't see myself changing my mind' or 'Yeah, it's what we've decided,' but she's persistent.

My husband thinks she's just shocked and wants to express her feelings, but he's never been one to stand up to her. He's more of a 'mom's always right' kinda guy. We've talked about it, and he's cool with whatever makes me comfortable on the day, ultimately I'm the one doing the work.

How can I gently but firmly address her comments? I've tried telling her that the topic makes me uncomfortable and that we've made our decision, but she seems to ignore it.

OP posts:
WigglyVonWaggly · 16/02/2024 21:53

‘The decision is between us and we’re not going to be doing anything else. So please stop asking.’ If you want a firm stop to the questions, you need a firm answer to the questions.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/02/2024 21:56

"I will no longer discuss this with you."

mightydolphin · 16/02/2024 21:57

If she isn't the type to drop it, then you could always just say you've changed your mind and then go ahead as planned. Who really cares what she thinks, it's your labour.

Bex5490 · 16/02/2024 22:00

Your issue here is with DH.

If he’s a mums always right kinda guy then she’ll always think she can say what she likes.

Tell him it’s his responsibility to tell his mum to drop it because if he can’t stand up to her now, she’ll be a nightmare when you actually have her grandchild…

Hatty65 · 16/02/2024 22:00

You need to stop. It is entirely my decision as to who I want with me during labour and I've made it. I am beginning to dread having to see you because you keep repeatedly making comments on this when I've asked you not to.'

I'm blunt. If she said anymore I'd be asking her whether she wanted to be involved in the baby's life, because I was considering cutting her off altogether.

Fetaa · 16/02/2024 22:00

Ignore her comments, change the topic and if she persists repeat that you’re not interested in talking about it

Original poster
mariaem · 16/02/2024 22:02

@mightydolphin it's her personality to be very "you either agree with me or you're wrong", she's done this before but on less important topics (eg we wanted to go to Dubai when we were dating and her comments were all "it's awful this time of year" "are you just going because it's cheap?" "What a horrible idea" - I didn't want to start an argument with my boyfriend's mum as wanted to stay in her good books / was more of a people pleaser, and my then-boyfriend now husband never learnt to stand up to his mum or contradict her opinion so we just booked a holiday somewhere else)

I feel like if we don't put a stop to it now, it'll just be the story of our whole life doing everything MIL wants and not doing anything she disapproves of. And I certainly don't want that for when the baby arrives.

We're from different cultures if that makes a difference (perhaps explains attitude to partners in the room during birth). She's British, I'm not (from a country more east)

OP posts:
heldinadream · 16/02/2024 22:02

MIL are you starting as you mean to go on with trying to get me to change my decisions I make about my own child and pregnancy? Because if you are going to do this with everything perhaps we should cut to the chase and part company now.

shampooing · 16/02/2024 22:04

For future reference, things that are between you and DH should stay between you and DH. If people don’t know the ins and outs of your life they can’t offer unwanted opinions. MIL does not know anything about how I gave birth (she doesn’t know I had a c-section as she would have more opinions on that), we don’t tell her anything she doesn’t need to know.
My cousin, like you, wanted to give birth alone but she didn’t tell many people (she did tell me as she knew I would support her even though it wouldn’t have been my choice).

Your MIL may feel her son will miss out on the experience of seeing his baby born but that’s between you both and ultimately up to you. But I wouldn’t have shared the plan with my MIL.

Frasers · 16/02/2024 22:05

Are you sure he’s ok with this, it’s his child too, so both your feelings need to be taken into account, even though it’s you giving birth. Is she expressing what he feels unable to?

Original poster
mariaem · 16/02/2024 22:06

@Frasers see above, this post is not a discussion of the decision or whether it's the right one to make.

OP posts:
NoOrdinaryMorning · 16/02/2024 22:09

That's really unfair and dare I say it, a bit selfish to ban your DH from being at the birth of his own child. I mean yeah it's your body so you can absolutely do it, but I think it's unfair. Particularly when you could just say to him to be quiet, not to touch you and keep a lot profile in the room, etc. Some ground rules. But to ban him completely? I'm not surprised his DM is upset, she's upset for her DS ☹️

Bigearringsbigsmile · 16/02/2024 22:11

Frasers · 16/02/2024 22:05

Are you sure he’s ok with this, it’s his child too, so both your feelings need to be taken into account, even though it’s you giving birth. Is she expressing what he feels unable to?

This.

You can't stop people questioning this.

Bex5490 · 16/02/2024 22:11

NoOrdinaryMorning · 16/02/2024 22:09

That's really unfair and dare I say it, a bit selfish to ban your DH from being at the birth of his own child. I mean yeah it's your body so you can absolutely do it, but I think it's unfair. Particularly when you could just say to him to be quiet, not to touch you and keep a lot profile in the room, etc. Some ground rules. But to ban him completely? I'm not surprised his DM is upset, she's upset for her DS ☹️

Surely it’s a woman’s choice who is with her - would you say if a couple broke up a woman should have to have a man she isn’t in a personal relationship be there?

Aquamarine1029 · 16/02/2024 22:11

If you don't want your mother-in-law's input or opinions, then be smart and think before you share private information. What she doesn't know she can't comment on.

NoOrdinaryMorning · 16/02/2024 22:12

mariaem · 16/02/2024 22:06

@Frasers see above, this post is not a discussion of the decision or whether it's the right one to make.

I'm afraid this is a discussion forum and this is discussion relevant to the issue you've posted about. So you can’t just 'order' posters to only discuss certain elements of the issue.

NoOrdinaryMorning · 16/02/2024 22:14

@Bex5490 Absolutely I would unless he was violent or abusive. It's his child! He has every right to see him/her born. As long as he's respectful of the mother and stands well back if she wishes him to.

MorrisZapp · 16/02/2024 22:15

How does she know your birth plan? The comments she's made sound very mild to me. It's unusual not to want the father present at the birth, and she's his mum so wants the best for him. Nod and smile, no need to get upset over it.

Lizzieregina · 16/02/2024 22:16

Can you believe it’s raining again?

Did you see on the news that we’re in a recession?

I loved Queen Camilla’s pink dress!

Anything but respond to her unsolicited advice.

brokenbitbybit · 16/02/2024 22:17

mariaem · 16/02/2024 22:06

@Frasers see above, this post is not a discussion of the decision or whether it's the right one to make.

Respond to her with the same assertiveness as this should work.

Bex5490 · 16/02/2024 22:18

NoOrdinaryMorning · 16/02/2024 22:14

@Bex5490 Absolutely I would unless he was violent or abusive. It's his child! He has every right to see him/her born. As long as he's respectful of the mother and stands well back if she wishes him to.

I disagree…I think a man has the absolute right to have access to his child, but labour can be really traumatic for a woman.

I don’t think a man has the right to be there if it will make the experience more difficult for the mother.

Why do you think men have this right?

DGPP · 16/02/2024 22:18

Tell her you won’t be discussing it but, for what it’s worth, she is standing up for her son. The vast majority of fathers are now at the birth in the UK. Her views are not that unusual and you need to get over yourself a bit

Mystro202 · 16/02/2024 22:18

Big mistake telling her this in the first place. In future maybe you should be a bit more vague about things.

NoOrdinaryMorning · 16/02/2024 22:20

@Bex5490 Wow! Just wow.

I'll say it again IT IS HIS CHILD TOO!!!!!!!

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 16/02/2024 22:22

Can you just tell her that you you are the patient and in your culture it would not be appropriate for him to be there and the discussion is closed. Just repeat every time.