To tell MIL to stop with the comments

[mariaem]

More of an "how to do this" not AIBU

I'd rather not have my husband with me during the birth. I prefer he drops me off at the hospital or heads home when the intense contractions start, and then returns once the baby and I are cleaned up. This is just how I feel, and I'm not really up for debating it, so please let's not turn this post into a discussion of pros and cons of partners being at the birth. The question is about MIL's comments and how to address them.

So, I'm about 28 weeks pregnant, and every time I see my MIL, she just won't let up with the comments like, 'Are you still planning not to have him present?' or 'Do you think he'll regret not being there?' or 'Perhaps you'll change your mind when you feel more maternal towards the end of pregnancy' I've been trying to brush it off for the past 20 weeks with responses like, 'I don't see myself changing my mind' or 'Yeah, it's what we've decided,' but she's persistent.

My husband thinks she's just shocked and wants to express her feelings, but he's never been one to stand up to her. He's more of a 'mom's always right' kinda guy. We've talked about it, and he's cool with whatever makes me comfortable on the day, ultimately I'm the one doing the work.

How can I gently but firmly address her comments? I've tried telling her that the topic makes me uncomfortable and that we've made our decision, but she seems to ignore it.

In that case, may I suggest this:

1. answer normally the first time,
2. when she rebuts, answer exactly the same
3. the third time, your answer is ‘for the third time’ blah blah blah’.

To be fair, this is much more effective when you are just saying ‘no’ to something. Pointing out how repetitive something is seems to make the idiots realise you aren’t going to change your mind.

Does your husband want to be at the birth? I'm wondering if he has agreed to it for your sake, but does actually want to be there, and maybe he's commented as such to his mum, and she thinks she's standing up for him?
If he truly is happy to not be in the room, I think it's up to him to pull his mum aside and say "listen mum, I'm happy with our decision so please STOP commenting on it to Maria".

Good luck op! Good to get your DH to put down boundaries now. He probably won’t though. Stick to your guns and ignore mil. hope the birth goes well. My dh was there but I could’ve done without him!

Mine is like this. And I am also a people pleaser but I very much know my own mind.

I find the easiest way to stop the persistent questions is one word answers, or very brief i.e. if she asks if you are sticking to your plan, just say "yes'. Or will he be there 'no'.
I find the more direct I am the more she listens and I have concluded some people just don't seem to get it if you are subtle and polite

It’s only comparatively recently that men have been allowed to stay when women are labouring.

If she keeps banging on then it would be just fine to be increasing curt / rude back. It’s none of her damn business.

The only two people who matter during labour are the mother and the baby. The mother is the one going through labour, delivering a child. What she wants to make that easier is paramount. Generations of men survived not being a bystander to labour. I'm sure OP's dh will too. Labour and delivery is not a cutsy parenting instagram moment. It is not necessary for the father to see it to bond - and if it is, there is something wrong with him.

It is a time of a serious physical effort for the mother. I nearly died in my first labour - it isn't like missing the first steps or first day of school. The woman is the patient here. I'm actually shocked at the women on this thread judging her for what is a private medical decision. And I say that as someone who is certain that I survived my first birth because DH (a medic) was there and alert and watching.

OP either refuse to talk about it to MIL - change the subject or whatever or just say "why would you keep going on about something that isn't going to change no matter what you say?"

Also you need to make your dh more worried about upsetting you than upsetting your mother in law.

All this stuff about "it's his child too." It's also extremely personal and potentially embarrassing. What if you don't fancy your man hearing you scream in agony? Shitting yourself and filling the room with stink? Watching your vulva stretching almost to bursting? Actually tearing, and lots of blood? Some men just can't cope.
I had mine with me for all three, but he was used to delivering lambs. Your DH's love object's animal performance might be a different thing.
You have a right to decide, and stuff what MIL thinks. And DH too.

FWIW I wish I had banned my ex h from the delivery room. He was utterly useless and it put me off him.
You tell your MIL you’re going to do what you’re comfortable with OP, it’s none of her business and if she keeps going on about it you’re going to fall out before the baby is even born. Being a welcome granny might be important to her.
Men in the delivery room is a very development in the history of childbirth practices.
And ignore the shitty posters trying to derail your thread despite your clear request for people to respect your boundaries. There’s a lot of men posting these days, deliberately trying to undermine women. And an awful lot of women who come here to be nasty. Dickheads.

I'd have been happy not to have DH there when I had my C-section, and I suspect he'd probably rather not have been there either. But because everyone thinks it's expected now, we did.

DTs were taken out 6 weeks early. Not planned but they thought one had a poor heartbeat or something so 'now is a good time'. No problems though. Halfway through DH felt faint and had to lie on the floor! We've teased him ever since - I'm sure he (and the surgical team) would have been much happier had he been waiting outside.......

Obviously it's between you and DH to agree what you're happy with. Some men really want to see the whole thing - whereas I think I'd have been happy for DH to be presented with a lovely clean bundle/s after the event - and so would he! But there is the issue of what if anything goes wrong.......

But as long as you are both on the same page (tricky if you're not, but that's another discussion) - it's none of MILs business and she needs to butt out.

My MIL is lovely but very old fashioned, and she was never backward in making snide helpful comments about my parenting. Such as 'how can you feed them room temp formula it must be body temperature' - despite the fact that they had 3 weeks in NICU with a starting weight of around 4 lbs and the staff always gave room temp milk. But what do they know, obviously she knew better than the hospital nurses! And I endured similar comments for the next few years!

Please - be assertive now. Tell her that you and DH make your own decisions and will be disengaging if she can't accept that. Or do the fingers in the ears and la la la......😂

Good luck!!

I think these are excellent points. We all hope that birth goes smoothly but there are so many ways it might not. I was so out of it with DS2 that my DH got to hold him for a long time until I could. Who would have done that if he hadn't been there? Honestly I can't understand why you don't want to share this with your partner.

You don’t have to understand her decision, you just need to respect it.

If my DIL didn’t want my son at the birth of his child I would assume he’d done something really fucking wrong for her to feel the need to exclude him. I certainly wouldn’t be harassing her about it.

I think you have a problem with asking:
How can I GENTLY but firmly address her comments? (my emphasis)
About someone for whom:
it's her personality to be very "you either agree with me or you're wrong"

Stop with the gentle. If, as you say, you have difficulty making your tone of voice sound stern, choose words that are stern instead. Something more along the lines of:
”MIL this is none of your business and you going on about it is going to damage our relationship.”

Since we’re nothing to do with this IRL, we don’t actually need to respect the OPs decision at all.

It’s on AIBU, and OP is BU and she’s started a thread and we can say so.

Yes, women control their own bodies and can choose etc. But really, who actually excludes their loving DH from the birth of their first child?

No, I'm not sure I do to be honest. I don't have to agree with other people's choices.

Regardless of whether its your husband or not, I strongly recommend you have someone there to advocate for you whilst you're in labour. It's incredibly important. You may need someone to make decisions for you so I'd recommend having someone there.

You seem to think you'll give birth and be all presentable straight afterwards but lots of things can happen during labour that means that isn't the case.

I don't mean just complications I mean things like my sister having to help me shower after whilst my husband had the baby because I was unable to do it myself or needing stitches so you can't get out of bed immediately.

I'm not trying to scare you, I'm just trying to give you a more realistic picture of potential situations.

Would you make him wait days whilst you get all cleaned up and ready?

Agreeing and respecting aren’t the same thing.

Most of women throughout history have excluded their DHs.

I can’t understand why if you were happy to have sex with someone you wouldn’t be happy to have them with you when you give birth (if you are still in a loving relationship with them). I would have felt terrible if I hadn’t let DH be there for the moment we became parents.

I also had complications during and after the birth so he was able to advocate for me and look after DS whilst they were fixing the after birth issues.

Lots of people who aren’t British as OP has explained…

If you moved to another country where the custom was for DH not to be there for the birth but you both wanted him to be, should you be judged for that? No.

People are brought up thinking that what they see around them is the ‘correct’ way.

In some cultures birth is a very woman thing with the idea being that the best ppl to support a woman through labour are her female relatives.

Not saying either way is right or wrong they’re just different ways of doing things.

Is a father who isn't a trained medical professional actually allowed to do that?

I definitely thought the same with my second (not because I didn't want him to be with me but we didn't have family for DS and that was a bigger priority). However as soon as I went into labour I instantly regretted the decision and we dropped DS off at a friend's and I didn't want to be alone at all. I'm glad I changed my mind as I didn't click with the midwife and didn't feel supported when I was so vulnerable so I needed DH there.

However i didn't have an alternative support person locally, it didn't necessarily need to be DH infact I would have probably preferred knowing DS was with him as he had never been left. I just had this immediate strong feeling that I didn't want to be alone.

I had this problem with my then MIL as well. She kept making disapproving comments about my parenting, such as not letting my newborn cry. She would make them to other close family members first and then of course I would be told.

In the end, I wrote a polite letter to her asking her to stop and to let me work it out. She huffed and of course said I overreacted but it worked. She stopped with her remarks and we both eventually got over it.

Looking back, parenting is one of the most contentious areas where people disagree and you have to step up and let family members know when it’s not OK. My sister lit up a cigarette in front of my 4 month old and I told her to smoke outside. I am still flabbergasted she did that but proud that I was calm.

Good luck. Trust your feelings and go with them!

If there was ever a time in a woman's life that she has an absolute unqualified right to be "me me me" as you put it, in other words to centre herself and her needs, it's during childbirth.

A child you both had a 50% part in creating.

Like fuck did he create 50% of the child. He donated 50% of nuclear DNA, which involved a few minutes' effort and an orgasm for him. She donated the other 50% of nuclear DNA, all the mitochondrial DNA, and every atom that went into growing that baby inside her. For nine months, she breathed for two, ate for two, pissed and shat for two. He didn't do that, he literally donated 5ml of wankstain and she did the rest.

She will be the one who gives birth. She rightly, and with the backing of the law, gets to decide who is in the delivery room and she has every right to exclude her husband. It is important that she is comfortable when giving birth. This maximises the chance of a healthy outcome for her and her baby.