To tell MIL to stop with the comments

[mariaem]

More of an "how to do this" not AIBU

I'd rather not have my husband with me during the birth. I prefer he drops me off at the hospital or heads home when the intense contractions start, and then returns once the baby and I are cleaned up. This is just how I feel, and I'm not really up for debating it, so please let's not turn this post into a discussion of pros and cons of partners being at the birth. The question is about MIL's comments and how to address them.

So, I'm about 28 weeks pregnant, and every time I see my MIL, she just won't let up with the comments like, 'Are you still planning not to have him present?' or 'Do you think he'll regret not being there?' or 'Perhaps you'll change your mind when you feel more maternal towards the end of pregnancy' I've been trying to brush it off for the past 20 weeks with responses like, 'I don't see myself changing my mind' or 'Yeah, it's what we've decided,' but she's persistent.

My husband thinks she's just shocked and wants to express her feelings, but he's never been one to stand up to her. He's more of a 'mom's always right' kinda guy. We've talked about it, and he's cool with whatever makes me comfortable on the day, ultimately I'm the one doing the work.

How can I gently but firmly address her comments? I've tried telling her that the topic makes me uncomfortable and that we've made our decision, but she seems to ignore it.

Wow! I'm not often shocked by things on here anymore but this is absolutely extraordinary.

A woman is vulnerable, possibly naked, in enormous pain, and pushing a baby out of her vagina / having major abdominal surgery, and you @NoOrdinaryMorning think she should be forced AGAINST HER WILL to have this witnessed in close proximity by a man she is NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH ?!

I think this might be the most misogynistic thing I've ever read on this site, and that's saying something.

Do you know her birth experiences Op? Is it worth saying why do you keep bringing up when I’ve said my feelings and see where she is coming from.
DH had to sign consent paperwork for dd as I was so out of it. I know the Dr could have told me dd had a missing limb but it was a hell of a shock (all scans normal!) and I can’t imagine being alone without DH.

I find the comment, when I want an opinion I will ask for one, it usually works.

Time must fly by at your family events.

I think op, he's her son and she's maybe feeling worried that he could feel left out, or regretful or upset that he missed the birth of his child.

I'm very much of the opinion that it's the mother's decision, she's the one giving birth so she gets final say in what she needs to feel safe and comfortable in that moment. So I fully support your right to make the best decision for you. I just also think it might be difficult for her to understand and she may be doing this out of a sense of loyalty and concern for both you and her son rather than trying to be toxic etc. I chose to have dh with me (as was right for me) and he was an important advocate for me in that moment, he was the first one to have skin to skin with ds as I needed a bit more medical attention after the birth etc. So I can understand her worrying what would happen if he wasn't there to support and advocate for you, would you feel on your own. But then perhaps you've maybe identified another birth partner who you feel more comfortable with.

I would take her comments as being made in good faith and out of genuine concern for you both. I'd speak to your dh and ask him to address it with her and shut those conversations down and if she brings it up again I'd politely change the topic and move it along. If she brings it straight back I'd tell her directly that you're not open to any further conversation about that aspect of the birth.

I don't think a mother being concerned for her son is, in itself, a bad thing, he's a grown man but he's still her son.

Urgh. So many disgusting misogynistic comments like this on this thread.
Hmm, let me think, is it about the baby, or maybe the woman giving birth... no I'll tell you what's important - the feelings of the men. You people are insane.

Are you sure he's as 'ok' with this plan as you think he is? Maybe his mum keeps bringing it up because he's struggling with it?

Whatever you decide, I'd strongly suggest he is in the hospital very very nearby. He could do the old fashioned thing and pace the corridor outside or something. That way if you decide you do want him there, he can be with you in moments.

A lot of women have complications which mean that going it alone isn't sensible. Most of those risks can be mitigated if dad is just outside. What if your baby is born very ill and it's rushed to NICU, what if (sorry...) your baby doesn't make it. What if you are rushed into theatre after birth.

I know someone whose baby was so ill they were immediately blue lighted to another hospital - dad was there so went with baby (mum couldn't as was too ill). It was touch and go whether baby would even survive the journey. They couldn't have waited until dad turned up at the hospital.

Someone else I know needed immediate surgery, so dad was left holding baby and giving first feed. Your baby would be in a cot alone.

During birth, what if you aren't able to articulate for yourself because of drugs or pain? You may have a sudden desire to have him there.

So please have him at your side at a moments notice whatever you decide.

Someone else I know needed immediate surgery, so dad was left holding baby and giving first feed. Your baby would be in a cot alone.

Baby wouldn't be in a cot alone, they would be taken care of by medical professionals until dad got there

What a horrible horrible post. You've completely made up that shit about 'not perfectly made up'. OP is not a 'spoilt brat' just because she's making a decision that some random on the internet doesn't agree with. In some other cultures it's not customary for the father to be present at the birth, just as it wasn't here 50 years ago.

I'm not saying it would be neglected, but if calm thru aren't going to waste a HCP time by sitting and cuddling the baby. It's also a little bit sad when dad could be there doing the cuddling.

So once the pregnancy can be transferred to him to carry to term he'll get a vote.

Fucking unbelievable.

It’s so weird that 99% of people have assumed that OP wants to be alone at the birth.

She said ‘I'd rather not have my husband with me during the birth.’, she didn’t say ‘I’d rather be alone during the birth’.

There’s a reason OP said she doesn’t want the thread to be about who is at the birth. A lot of people are just talking out of their arse, we don’t know OP’s birth plan. And we don’t need to know.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick
I'm pretty sure it's nothing to do with her worrying about me or the baby. She is just the type of person who feels she's always right and if your opinion is different from hers - you're wrong. For example DH's little brother just moved in with his girlfriend (bought a bigger house together but further out from city centre) and when the idea was first floated the MIL kept saying how silly that decision is. She now turns up to their house and says "regretting moving yet? Ah well, you will soon!" (I know this because she's said it in front of us once and because I'm good friends with the girlfriend). She's not concerned for me or baby, made a scene when I didn't want to drive 3hrs to a family gathering in my first trimester.

I don't think she's concerned for the state of our relationship. Judging by other signs, she can tell we're fine and she's been made aware it's cultural and it's my preference.

As I had to say to my mother 'Only two opinions count and you missed the cut'.

I'm pretty sure it's nothing to do with her worrying about me or the baby.

This was apparent from your OP and her insinuations that you’re not maternal.

Judging by other signs, she can tell we're fine and she's been made aware it's cultural and it's my preference.

And there’s a lot of that cultural ignorance on this thread. Some people can’t accept that people from different cultures can do things differently.

But its in her body!

Urgh. So many disgusting misogynistic comments like this on this thread. Hmm, let me think, is it about the baby, or maybe the woman giving birth... no I'll tell you what's important - the feelings of the men. You people are insane.

Thanks.

It's your body your choice OP for the room. But things do go wrong in labour, will you have someone else with you? And if decision needs to be made or your not getting the care you need can that person speak on your behalf?

Sure the room but to drop you off and go home....its very weird and callous.

Baffled by people saying a man has the 'right' to watch his child being born as though the woman giving birth is just some kind of convenient vessel and not a human going through a procedure that's incredibly intimate, painful and personal. Just shut it down like others have said, OP, and stand your ground. You don't have to have anyone there you don't want to, and the very worst thing would be feeling like you couldn't make your own decision, whatever that was. Good luck!

I wonder how many men get bullied into being there when they'd rather not?

When I had my first child, most people didn't have their husband or partner in. It was just starting.

If push comes to shove... there was an incident in a European country some years ago, a husband fainted seeing all the blood, fell backwards onto the stone floor and passed away from a contrecoup brain injury. Maybe a story to relate to MIL?

@chiwwy I also say that the OP can choose to ignore her. Those two things are not the same at all. The MIL has as much right to autonomy over her mind and body (her mouth) as the OP.

Love this!!! If I manage to be brave enough or she annoys me enough I'll actually say this

I don't understand why you can't be as assertive with DH and MIL as you are on this thread? Deploy the skills you have displayed here with them.