To tell MIL to stop with the comments

[mariaem]

More of an "how to do this" not AIBU

I'd rather not have my husband with me during the birth. I prefer he drops me off at the hospital or heads home when the intense contractions start, and then returns once the baby and I are cleaned up. This is just how I feel, and I'm not really up for debating it, so please let's not turn this post into a discussion of pros and cons of partners being at the birth. The question is about MIL's comments and how to address them.

So, I'm about 28 weeks pregnant, and every time I see my MIL, she just won't let up with the comments like, 'Are you still planning not to have him present?' or 'Do you think he'll regret not being there?' or 'Perhaps you'll change your mind when you feel more maternal towards the end of pregnancy' I've been trying to brush it off for the past 20 weeks with responses like, 'I don't see myself changing my mind' or 'Yeah, it's what we've decided,' but she's persistent.

My husband thinks she's just shocked and wants to express her feelings, but he's never been one to stand up to her. He's more of a 'mom's always right' kinda guy. We've talked about it, and he's cool with whatever makes me comfortable on the day, ultimately I'm the one doing the work.

How can I gently but firmly address her comments? I've tried telling her that the topic makes me uncomfortable and that we've made our decision, but she seems to ignore it.

Could she be worried about you and the baby (if you're giving birth alone, not if you're taking your mum or a friend or a doula). With the state of uk hospitals, and the shortages and standard of care in childbirth in particular, sometimes you really do need someone to advocate for you and insist on various things (second opinion, pain relief, c section etc) if you know something isn't right - it's easy to be ignored if you're immobile or semi conscious etc

She might also be worried about the state of your relationship, that there is something wrong between you that you don't want your partner there to support you, or that you have to keep up a facade of perfect wife to your husband, that you cant be yourself etx. Eg you can keep him out of the birthing room but how is it going to go between you when you get home if you wet yourself / need someone to check your stitches urgently / help to go to the toilet / leak milk everywhere / collapse in an emotional heap about nothing - there is lots about having a baby, other than the birth itself, which isn't pleasant or dignified

D people really speak to other human beings like this? Just talk to her and if she won’t listen say ‘look, we’re not going to agree on this one so we’ll talk about something else shall we?’ Id also check she isn’t asking because her your dh has been saying to her he really wants to be there, she could be trying to help

Blimey, how rude are you.

Not surprising that you don’t think women have the right to discuss what they want on their own thread or who is present when they are at their most vulnerable and giving birth.

Yeah I am. All his responses are "oh just ignore it" "she means well"

In fairness he's said to her a couple of times "mum it's decided" and "you asked it last time, why would the answer change" but that's it. I think he should be more firm, it's his family to deal with.

MIL is ruder to keep bringing up something that is none of her business.

It's absolutely none of your MIL's business BUT... will your husband regret not being there to see his baby being born?

I know it's your body but half of your baby is your husband's.

Can you tell us why you don't want him there? Your reasoning might stem some of the shocked comments.

I don't blame her, I'd be fuming if my son was being denied seeing the birth of his child and missing the wonderful experience, all because his wife is too vain to let him see her, not perfectly made up. How selfish, it's not all about what you want, it's not up for discussion.
You are behaving like a spoilt brat, denying your husband or this wonderful experience and a beautiful bonding experience between the three of you.
I can't believe what I have just read,
The post is not even up for discussion because you know people will tell you you're wrong,
This post is me me me
I'd be gutted that my son was even married to you, let alone having a child with me.

But back to your original question, she has not listened to you asking nicely so you just need to be more blunt. 'Look mil I understand you wouldn't make the decision that we are making about this. But it is our decision and we are happy with it, and I'm starting to find the continued questions about it difficult to cope with now, so please can I ask that you respect our decision and I'd appreciate it if we didn't discuss it any further

Well, you did take it away from him, because it was YOU birthing the baby, not him. When OP’s husband can give birth, he gets an opinion.

I’ve done labour with partner there, and without. Without was by far the more preferable option for me.

Stay strong OP, and tell the MIL that her concern is hers, not yours, and you’ve no time to give it headspace.

This. She's entitled to her feelings and her opinions. Unless she's coming down to the hospital and forcing her son into the room she's not doing anything wrong by just expressing herself. You don't have to like it and you can also choose to ignore everything she.says but being a parent doesn't mean you get to control what other people say or do. And the PPs saying you should threaten NC over this are being frankly ludicrous.

Meant to say with you.

No, she’s not entitled to continually harass Op. Stop claiming ownership of pregnant women’s bodies,

If you don't want your husband to see you in labour or until you are "cleaned up", I'd question how good of a relationship you actually have tbh.

I'm sure everything will go fine, but all sorts of emergencies can happen during childbirth. I'd agree uts important he was there for that

Will you have a doula or anyone there to advocate for you or make decisions should you not be able to?

I had the same plan, dh drop me off, I crack on and he comes back once it’s done. I didn’t want him there, thought I’d be better on my own.

however, when things went to shit and I couldn’t communicate, he was the one who alerted staff, who stood up to them and told them something was wrong, that weighed up the risks and benefits and consented on my behalf.

i do think you need someone there with you, would it shut your mil up if you told her you’re hiring someone as you’d prefer a professional and you’re only allowed one person in or something?

Yes - I think I would have come close to this.

I did have DH there - but because I wanted him there. I do not think it is a father’s right to see his child being born. If the mother would prefer an all-female environment then that is what should happen. Decades ago that was exactly what happened, and I’m not sure it’s always best for birthing mothers to have DH there. There would be some controlling bastards who should definitely not be there, and some fussers and panickers who shouldn’t be there either.

OP, tell your DH to have a firm word with his DM or you’re likely to explode. His choice.

You could tell her you're afraid that if he sees a baby coming out of you, he'll never want to perform oral sex with you again... maybe shocking her with crude comments is the way to go!

She perhaps has the right to express her opinion once. At this point she has more than expressed it and needs to shut up. I think you are absolutely justified in being very blunt with her at this point. I also think that it sounds like she might have been a bit weird/overbearing about it all even if you'd made a more 'typical' choice - 'will you cut the cord?' is a really odd response to being told you're having a grandchild. It sounds like you were about 8 weeks pregnant at that point - why would anyone be chatting about the birth?!

@chiwwy What on earth are you talking about?!? I haven't claimed ownership of any pregnant woman's body?!? 😂😂😂😂

I agree, I started bleeding heavily in the birthing pool and slipping under the water semi concious.. I needed my husband to pull me out and press the buzzer for someone to come

That is what you’re saying though when you say MIL is ‘entitled’ to spew her opinions to OP.

She can have an opinion but she can ruddy well keep it to herself.

Is this your first op? Only because you seem to be assuming it will all go swimmingly and be uneventful.

I would not want to be on my own in labour. You cannot advocate for yourself effectively.

Ultimately your choice though and d mil needs to butt out.

You and your husband need to tell her together that this is what you have decided and that the conversation is over and if she is showing you now that she can't respect your decisions, you are concerned what this means going forward.

As an aside, my husband was with me during both deliveries and hand on heart if I had my time over I would have had my sister with me instead. It wasn't anything he did wrong, he was great, I'm not saying he wasn't but I do feel I spent energy worrying if he was ok that I should have been using on myself.

I think there's a lot to be said for women supporting women through birth and if that's what you want then it's not her place to try to tell you your husband has to be there.

Maybe suggest to her that she goes to hang out with him during your labour.

You could just say" I'll see how I feel nearer the time" and then change the subject.