Page 21 | To tell MIL to stop with the comments

mariaem · 2024-02-16T21:48:57+00:00

More of an "how to do this" not AIBU I'd rather not have my husband with me during the birth. I prefer he drops me off at the hospital or heads home when the intense contractions start, and then returns once the baby and I are cleaned up. This is just how I feel, and I'm not really up for debating it, so please let's not turn this post into a discussion of pros and cons of partners being at the birth. The question is about MIL's comments and how to address them. So, I'm about 28 weeks pregnant, and every time I see my MIL, she just won't let up with the comments like, 'Are you still planning not to have him present?' or 'Do you think he'll regret not being there?' or 'Perhaps you'll change your mind when you feel more maternal towards the end of pregnancy' I've been trying to brush it off for the past 20 weeks with responses like, 'I don't see myself changing my mind' or 'Yeah, it's what we've decided,' but she's persistent. My husband thinks she's just shocked and wants to express her feelings, but he's never been one to stand up to her. He's more of a 'mom's always right' kinda guy. We've talked about it, and he's cool with whatever makes me comfortable on the day, ultimately I'm the one doing the work. How can I gently but firmly address her comments? I've tried telling her that the topic makes me uncomfortable and that we've made our decision, but she seems to ignore it.

bakewellbride · 20/02/2024 13:39

If my dh wasn't there for the birth of his children he'd have been heartbroken and devastated. You've got to accept people will question it op (although if i were your MIL i think I'd just about manage to keep my mouth shut but be secretly upset)

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 20/02/2024 13:39

MamaToABeautifulBoy · 20/02/2024 12:19

‘A few minutes of thrusting his dick into her’

Well, aren’t you a delight.

Jesus wept. And we wonder why some men are misogynists.

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Are you disputing the factual accuracy of what I have said, or are you just tone policing?

Men are not misogynists because of what women say. They are misogynists because they feel entitled to control women's bodies and lives. Blaming women for men's misogyny is itself a form of misogyny known as "rule one".

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 20/02/2024 13:41

mariaem · 20/02/2024 13:00

Wow thank you everyone for your lovely advice, didn't expect to get so many responses but I've tried to read most of them (except the ones where I saw at the start that it was going into an off-topic discussion about whether or not to have him there, didn't waste time on those).

For anyone who wants an update as it's mildly annoying when you hear the start of the story but not the end:
MIL came over yesterday for dinner. Just before she came I spoke to my husband and said he needs to now address it, because it's raising my stress levels which can't be good for pregnancy. If he can't address it then we can alternatively lower my stress levels by not seeing her until either I've given birth and recovered both physically and mentally, or until she stops her comments. Within about 15 mins of getting here she commented how my bump is looking bigger now, how I'm very close to the birth (still a good few months out most likely but ok...) and have I thought any more about whether he will be present at the birth. I just looked at her with raised eyebrows, looked at my husband and went to the opposite side of the room to get something. My husband said to her (which I didn't really expect!) "I feel like we've discussed this a few times now, Mum, is everything ok? I'm a little worried about whether you're struggling with your memory lately?" She said that no, of course not, it's just such a strange decision because DH misses out. DH just said "well it's a decision we've made and it won't be changed. So suggest you move on as this repetitive talk isn't doing anyone good". By this point she stared at him and rolled her eyes. At dinner she was all quiet and huffy puffy, told us she disagrees with the colour we've done for the nursery and disagrees with our child having 2 middle names, which I think was the final straw for me so I said "I guess you'll have to get used to not agreeing with the decisions we make!"

I guess it's a good step DH stood up to her and I will have to start doing it more too!

It looks like you have got the message across to DH. Well done to both of you for supporting your decision.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 20/02/2024 13:44

This thread has been very informative as to how many women are willing to enforce rules one, two, three, and sixteen. Especially three and sixteen.

The Rules of Misogyny

#12. Women’s ability to recognize male behavior patterns is misandry

https://4w.pub/the-rules-of-misogyny

Iwasafool · 20/02/2024 14:17

Gruffallowhydidntyouknow · 20/02/2024 13:08

She's standing up for her son who you are asking to miss one of the most special moments of his life.

How do you know how he feels about it? He might be horrified/revolted/squeamish and not want to be there but even if he does he doesn't get to make the final decision.

Iwasafool · 20/02/2024 14:23

I had my first baby in 1971. My local maternity hospital didn't let dads stay for the birth. I was one of the women fighting to get the rule change which is funny as subsequently I realised I preferred him to not be there but I was actually fighting for the right to have a choice.

I find it so disappointing that fighting for women to have a choice has resulted in them apparently not having a choice but they now "must" do the opposite to what we had to do 50 or 60 years ago.

That wasn't what we wanted, we wanted choice. It is hard that it is other women that are trying to take that choice away and judging women who want something different to them. I am sorry for all the women being pressured to have a man present at the birth of their baby, we truly weren't trying to do this to you.

crumblingschools · 20/02/2024 14:25

Hopefully as a parent she hasn't brought up her son to be revolted or horrified by the thought of childbirth, that should never be acceptable. That seems to fall within rule 6 of that article on misogyny

Iwasafool · 20/02/2024 14:33

crumblingschools · 20/02/2024 14:25

Hopefully as a parent she hasn't brought up her son to be revolted or horrified by the thought of childbirth, that should never be acceptable. That seems to fall within rule 6 of that article on misogyny

You don't bring someone up to be phobic about blood or bodily fluids. Personally I can deal with urine, vomit and shit. I couldn't cope with phlegm. Nobody brought me up like that, it is personal. I have a GC who faints if they see blood. Maybe we are talking about a compassionate man who is deeply disturbed at seeing the woman he loves in pain so in your book he has to attend the birth even though his discomfort is likely to be uncomfortable for her, just as an example I wouldn't let my mother see me in labour as I knew it would distress her and I didn't have the head space to deal with that I wanted to concentrate on me and how I felt. I'm sure I'm going to be told that is selfish but I couldn't care less, women have a right to put themselves first in a situation is like quite possibly painful/scary/dangerous.
Regardless of all that how can watching something that you find deeply unpleasant also be the most special moment of his life? It is really arrogant to assume that is true.

Where does rule 6 "Women who go around being female AT men by menstruating and breastfeeding babies deserve punishment." say anything about childbirth, how men should feel about child birth or that men aren't allowed to be squeamish?

GabriellaMontez · 20/02/2024 14:35

crumblingschools · 20/02/2024 14:25

Hopefully as a parent she hasn't brought up her son to be revolted or horrified by the thought of childbirth, that should never be acceptable. That seems to fall within rule 6 of that article on misogyny

A nice example of rule 1. 'Women are responsible for what men do'.

Iwasafool · 20/02/2024 14:37

Here's a thought, maybe the men who like watching childbirth are sadists who want to see their wife/partner suffer?

crumblingschools · 20/02/2024 14:48

@GabriellaMontez there are many cultures that do tell men that periods/childbirth are revolting/dirty. That will start from parents teaching/bringing their child up in that culture. Mentioned the mother, as someone said she was standing up for her son, and another poster said maybe her son is revolted by childbirth, so I responded that hopefully she hasn't taught him that. I feel exactly the same that no dad should be teaching their son that childbirth is revolting.

@Iwasafool you will notice that I didn't mention squeamish in my response. You are speaking to the person who kept her eyes shut throughout labour as very squeamish! With your last point if you think that I am amazed you ever had children

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 20/02/2024 14:55

crumblingschools · 20/02/2024 14:25

Hopefully as a parent she hasn't brought up her son to be revolted or horrified by the thought of childbirth, that should never be acceptable. That seems to fall within rule 6 of that article on misogyny

Being squicked out by something isn't the same as punishing it.

Nantescalling · 20/02/2024 15:20

Gruffallowhydidntyouknow · 20/02/2024 13:08

She's standing up for her son who you are asking to miss one of the most special moments of his life.

You just don't get i do you?

Nantescalling · 20/02/2024 15:24

Iwasafool · 20/02/2024 14:23

I had my first baby in 1971. My local maternity hospital didn't let dads stay for the birth. I was one of the women fighting to get the rule change which is funny as subsequently I realised I preferred him to not be there but I was actually fighting for the right to have a choice.

I find it so disappointing that fighting for women to have a choice has resulted in them apparently not having a choice but they now "must" do the opposite to what we had to do 50 or 60 years ago.

That wasn't what we wanted, we wanted choice. It is hard that it is other women that are trying to take that choice away and judging women who want something different to them. I am sorry for all the women being pressured to have a man present at the birth of their baby, we truly weren't trying to do this to you.

Just like feminism - initially demanding the right for equality in employment and ending up with all women having to bring in a second salary to cover mortgage repayment, child care etc etc.

Nantescalling · 20/02/2024 15:26

tralalalalalalalal · 20/02/2024 11:15

I'm really interested in your choice not to have him there! (Not opposed to it or debating it, just curious because usually in a caring relationship people want them there for support). What made you come to this decision?

She has said she is not open to debate, didn't you see?

kkloo · 20/02/2024 16:49

MamaToABeautifulBoy · 20/02/2024 12:19

‘A few minutes of thrusting his dick into her’

Well, aren’t you a delight.

Jesus wept. And we wonder why some men are misogynists.

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So women sticking up for women is why some men are misogynists?
Or is it that women sticking up for pregnant women is why some men are misogynists?

What a bizarre and offensive comment.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 20/02/2024 17:15

Nantescalling · 20/02/2024 15:24

Just like feminism - initially demanding the right for equality in employment and ending up with all women having to bring in a second salary to cover mortgage repayment, child care etc etc.

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House prices are high because of a failure to build houses as fast as the population expands; failure to replace social housing stock lost to right-to-buy; overseas landlords; and the little problem that the country's land area doesn't increase as the population increases, making land inherently more expensive.

This is not because of feminism at all.

Workplace equality lets me be paid the same as a man doing the same work and have legal recourse if I am harassed or discriminated against. That's all it does. It doesn't make house prices go up.

Nantescalling · 20/02/2024 17:55

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 20/02/2024 17:15

House prices are high because of a failure to build houses as fast as the population expands; failure to replace social housing stock lost to right-to-buy; overseas landlords; and the little problem that the country's land area doesn't increase as the population increases, making land inherently more expensive.

This is not because of feminism at all.

Workplace equality lets me be paid the same as a man doing the same work and have legal recourse if I am harassed or discriminated against. That's all it does. It doesn't make house prices go up.

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Who said anything about house prices??

LadyDanburysCane · 20/02/2024 18:01

Gruffallowhydidntyouknow · 20/02/2024 13:08

She's standing up for her son who you are asking to miss one of the most special moments of his life.

Or she’s interfering in a decision that her son and her DIL have made TOGETHER.

Also not all men see it as “one of the most special moments of his life”. My DH was with me for SOME of my first labour - he found it very traumatic seeing me “suffer” and that it was all his fault. It took a long time to convince him to let me “go through it” again.

I know a few men who just felt really guilty at having put their partner through that and at least two who now only have one child as a result.

Two of the “most special moments of his life” for my DH were meeting his DD and then his DS … he didn’t need to see me grunting, groaning, screaming and having my vulva stitched up after a double episiotomy and manual placenta removal!

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 20/02/2024 18:24

Nantescalling · 20/02/2024 17:55

Who said anything about house prices??

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all women having to bring in a second salary to cover mortgage repayment

What makes a high mortgage repayment if not high house prices?

Iwasafool · 20/02/2024 20:33

crumblingschools · 20/02/2024 14:48

@GabriellaMontez there are many cultures that do tell men that periods/childbirth are revolting/dirty. That will start from parents teaching/bringing their child up in that culture. Mentioned the mother, as someone said she was standing up for her son, and another poster said maybe her son is revolted by childbirth, so I responded that hopefully she hasn't taught him that. I feel exactly the same that no dad should be teaching their son that childbirth is revolting.

@Iwasafool you will notice that I didn't mention squeamish in my response. You are speaking to the person who kept her eyes shut throughout labour as very squeamish! With your last point if you think that I am amazed you ever had children

So a man sitting there with his eyes shut for maybe 12/18/24 hr? I'm sure he'd be a great support. The fact is No 6 had nothing to do with childbirth and it definitely had nothing to do with a woman choosing to labour and deliver alone.

As to some men enjoying seeing their wife in pain yes that's possible. I used to work with the vice squad for several years and nothing surprises me.

Iwasafool · 20/02/2024 20:36

LadyDanburysCane · 20/02/2024 18:01

Or she’s interfering in a decision that her son and her DIL have made TOGETHER.

Also not all men see it as “one of the most special moments of his life”. My DH was with me for SOME of my first labour - he found it very traumatic seeing me “suffer” and that it was all his fault. It took a long time to convince him to let me “go through it” again.

I know a few men who just felt really guilty at having put their partner through that and at least two who now only have one child as a result.

Two of the “most special moments of his life” for my DH were meeting his DD and then his DS … he didn’t need to see me grunting, groaning, screaming and having my vulva stitched up after a double episiotomy and manual placenta removal!

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Amazing isn't it that we shouldn't have a choice because of what someone else decides they know about us and our relationships.

Nantescalling · 20/02/2024 20:51

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 20/02/2024 18:24

all women having to bring in a second salary to cover mortgage repayment

What makes a high mortgage repayment if not high house prices?

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Gotcha!

Sugargliderwombat · 20/02/2024 21:12

Amazing OP. Good for you!!!

kkloo · 20/02/2024 21:32

Gruffallowhydidntyouknow · 20/02/2024 13:08

She's standing up for her son who you are asking to miss one of the most special moments of his life.

It's one of her most special moments too, but also one of her most vulnerable.
So if anyone needs someone standing up for her it's the OP.

If I was the OPs mother I'd be furious at the MIL.
I also would be possibly be fuming at my SIL if he didn't stand up for my daughter and let her continually be exposed to that bullshit.

So if my daughters MIL was 'standing up for her son' for 20 weeks straight and making such offensive comments implying she just wasn't very maternal I'd be 'standing up for' my daughter. The MIL wouldn't be bullying and harrassing my pregnant daughter and getting away with it.