To tell MIL to stop with the comments

[mariaem]

More of an "how to do this" not AIBU

I'd rather not have my husband with me during the birth. I prefer he drops me off at the hospital or heads home when the intense contractions start, and then returns once the baby and I are cleaned up. This is just how I feel, and I'm not really up for debating it, so please let's not turn this post into a discussion of pros and cons of partners being at the birth. The question is about MIL's comments and how to address them.

So, I'm about 28 weeks pregnant, and every time I see my MIL, she just won't let up with the comments like, 'Are you still planning not to have him present?' or 'Do you think he'll regret not being there?' or 'Perhaps you'll change your mind when you feel more maternal towards the end of pregnancy' I've been trying to brush it off for the past 20 weeks with responses like, 'I don't see myself changing my mind' or 'Yeah, it's what we've decided,' but she's persistent.

My husband thinks she's just shocked and wants to express her feelings, but he's never been one to stand up to her. He's more of a 'mom's always right' kinda guy. We've talked about it, and he's cool with whatever makes me comfortable on the day, ultimately I'm the one doing the work.

How can I gently but firmly address her comments? I've tried telling her that the topic makes me uncomfortable and that we've made our decision, but she seems to ignore it.

I prefer not to tell lies but in this situation I would. You’ve told the truth and it’s not been accepted. Say he’s going to be there to shut her up even though he won’t be. If your husband doesn’t want to lie then he’ll have to tell her to zip it

I agree. When did it become necessary for birth being a spectator sport, not only the father but mother, aunt, sister friend and Uncle Tom Connor getting in the way?
So glad we were abroad, never even told anyone correct due dates and ignored all questions.

No, OP doesn’t have to listen to her and if MIL doesn’t stop then OP should NOT be subjected to MIL.

Cobbly, not Connor!

Have you actually said that out loud to people ?

I say it in my head but never been brave/rude enough to voice it. I don't this I would have any friends/family left to talk to !

My then dh wasn't in theatre when ds was born, my mum was & if I had my time again I would have sent him home & just had my mum there for all the induction & the emcs. My mum has known me all my life & knows me much better than he ever did, she was a better advocate, having had two children of her own & understood much more of what was happening. I didn't want him touching me when I was in pain, my mum could get through to me when the pain was at it's worst & helped me with my breathing & the gas & air, he was just useless.

@JudgeJ like this one a lot too!!

I feel a bit sorry for your DH. Of course it's your right to labour however you please. I personally can't imagine excluding my DH from such a huge life event. It's a bit like a solo wedding.

Tell your DH that he needs to tell his mother to stop. You do not need to do anything.

Yes its his child but coming out of HER body! She can have who she wants in the room. It's not like he can be much help anyway is it so it's perfectly fine. I'm sure he can come in as soon as the baby is born so why does it matter if he sees the baby coming out of her vagina? I'm sure a lot of men don't look down that end anyway

I agree with this. OP has said DH will agree with his Mum for a quiet life, but doesn't seem to consider her might be keeping quiet with HER for a quiet life, to keep HER happy too. 😔 Feel sad for him.

I think if there's one time it's ok to put your own wants and needs first (be 'selfish') it's when you're pushing a human being out of your body. I mean bloody hell I know we're socially conditioned to centre mens feelings but come on.

FFS!

To the posters who are ignoring the OP’s wishes - medical research has shown that mother and baby both do better if the mother’s partner is not present. Labour is shorter, better for both mother and baby.
In much of the world, possibly most of the world, it is not normal to have the fathers present at the birth.

To the OP - address the issue with MIL directly. Directly doesn’t necessarily mean rudely or confrontationally.
‘MIL, why do keep raising the subject when DH and I have already decided?’
’MIL, I’m concerned that you keep talking about this when it only concerns me and DH. Are you going to be like this after the baby is born?’
’MIL, I understand you don’t agree with our decision. Talking about it very time we see you is not going change our minds but it will make me want to see you less’.

Tone is everything - you could be a sweet as pie or as vicious as 13 year old girls playing hockey. Same words, different results.

@chiwwy

Disagreeing with someone without falling out is possible you know. I haven't ignore my mother all the time. Doesn't mean I get to control what she says. She.speaks, I nod, and if I disagree I do what I want. People these days seem to think that everyone has to agree all the time. They don't. And you don't get to control what other people say or do just because you disagree.

Obviously OP can have who she wants in the room.

Some of us think excluding a loving kind father is a dick move. Doesn’t mean we don’t think she’s entitled to do it.

OP can what she wants, sisters. And I support that. I also think it’s a massive fucking shame for the dad.

She allowed him to put the baby inside her, so shouldn’t he be allowed to see it come out?

It’s MIL who will cause a falling out with her behaviour. Yes, you can control interfering and rude people by refusing to be around them.

Feel sorry for the DH.

Because the law says he isn’t allowed there without her permission.

He can’t even visit her OR the baby in hospital without her consent.

Impregnating her doesn’t mean he owns her or the right to view or access her body 🙄

@DifficultBloodyWoman I think tone is my issue maybe! I have quite a sweet, girly voice and generally quite softly spoken, so although I've said things like "we won't change our mind" or "yes, it's my choice" attempting to sound stern, perhaps I didn't sound that stern 😂

@chiwwy So expressing an opinion contrary to yours is interfering and rude. Interesting.

You think he’s weak because he won’t stand and up to his mother. She might think he’s weak because he won’t stand up to you and say he wants to be at the birth.

At the end if the day, you and dh need to present as a team and present it as a fait accomplis. Just make sure you aren’t as domineering as his mother,

So you haven’t even bothered to read OP’s posts about her rude and interfering MIL? Interesting.

Why is a woman practicing bodily autonomy ‘domineering’ and needs to be ‘stood up to’? Why not just respect her right to her own body”

Well you certainly sound stern in your written form so maybe write her a text

To be honest if I was her I would be upset for my son that he is missing his child being born (which is unthinkable to me and would be a marriage deal breaker if I was a guy) so would have something to say about it too

Who gives a shit what he thinks? Honestly. I don’t think men’s feelings matter all that much when it’s a woman enduring pregnancy and ending it with the largely painful, traumatic and unpredictable process of birth. What that woman wants, she should get.