To tell MIL to stop with the comments

[mariaem]

More of an "how to do this" not AIBU

I'd rather not have my husband with me during the birth. I prefer he drops me off at the hospital or heads home when the intense contractions start, and then returns once the baby and I are cleaned up. This is just how I feel, and I'm not really up for debating it, so please let's not turn this post into a discussion of pros and cons of partners being at the birth. The question is about MIL's comments and how to address them.

So, I'm about 28 weeks pregnant, and every time I see my MIL, she just won't let up with the comments like, 'Are you still planning not to have him present?' or 'Do you think he'll regret not being there?' or 'Perhaps you'll change your mind when you feel more maternal towards the end of pregnancy' I've been trying to brush it off for the past 20 weeks with responses like, 'I don't see myself changing my mind' or 'Yeah, it's what we've decided,' but she's persistent.

My husband thinks she's just shocked and wants to express her feelings, but he's never been one to stand up to her. He's more of a 'mom's always right' kinda guy. We've talked about it, and he's cool with whatever makes me comfortable on the day, ultimately I'm the one doing the work.

How can I gently but firmly address her comments? I've tried telling her that the topic makes me uncomfortable and that we've made our decision, but she seems to ignore it.

The woman giving birth decides who is in the delivery room. It’s not a televisual event.

Learn from this and don’t tell her things again.

Just say “the decision is between me and DH, and if you raise this again I will avoid you for the rest of my pregnancy”

Wow, just wow. It’s her body. 🙄

I'd tell her it's not up for discussion.

Why goes she even know? Surely your plans are between you and you may well change your mind on the day.
I’d just say you have decided as a couple and don’t want to discuss further.
I know you’re saying you don’t want to discuss decision on here but I’d encourage you to think about how you’d deal with situation if you or baby are unwell and dirt logistics with medical providers eg consent if you are incapacitated. My friend had an emergency section under GA so her husband stayed with baby after. My baby was born with a serious physical disability undetected on scans - the dr got my husband to tell me I needed him there.

Yes, she can, it’s her thread. And her OP says: This is just how I feel, and I'm not really up for debating it, so please let's not turn this post into a discussion of pros and cons of partners being at the birth.

So it’s NONE of your business who OP wants at the birth.

So what if "the majority" of fathers are at the birth? This has zero bearing on what OP is comfortable with. I can't imagine why a man would want to watch his beloved partner go through labour so much, even less why any man could feel entitled to force himself there against her wishes. Admittedly I'm more familiar with c-sections, which are not spectator events - but neither should labour be.

She's not standing up for her son. She's not even expressing the same position as him.

How are you old enough to post on mumsnet and yet not old enough to see "but everyone else is doing this!" as a non-argument?

So should men should have equal decision making rights in terms of abortions?

I am all for men having rights to their children, but our differences in biology mean that there are differences in the access that men and women get to a child before and during their birth.

But I can agree to disagree.

A father has the right to see his child after it is born, only when the mother's right to privacy concerning her medical treatment isn't being violated. No man has the right to be in the room with any woman during a medical procedure if she doesn't want him there.

Do you really not get this?

And OP is standing up for herself. When her husband gives birth he can be in the room.

I hope the OP has someone there to support her, if not her dh.
I can understand not wanting him in the room, but not wanting him in the hospital?? Heaven forbid if something goes wrong eg you need a general anaesthetic - who is there to advocate for you or see the baby?

The law is the law:

The father needs the mother’s consent to:

• Access medical records relating to the pregnancy
• Attend medical appointments with the mother, even those that directly relate to the pregnancy such as scans
• Be present at the birth or notified of the birth
• Visit the mother and baby in the hospital after the mother has given birth

So your feelings are irrelevant.

Obviously with hindsight an information diet would have been sensible, but assuming you don't have a time machine, I think visible taking of offence is needed here.
When she says the bit about "when you feel more maternal, you'll change your mind" point out that in your culture fathers do not attend the birth and that you are deeply offended by the implication that your mother, grandmothers and aunties are less maternal than those in her culture. Look upset. Basically shame her into behaving properly. If you just brush it off while silently fuming she will think her behaviour is OK.

@ChunkyTofu oh he's welcome to stay in the hospital (he knows this), just thought he'd be more comfortable at home.

I don't particularly mind where he passes the time as long as he is comfortable and arrives fit, healthy, sober once the child is born.

Oh for the love of God people can't you just pretend for five minutes that you are reasonable compassionate humans and RESPECT the OP's clearly stated boundary???

OP: I think you're going to have to be quite rude to MIL next time she brings it up: "NO AND STOP COMMENTING ON IT NOW." Don't explain, apologise, justify, minimise or apologise.

I'd be completely childish and stick my fingers in my ears and go LA-LA-LA-LA when she starts to comment.

@Dixiechickonhols
She knows because one of the first comments she made will be "will you cut the cord?" and that started a conversation where I said actually no, he won't even be there.

I agree with the last point. I had a postpartum haemorrhage and nearly had to go to theatre. I wouldn't have wanted DH to not be there for DD.

If you don't want him in the room, I'd have him in the hospital, not at home.

As for MIL, be blunt that it's none of her business. And ask your husband to back you up on that! He can't keep on thinking his mother knows best when it comes to decisions you are making about your birth, or decisions the two of you will make about your child in the future.

@mariaem

You need to tell DH to tell her. Are you equally annoyed with him for thinking she has the right to comment on the choices you make as a couple?

I can see why she’s upset, you have placed an embargo on the father of BOTH your child from being at their child’s birth. A child you both had a 50% part in creating. That’s bloody harsh and if your son were my DH, I’d be very hurt and upset on his behalf. You cannot police her feelings just as you have v stridently proclaimed that she has no right to have an opinion on the, frankly unreasonable, demands you are making on the day BOTH your child is born.

The moment my son was born was the best moment / day of my DH’s life.

By the way. You cannot post something so contentious and frankly utterly absurd on a public forum and control the responses you receive 🤷🏻‍♀️

YABU.

TBH I am not surprised she is shocked. Cannot imagine having a baby with someone I then didn’t want to be there when his child is born.

And she’s right about Dubai.

But yeah, everyone will tell you how right you are so probably just do what you want and tell your MIL to get stuffed along the way.

Absolutely all this, no way on this planet would I take the birth of my husband's child away from him

That’s the thing op. You can’t decide what people are allowed to say, be it us or your mil. You maybe able to control what your partner says, but it stops there.

I was the stroppiest cow when pregnant & would have lost my shit with her by now, along the lines of

• if you don't stop all this bullshit you will not be seeing me or the baby for months. Its none of your business so shut-up

It's possible to think OP is being unreasonable in her decision while also thinking that it is none of her MIL's business. The MIL is perfectly entitled to have an opinion, no one can stop that, but she doesn't need to voice it. It's nothing to do with her.