AIBU to defend my daughter?

[stressedmummmm]

My daughter is 11 (12 in June) and she has been a handful to handle both at home and in school. She is starting to get into more and more trouble at school and I'm not sure what to do.

Recently she has gotten into trouble for googling her history teacher during class which the teacher. She's gotten an afterschool detention.

Previously she had gotten into trouble for being rude and combative to her very kind teacher. The teacher has said that negative consequences do not have an effect on her, and the sanction system fails her.

Another teacher has said she's so distributive in music class that the teacher has requested she be moved to another class as she didn't want to deal with her anymore.

At home, she will scream at me if she does not get what she wants. She is very rude to us all. She hits her brothers if they do not listen to what she tells them to do, for example, to turn their iPads down. She will scream if her food is not how she wants it. She will scream if I dont take her somewhere specific now.

She is very jealous of me hanging out with my friends or even speaking to them on the phone. If I go out with my friends she will call her father in tears saying I have abandoned them (we live close to my inlaws, and when I go out my inlaws kindly have the kids). She will also text my friends on my Instagram and tell them to not contact me/I don't want to speak to them.

Her father and I had a rough patch a few months ago and she was witness to a lot of the fighting. However, these behaviour issues are not new at all. Amid our fighting, she got into trouble at school. In the first term of the year, she had gotten (within two months) 25 negatives.

I lost my mum at 14. My stepmom was not kind, and she didn't like me. I ended up spending most weekends with my grandmother on my mum's side. As I got older I started spending more time away from my dad's house until I got married at 23, fresh out of uni. I think I tried to give my children as much love as possible, and I always try to show them I am on their side. Kind of us against the world. When my daughter gets into trouble I am the first to defend her, but it gets out of hand and the school has mentioned suspension and expulsion more than once. My children live a blessed life, they get everything they want. DD goes horse riding three times a week, and I am thinking of buying her a horse.

I am worried that I have raised a spoiled brat but that she also might be neurodiverse. Her brother has been diagnosed with ADHD, but he behaves much better and his issues were very apparent. Shes smart enough to be masking, but her behaviour is out of hand.

My friend tells me I need to become more harsh with discipline, and I should be punishing her more severely. Especially with the horseriding privileges. How should I do this? Please be kind, I am trying my best here.

You don't say how you set boundaries with her, also if she is getting in trouble at school yes be supportive of your daughter but defending her when she's in the wrong isn't helping her.

There need to be consequences for her actions- that aren't you giving in and giving her what she wants. Tell her what's going to happen if she continues doing x and stick to it no matter how hard.

I think you know deep down your daughter shouldn’t be rewarded with a horse given her behaviour. I would pause her horse riding and explain she can go back to it when her behaviour improves. But be clear with her what behaviour you expect to improve. Polite at school, no hitting siblings, no screaming at home etc

Investigate re the possible neurodiversity. Adhd runs in families. Her behaviour is outside the norm for her age.

Get her assessed. I very much doubt that it's about your parenting.

You don't talk much about your parenting style. How you set boundaries, punish and reward behaviours.

"My children live a blessed life and get everything they want"

Apart from a stable household with no fighting? Giving a child everything they want is not good parenting.

You have a you problem.

Her behaviour is out of order. You say sanctions and discipline don't seem to work at school, but what about at home? She needs to see consequences for her actions. I don't think she deserves a horse, the way she's carrying on?! She could be abusive towards it if she's got this many issues. It costs at least a couple of grand a month to keep a horse as well.
I think you should try and talk to her, in a non threatening way when she's calm, about doing some counselling? She could be very sad about you and your ex's break up. She could have depression, or some kind of personality disorder? Can you take her to the GP?

"My children live a blessed life, they get everything they want. DD goes horse riding three times a week, and I am thinking of buying her a horse."

Your daughter is badly-behaved at school, terrible at home -

"At home, she will scream at me if she does not get what she wants. She is very rude to us all. She hits her brothers if they do not listen to what she tells them to do, for example, to turn their iPads down. She will scream if her food is not how she wants it. She will scream if I dont take her somewhere specific now."

And yet you treat her to things and don't punish her. She IS a spoilt brat, because she knows there will be no consequences for her poor behaviour.

Take her mobile 'phone away. Stop the horse-riding lessons. Your own childhood has no bearing on the way you're raising your daughter. Start by having some authority. Children need that, they need rules.

Really???

What are the consequences for being rude?
What are the consequences when she screams?
What do you do when she hits?
Why are you defending her when you get told she is misbehaving at school?
Why has she got a phone if she is abusing it to text your friends? That’s pretty serious behaviour there.

The answers to these questions I expect will give some insight as to what’s going on here.

She sounds VERY spoiled.

And don't forget hormones will now be kicking in...

(I'm a Y7 form tutor so see this behaviour a lot)

You need to decide on some VERY clear boundaries. Write down what is and isn't acceptable behaviour and also write down the consequences of bad behaviour.

Discuss these with her.

And follow through with them!

Any bad behaviour in my house results in 24 hour screen bans for each incident.

And I certainly wouldn't be letting her yo horse riding if she misbehaves at school!

If you want to buy her a horse then perhaps this is her target to behave for 12 months at both home and school.

So when your dd misbehaves you tell her it’s ok and you’re on her side? Do you not punish or reprimand her when you find out what she has done at school? What do you do to lay down boundaries?

If you have any suspicion that she is neuro diverse, deal with that. Get the diagnosis. Learn ways to cope with her and coping strategies for her.

If you take yourself out of it, she is clearly struggling with some elements of life. It can't be fun for her, having these giant feelings, constantly getting negatives, constantly feeling abandoned (even if she isn't actually being abandoned).

Help her. Start with the GP.

In the meantime I wouldn't be rewarding her with a horse OR punishing her. I'd be talking to her. Trying to unravel what she is feeling, and trying to build up her confidence in her safe space: home.

It all sounds very difficult. I hope things get on an even keel soon.

You’re not doing her any favours.
you need to parent her, not just shower her with everything she wants.

Why on earth does she have a horse when she behaves this way???

Sorry to say but her behaviour is getting out of hand. If it’s bad enough that teachers would rather not have her in class then I’d say that’s pretty serious.
Her behaviour at home is not good either , she sounds quite controlling but seems like she’s fighting to gain some control and is infact spiralling.
I would go down the route of adding more sanctions and consequences for her behaviour. She needs to learn that her actions both at school and at home have consequences so I really would rethink the lovely time she has horse riding and try use it as a reward system. I would also contact the school and ask what support they can give you to try get her assessed.
I also think she needs some support with her emotions. She’s clearly witnessed a lot and it’s deeply impacted her. She’s now afraid of you leaving her and this is only going to get worse. I would chat calmly to her and suggest to her about going to counselling to talk through how she is feeling.

I think you need to act on this fast before it gets worse as she gets older.

Yes, really. I think the OP should get her dd assessed.

I'm not saying that she is the perfect parent. I'm not saying that the dd isn't spoilt or that she couldn't benefit from better boundaries etc. I'm not saying that the OP should reward her dd's bad behaviour by buying her a horse.

I am saying that I think it's highly likely that there is something else going on here, and I think she owes it to her dd to investigate that.

I expect millions of people will be along to tell you she’s neurodiverse but clearly she has been raised with no consequences or boundaries. You pretty much admit that. Really tricky now to try and turn back from being friend to parent as she’s going into her teen years. Hopefully someone will have some good advice.

Yes, you are being unreasonable.

You say yourself she is badly behaved and her teachers are telling you that as well.

What you do need to do is to try to shape her into someone who is capable of accessing education and of being pleasant to people.

She doesn't have to be pleasant to people all the time, but she should be capable of mostly controlling her behaviour so it fits with the social setting she is in.

One way to try this is by giving her consequences. The idea behind this is that she learns - if I do X then Y happens. So for example in real life she learns that if she leans while on a bike she will fall off. With behaviour, most parents try to fix it so that children learn that if they are pleasant they get what they want.

So I taught my children to use please by using it to them (modelling - please can you give me that train) and then getting them to use it (" I want the train!l" "can you say that again politely please") and you don't hand over the train until they say please.

So I'd suggest that you need to change your behaviour. Talk to her about this before you do it. Explain that people will be nicer to her if she is polite and she is more likely to get what she wants.

Then say that you will be helping her do this. And from then on, if she screams, ignore it, or prompt her to ask politely.

By the way - she does not sound responsible enough for her own horse. I would not stop the horse riding lessons (now, anyway) if she enjoys them, but she needs to be capable of putting another being first to have a horse and she doesn't sound mature enough.

Even If she is ND she still needs parenting with boundaries and behavioural expectations.

I have a ND child and they are constant hard work but you have to try or you are doing the child no favours at all. That might mean a very different style of parenting but not just giving them everything they want and defending them in the face of shocking behaviour to their teachers and family.

I would not stop horse riding lessons as I think having an outdoor hobby is a good thing but I would enforce other consequences. I would not buy her a horse at this stage.

How is she getting access to your Instagram page by the way? My DS wasn't allowed social media at that age and I certainly didn't let him mess around on my phone and my personal social media.

You have trained you daughter to treat other people like dirt and to bully to get her own way. You've done this by failing to apply consequences to negative behaviour and not rewarding positive behaviour. When she wants your attention, she acts out, and it works.

You have very little time before this is too late to fix. Don't get angry at her, take a step back, be very even and apply clear, consistent consequences. Praise when she's good. Explain to her why you set boundaries.

Get patenting help.

That behaviour is not right, but whether is due to being ND or just a teenager pushing her luck is hard to say.

Go to GP to ask for referral. But that process will take months, so you could not buy a horse and spend the money on a private assessment.

Start laying down expectations of acceptable behaviour. My DS wasn't diagnosed till he was 20 and could be a complete bugger at times. But he knew what was acceptable and what wasn't. I made it very clear what my expectations were and what repercussions there would be if he chose to behave otherwise.

Being ND is not an excuse for all round bad behaviour. It explains why some situations are difficult, but an ND child should still know what behaviour is expected.

If you already have a child with ADHD, then use the same parenting style you use with them.

Her behaviour at home sounds very indicative of neurodiversity to me - intolerance of noise, specific food choices, fear of abandonment, melt downs after perhaps masking at school.

Her behaviour at school could be either disruptive boundary pushing or neurodiversity. No way of knowing. She sounds like a child I teach who just cane across as very disruptive, spoiled and rude. Turned out to have PDA and ASD. Still just as tricky to handle but at least we know the reason and have strategies.

It's worth investigating.

ETA - but no, I wouldn't be buying her a horse right now.

Jesus op.

If my kids screamed about me not making their tea right it would be going in the bin, and they'd be eating toast and cereal until I got a real apology.

A HORSE?!?!!

Cancel the lessons for a start and getting a horse of her own is absolutely off the table. Kids need boundaries - strong ones. Like a pp I am a y7 form tutor and see this sort of behaviour a lot, with and without SEND. Boundaries first (most send kids thrive with boundaries too so not unreasonable to enforce this now) and stick to them. Limit screen time, confiscate phone, especially if she's getting into trouble with it at school!

Mine are ND. We have family rules around behaviour with agree consequences - list on the wall. In most cases they get a warning and a reminder of consequences if they continue.
My dc would not be taking phone to school if she abuses like that. And there would be no access to electronics if she messaged my friends.
If horse riding calms her then I would continue however buying a horse would be on hold until her school behaviour improves massively