AIBU to defend my daughter?

[stressedmummmm]

My daughter is 11 (12 in June) and she has been a handful to handle both at home and in school. She is starting to get into more and more trouble at school and I'm not sure what to do.

Recently she has gotten into trouble for googling her history teacher during class which the teacher. She's gotten an afterschool detention.

Previously she had gotten into trouble for being rude and combative to her very kind teacher. The teacher has said that negative consequences do not have an effect on her, and the sanction system fails her.

Another teacher has said she's so distributive in music class that the teacher has requested she be moved to another class as she didn't want to deal with her anymore.

At home, she will scream at me if she does not get what she wants. She is very rude to us all. She hits her brothers if they do not listen to what she tells them to do, for example, to turn their iPads down. She will scream if her food is not how she wants it. She will scream if I dont take her somewhere specific now.

She is very jealous of me hanging out with my friends or even speaking to them on the phone. If I go out with my friends she will call her father in tears saying I have abandoned them (we live close to my inlaws, and when I go out my inlaws kindly have the kids). She will also text my friends on my Instagram and tell them to not contact me/I don't want to speak to them.

Her father and I had a rough patch a few months ago and she was witness to a lot of the fighting. However, these behaviour issues are not new at all. Amid our fighting, she got into trouble at school. In the first term of the year, she had gotten (within two months) 25 negatives.

I lost my mum at 14. My stepmom was not kind, and she didn't like me. I ended up spending most weekends with my grandmother on my mum's side. As I got older I started spending more time away from my dad's house until I got married at 23, fresh out of uni. I think I tried to give my children as much love as possible, and I always try to show them I am on their side. Kind of us against the world. When my daughter gets into trouble I am the first to defend her, but it gets out of hand and the school has mentioned suspension and expulsion more than once. My children live a blessed life, they get everything they want. DD goes horse riding three times a week, and I am thinking of buying her a horse.

I am worried that I have raised a spoiled brat but that she also might be neurodiverse. Her brother has been diagnosed with ADHD, but he behaves much better and his issues were very apparent. Shes smart enough to be masking, but her behaviour is out of hand.

My friend tells me I need to become more harsh with discipline, and I should be punishing her more severely. Especially with the horseriding privileges. How should I do this? Please be kind, I am trying my best here.

I very much doubt that it's about your parenting.

Did you read the OP? This is absolute textbook description of how to create a terrible person.

I've taught for 20 years. Virtually all the kids who've ever had really serious behaviour problems that are hard to fix fall into two camps. Either they have trauma and chaotic home lives or they have parents who do this.

I am worried that I have raised a spoiled brat

You have.

What do you do when she does all these things at school? What are the consequences? Do you ground her? Stop lesson? Remove phone? Make her stay on her room?

You’ve said it yourself, because you know it. You’ve spoiled her. Based on your own traumatic upbringing you’ve compensated by letting her walk all over you. Warm but permissive. The worst parenting style.

You will go through hell and back to try and rectify this. But you must as she will only benefit from it.

Try and collaborate more- she helps cook dinner for example. If she has more input into things she will have more responsibility and less footing to scream that it’s not to her liking.

what’s her sleep like? Does she have a phone? What about friendships?

Have a family chat and draw up a charter of acceptable behaviours. When the behaviours are not evident think about appropriate consequences and then talk about the behaviours once she’s calm.

eg- she hates dinner. Refuses to eat it and shouts.
Ask her if she will eat it calmly, ask her is she sure she won’t try it. Remove plate. When she complains she is hungry tell her her dinner is there and can be warmed. Don’t fight about it. Ignore all complaints and screams. Leave the room.

How does she have access to your phone and instagram. Change your password.

OK, I take this on board. Thanks, everyone. I will cancel the horse riding. For how long should I do this?

Also if she stays at home she will throw tantrums and if she gets over that, she will just just spend her time on electronics. Do I also take away electronics??

Please help me plan this. I do not want this to get worse for my daughter.

I’m not sure what you mean by defend her? Let school deal with the behaviour at school and back them up. If she is using a smartphone inappropriately she gets a ‘dumb’ phone or nothing. My children need a phone as they cycle independently to school but they know if they use it inappropriately they will get the text only phone we keep for this purpose. Back the teacher up who gave a detention, reiterate what is appropriate/acceptable behaviour in school.
What is the consequence for awful behaviour at home?
Others who have said if you have one child who is ND she may be also are v sensible - it often all falls apart at secondary when the masking gets to be too much. But you can pursue investigating this possibility (divert the horse budget) and reassure her you love her whilst still putting consequences in place and not ‘defending’ appalling behaviour.

I don't think an 11 year old needs a smart phone, I would swap for an old style dumb phone.
Please don't buy her any pet, she is not currently a very kind girl.
Horse riding 3 times a week = very spoilt. I know how expensive this is.

Horse riding lessons I would class like a sport and not take these away, if she is disruptive more exercise not less will be beneficial. I absolutely would not be contemplating buying her one unless she can prove over a significant length of time she can behave and be trusted.

I would remove her phone as she’s proven she is not mature enough (googling teachers in class and messaging your friends.) If she needs one for safety she can have a basic model she can call / text on and be given her phone back when she behaves. She’s only 11, she shouldn’t have access to Instagram!

She needs boundaries and consequences and you need to talk to her when she is calm about the way she is reacting. This might help identify if any sensory issues around noise / food as well as helping address behaviour. Advocating for your child is one thing, defending bad behaviour is another.

Jeeze. That's shocking stuff. And yes, defending her is insane.

My professional experience is if a lifetime working within neurodiversity and learning difficulties, but unlike many here, I don't think that trying to get a diagnosis is a priority here. This sounds more like an extremely spoiled child who's never been given any boundaries or consequences.

I'd say that a parenting course and family counselling is a priority at this point, and a meeting with school and any professionals that they can bring in. Together you need to sort a very clear behaviour plan that encompasses both home and school. And then you absolutely stick to it. Because it seems as though you're likely to fold very easily and give into her again.

This sounds like a nightmare. By all means look into neurodiversity, as it might well be there, but I'm more concerned that you'll focus on that as 'an excuse' for her, and continue the way you are, unless you get the parenting advice and work with the school and a counsellor.

Or should I NOT punish her now? I have not set boundaries and consequences for her behaviours. Should I set them now, THEN punish her for subsequent things now?

I feel it won't be fair to punish her now, as this was a couple of days. Her googling her teacher is already being punished at school. Do I also need to punish her at home for this? And is that not an over reaction on my part? To take away horseriding for that.

Op from the questions above it sounds like you need a lot of support with parenting. How long to stop the lessons for seems to miss the point a bit I am afraid.
What you do think she is trying to tell you through her behavior?
Your job as a parent is to guide her and educate her about acceptable behaviour.

I would keep the lessons as exercise will be good for her and she is behaving there, but absolutely remove electronics as she has proven she is not mature enough to be allowed unsupervised use of these.

If she needs a phone to call for lifts get a basic model that can text / call but not access the internet.

This. Go back to basics and start with discipline and consequences. Or are you just expecting the school to discipline her.

Spend time with her. Do things. Walks, arts and crafts, cooking, find a project and start it together.

I would reduce the horse riding. Take away the phone and replace with a Nokia brick. She has to earn back privileges. Tell her.

Set your behaviour expectations- what are they? make a list.

decide on the consequences, they have to fit and and be immediate.

Where is dad?

Rude talk- ask for politeness. State that it’s rude and unpleasant. Take your attention away and do it communicate. Be busy.

Your last couple of posts confirm how desperately you need help with parenting.

I'm not sure what the pathway is for you finding this kind of help, but I'll come back once I've researched a bit.

Change your passwords

limit screen time on all devices. You can do this via parental controls with your broadband.

My 17 year old DD has ASD and ADHD (concentration & organisation, but not impulsive)

Traditional punishments did not work with her, it made a bad situation even worse.

Your daughter didn’t want to feel angry and out of control, it’s a horrible feeling.

In lieu of diagnosis (and I would advise you to progress one), treat her “as if”, research how to parent a teenage girl who is ND. We were quite low demand, and started giving her the freedom to make decisions and take control.

It is important that she knows you are on her side - you don’t have to approve of her behaviour, however, you are still the safe place to fall.

Try to have conversations whilst she is engaged in her hobby (we have a Gamer), it can be easier for ASD young people to talk about difficult things, whilst they are occupied with whatever the obsession is this week.

Have a look at The Autisic Girls Network .. good advice and resources on there

Definitely this. If she is ND then negative consequences for her behaviour are unlikely to work and can actually make the situation worse.

Rather than defend or punish her I would focus on getting her some help.

The consequences need to be linked, follow straight on from the behaviour, and obvious - she can’t use a smartphone responsibly = you take away the smartphone. She’s rude about a meal = you remove the meal. She screams at you = she doesn’t get whatever she wanted until she can ask politely.
I don’t think the horse riding is a problem but maybe it is a sign that you spoil her in general - lessons are expensive so why is she riding three times a week? Take ‘her own horse’ off the table unless it’s as something she can work towards by improving in other areas.

I think you have to establish new rules/expectations before punishing her.
Keep the horse riding, but say something like We've had some poor behaviour that we need to work out/improve etc The screaming and hitting is unacceptable and if you keep it up you will lose out, I won't be getting you a horse if you act like that.
If I see an improvement I would consider it in the future but not right now.

Do you think this would motivate her to try to improve things?

So you need to do a fresh start.

You do need to introduce consequences (don't call them punishments) but don't apply them now to things she has already done.

Work out what consequences you are going to give for what behaviours. Then talk to her and explain them and why you are doing it.

Then apply consequences for her behaviour after that.

Sounds autistic to me.

Some steps I would suggest:

• read The Explosive Child. It will give you some language to use when talking to her and help you learn how to listen.
• Ask to speak to the school SENCO and ask for help and a referral for ND assessment. This could take a while unless you can afford to go private so you need to act before then.
• work out a system of rewards and penalties that you think you can stick to (withdrawal of screens, cancelling riding lessons etc etc)
• it sounds like she doesn't do well with things she can't anticipate. Have a family calendar she can see, and a family meal plan a week ahead so everyone knows what's happening and what they're going to have to eat. Ask all the kids for ideas about food -

Depending on how many you have, perhaps each one gets to choose a meal once a week/fortnight.

• sit down with her and tell her that things aren't working at the moment and they have to change. Set out what you're going to do differently and what she needs to do differently. Set out the system of rewards and penalties which starts from this point and make sure she understands. (It also needs to apply to her siblings so she sees everyone is being treated the same way.)
• STICK TO IT.
• do not buy her a horse. If she asks for one, give the answer up thread: it's a really big responsibility to look after an animal like that and at the moment your behaviour hasn't convinced me that I can trust you to do that.

Neurodiverse or not. This behaviour is completely unacceptable.

Stop defending her and start having rules and boundaries. The horse riding lessons are the first thing to go here ( has more impact that lost screen time) park the horse buying idea until she can behave like a polite human if she can’t keep her phone in her pocket , she doesn’t take it to school ( at our school they lock them in a safe in form and get them back at the end of the day which is so much better than most schools who have to deal with all this crap!)

correct her / pull her up , every single time she is rude. Don’t let things slide. If you deal with the small issues then the big issues won’t happen as much.

in the nicest possible way OP you really
need to get your big girl pants on and parent, be strong. Don’t let her think she is in charge because she really isn’t!