To have said I wasn't going to feed them?

[chucklechucky]

This happened last weekend but only had chance to post.

Last Saturday I ended up looking after DSS 11 by myself when DH had to work overtime. We also have a 3 year old together.

DSS had asked for a friend to sleep over which to be honest I wasn't keen on as I was by myself and could have done without another child in the house when DH wasnt there but I reluctantly agreed after a bit of guilt tripping!

I did say to DH though that if DSS's friend was staying then he would have to have tea at his own home first and come after that as I didn't want to have to feed him as well (the friend). We didn't have any pizzas to chuck in unless I dragged a 3 year old to the shop for one and what I'd planned to cook was more of a sit at the table kind of meal which I didn't want to have to do with DSS's friend, who I've never met.

Dh seemed a bit put out by this and was making comments like "you wouldn't say that if it was DC3s friend when they are older".

We ended up getting into a little bit of an argument and I basically said he either eats before he comes or he doesn't come. Dh did end up speaking to DSS who asked his friend to have tea first. Friend did so, came over, and they were fine (if not a little loud and had to be told a few times to keep it down once it was late).

Things with me and DH were tense the next day.

Was I being unreasonable? I felt I was doing DH a favour as it was, and then another on top having DSS's friend over when he wasn't there and I just cba cooking tea for another person on top of that too and having to have a sit down meal with a random 11 year old I didn't know.

I don't see how it's a big deal to just simply ask a friend to have tea before coming over. Aibu?

Can’t imagine behaving like this myself.

I'd have fed both of them

Yes, you were being unreasonable, and unkind.

Completely agree with you OP.
Maybe you need a sit down conversation with DH in general about not taking advantage of you in general, seeing you as built in childcare etc.
As otherwise his attitude could grow legs.

Pretty crappy behaviour on your part, unless your intention was to make your dss feel uncomfortable; if you did then well done, you succeeded!

Yeah. You were being arsey. If you didn't want the kid there then better to say that. Instead you made it awkward for your DSS and his friend.

Id have asked one if they could have grabbed a pizza on the way by and given them the money back. Or sent them out to the shop to grab one.

I wouldn't have behaved like you did.

I'd welcome the opportunity to get to know DSS's friends a bit better, you can gauge a lot about what's going on in their lives from their friends!

If he’s going to be shitty I wouldn’t do him anymore favours. You’re not obliged to babysit his child and he shouldn’t be doing overtime when his child is there to spend time with him.

Absolutely, and I wonder if the partner is right, she’d not do that to her own kids friends.

op you should have stood your ground and said no rather than be ungracious.

You'd of got to know the child if you allowed them to eat with you.

Ask yourself would it have been a major effort to cook for one more? Only you know.

Personally would have allowed rhem to have tea unless there genuinely wasn't enough to go around.

You need to be firmer in the first place and say you won’t look after DSS if your DH isn’t around if you don’t want to look after him on your own.

I can't imagine begrudging an 11yo food, how unwelcome must that kid have felt. Unless finance's are very tight, the solution was DH pays for the kids to get a takeaway.

@chucklechucky what bizarre behaviour on your part! What were you cooking??

The two 11 year olds could have walked to the shop for you !? I always spoil my kids and their friends when they have them over, not sure why you couldn’t nip out for a couple of pizzas. I agree with your husband.

You were a bit arsy to be honest. It’s normal to make tea for the visiting child. However you were put upon rather to have the child to stay.

I think you should have been generous about it or not allow the sleep over at all.

Sounds really petty to me. You should have definitely fed them.

I'm glad my step mum or step dad isn't at all like this. It's your step child it's hardly baby sitting. Your DH is right I don't think anyone would behave like this with their own childs friends.

And 11 year old chikdren are always less bother when they have a friend. In my experience anyway.

I would've fed them both, that way you could've got to know the 'random' that is his friend.

But if you really didn't want to, then I guess you did the right thing.

You should have just said no, although is there a reason you couldn't cope with a 3yo and 2 11yos? The pizza thing is a red herring, as kids staying with us eat family food. (I know he is a step son btw, but I'm assuming your dh's overtime was to benefit the family, and that it's just an allocation of roles for you to watch the kids whilst he works.) If this is his every other weekend contact time with his son though, it's crappy to leave you to look after him.

He needs to parent, or sort childcare. You're not the default fallback for him, and he does not get to fight with you over you having already provided childcare for him, how rude of him.
His attitude should mean he gets no more favours, now you know how much you're appreciated.

It’s done now but I prob would have either rang for pizza or given them a tenna to go the shops and pick 2 frozen pizzas. If you’re going to agree to having a guest over, it’s only fair to feed them. I wouldn’t like to think of my kids going to stay with someone who didn’t offer them food.

It seems a bit of a fuss to make about nothing.

This is really pathetic behaviour tbh

If you don’t want to look after DS then you need to say so, presumably DHs overtime is bringing needed money into the family but if you don’t want to look after his son you need to take the financial hit.

Having agreed to looking after your step child, I’d have happily had a friend to stay - 2 are often easier than one because they entertain each other. I couldn’t have a child come to stay and not feed them, that’s mean minded and would make your step son feel uncomfortable in his own home. Sitting having a meal together gives you a good insight into what’s happening in your step sons life and let’s you get to know his friend.