To have said I wasn't going to feed them?

[chucklechucky]

This happened last weekend but only had chance to post.

Last Saturday I ended up looking after DSS 11 by myself when DH had to work overtime. We also have a 3 year old together.

DSS had asked for a friend to sleep over which to be honest I wasn't keen on as I was by myself and could have done without another child in the house when DH wasnt there but I reluctantly agreed after a bit of guilt tripping!

I did say to DH though that if DSS's friend was staying then he would have to have tea at his own home first and come after that as I didn't want to have to feed him as well (the friend). We didn't have any pizzas to chuck in unless I dragged a 3 year old to the shop for one and what I'd planned to cook was more of a sit at the table kind of meal which I didn't want to have to do with DSS's friend, who I've never met.

Dh seemed a bit put out by this and was making comments like "you wouldn't say that if it was DC3s friend when they are older".

We ended up getting into a little bit of an argument and I basically said he either eats before he comes or he doesn't come. Dh did end up speaking to DSS who asked his friend to have tea first. Friend did so, came over, and they were fine (if not a little loud and had to be told a few times to keep it down once it was late).

Things with me and DH were tense the next day.

Was I being unreasonable? I felt I was doing DH a favour as it was, and then another on top having DSS's friend over when he wasn't there and I just cba cooking tea for another person on top of that too and having to have a sit down meal with a random 11 year old I didn't know.

I don't see how it's a big deal to just simply ask a friend to have tea before coming over. Aibu?

You’re taking out your irritation regarding your husband apparently foisting childcare on you, childcare that is his main responsibility, on a small child that has nothing to do with this.

Receive the two children graciously and warmly or ask your husband to make his own child care arrangements.

Whatever you decide, do it fully and honourably and don’t be wishy washy about it.

Try not to fall into the trap of the wicked step mother, children don’t understand the difference.

I always think it’s best to leave if you’re not willing to love and embrace your partner’s existing children, much better than ruining a family and scarring young children.

Good lord,what a horrible way to behave to a spouse and step child. What’s wrong with people.

It's certainly socially accepted to feed a child coming over for a sleepover, so you made yourself look a bit weird.

However, if you hadn't made enough dinner to feed the extra lad, I guess it would make some sort of sense.

But "it's a sit down meal and I don't know him" is just bizarre. He's 11. He's not a chimp flinging poo at you. He'll have the basic table manners to sit in front of a dinner.

It’s done now but I prob would have either rang for pizza or given them a tenna to go the shops and pick 2 frozen pizzas

I'd love to see the cashier's face when they pulled out a pee pad to pay! 😊😁

It's clear that your DH has an issue with the different ways you treat your child and your DSS. That's what is underneath this. You need to have a chat.
I do think your attitude was quite rubbish towards your DSS. Personally I'd have ordered them a pizza or something to share as a treat for a sleepover.
As your dh I'd have been really embarrassed to have to ask the child to have their tea before coming round.

I do think there is an underlying issue here, the fact your husband said you’d have done it for your own, shows he is now concerned about how you treat his other child.

DD is nearly 13 and I never know how many kids there’ll be when I get home from work.

There’s always emergency frozen food in the house and usually ingredients to throw a reasonable meal together.

DSS is part of your family whether to like it or not. I can’t imagine telling DDs friends to eat before they come over.

They've also been known to cook for themselves.

Growing up our house always had lots of friends over after school/staying for dinner/sleeping over.

It’ll be the same for your DD. I just hope you treat her friends better.

YABU. This makes me think of all the times I stayed over at friends whose parents were divorced and remarried. I wonder how many times their step parent didn't want me there. I'm 37 and that thought feels uncomfortable even now.

When people have these kind of views it's no wonder step mothers get branded evil lol

Personally I can't imagine making as much fuss over feeding another person as you did.

The noise would annoy me but that's because I'm a miser at nighttime but I wouldn't have made a fuss!

Horrible behaviour tbh.
My son had a friend stay over and the next day, I gave him my card to go and get some food.
I told his friend to get a couple of rolls as my son doesn’t eat very much and I wanted him to feel comfortable having whatever he wanted.
I couldn’t understand how it cost so little and I asked them when they got back.
Friend said he’d paid for his own.
I told him not to do that; if he’s in my house and food is being had, then he is treated as one of the family.
I sent him money to cover it.

You could've ordered a pizza delivery.
You could've just let the kid eat the same meal you'd already planned for you guys, not sure why you felt you couldn't.
You could've said "we're not really prepared for last minute sleepover guests, we don't have much food in to go round, so let's plan it for next weekend instead"

It's very mean spirited to allow any guest to sleepover but refuse them any food and tell them to eat before they arrive. If you can't, or don't want to feed them, you don't allow anyone to invite them over, because good hospitality isn't available at present.

You were being very unreasonable. You were cooking anyway.

This was our house too when the DCs were young, DH used say it was like Barnardo’s at times!
I loved having a crowd of kids enjoying themselves.

Also, unless the OP and her husband have an odd set up, I imagine she benefits financially too when he works overtime.

So stepping in to look after her SS isn't really having 'childcare foisted' upon her, it's just part of working as a family/team.

I know right, it’s like a master class on how to end your marriage asap.

Also, I have an 11yo and when she has sleepovers they're an absolute doddle. They entertain themselves. All you had to do was feed them. Not some great feat really is it

As a step child myself I find this so sad. I also don’t understand the not looking after your partner’s child either, are you not now a family? ( obviously not being taken advantage of)

I guess DSS is part of the family while he's staying with you, even if you're not his Mum. Would you have done it for one of your own? If it's a last minute arrangement, all you have to do is say that if his friend is coming for tea, it'll x as you haven't got time to get anything else.

What, the man fighting OP over her already having provided childcare for him and for someone else's kid? I agree, horrible.

In these scenarios, I always think the step patent should ask themselves if they'd be truly happy with their own child being treated the same way?

If you genuinely would be, then fair enough OP, but I suspect the honest answer more than often than not would be no way

@Boymum2104 no money on earth could get me to date a parent, so I'd never choose to be a stepparent 😊

You sound awful. Why couldn't you go get them a pizza or do a freezer tea?

Lordy I'd have welcomed the child and fed them. The 11 year old will soon be a teen and seriously you will want to know his friends and who he's hanging out with. If you don't, you'll end up with far worse issues than an extra plate of food.
If his friends aren't welcomed he'll go elsewhere instead & you'll have no insight of what they up to.
Very odd behaviour in my book.
My DC have loads of mates in and out of my house and all are welcome to eat whenever we are etc

Sounds petty tbh. I would have fed him.