To have said I wasn't going to feed them?

[chucklechucky]

This happened last weekend but only had chance to post.

Last Saturday I ended up looking after DSS 11 by myself when DH had to work overtime. We also have a 3 year old together.

DSS had asked for a friend to sleep over which to be honest I wasn't keen on as I was by myself and could have done without another child in the house when DH wasnt there but I reluctantly agreed after a bit of guilt tripping!

I did say to DH though that if DSS's friend was staying then he would have to have tea at his own home first and come after that as I didn't want to have to feed him as well (the friend). We didn't have any pizzas to chuck in unless I dragged a 3 year old to the shop for one and what I'd planned to cook was more of a sit at the table kind of meal which I didn't want to have to do with DSS's friend, who I've never met.

Dh seemed a bit put out by this and was making comments like "you wouldn't say that if it was DC3s friend when they are older".

We ended up getting into a little bit of an argument and I basically said he either eats before he comes or he doesn't come. Dh did end up speaking to DSS who asked his friend to have tea first. Friend did so, came over, and they were fine (if not a little loud and had to be told a few times to keep it down once it was late).

Things with me and DH were tense the next day.

Was I being unreasonable? I felt I was doing DH a favour as it was, and then another on top having DSS's friend over when he wasn't there and I just cba cooking tea for another person on top of that too and having to have a sit down meal with a random 11 year old I didn't know.

I don't see how it's a big deal to just simply ask a friend to have tea before coming over. Aibu?

You obviously don’t want to look after your stepson. That’s made clear in the tone in your post and even though your dh was earning money for your family

you could have taken the opportunity to get to know the friend, and spend time with your stepson, and does it matter if you have to go and get a pizza?

your dh is right I bet if it was your child you wouldn’t have had a problem

you were rude in my opinion and it’s something your stepson is going to remember

perhaps you would be better telling your dh to sod the money when stepson is here he has to be as well

Are things very tight financially? I know an extra portion might not seem much to others but I've been there where sometimes it's hard making things stretch but feels embarrassing to admit.

I think those insisting dinner is served - have you thought how discriminating that is against people who are really in financial difficulties? You can't have a sleepover if you are poor

The OP hasn’t said anything about not being able to afford to feed an extra child (though I await the drip feed). She says she didn’t want to buy anything in and didn’t want to sit at the dinner table with a “random” child, which is very mean minded. If money was a concern I’d either arranged a different night for sleepover or fed them pasta or something very cheap from whatever I had in the cupboard.

If you were cooking a meal for three anyway then unless the child was extremely fussy, making one more plate would hardly be going out of your way.

Eating at the dinner table with his friend is a good way to make your step son feel it's his second home.

My dc are a bit younger so it's slightly different but I go to a lot of effort for play dates buying snacks and putting on a spread of party type food and drinks.
I would think a pizza was an easy option if it was last minute but I would definitely assume my child would be given drinks and something to eat if they were invited over by a friend.

Accommodating her DSS to have a sleepover in the absence of his dad is not bending over backwards.
If she didn't want to have the responsibility of a step-parent, she should have avoided a relationship with man who already had a child.
As if anyone would have an issue with an 11 year old "stranger" sat at their table.

It's a good idea to be the house that dc stop in. That way you get to see what is going on as they all get older.
You are being very unreasonable to begrudging a dc a meal, just serve them them the sit down meal you were all having.

How true. Lots of posters commenting about babysitting etc. They share a sibling. Poor kid

I grew up in a home where my friends were always welcomed and honoured, and I want the same for my dc. It doesn't mean there's a lavish meal for them every time, it might just be toasties, frozen pizza etc, but the point is that they are made to feel welcome.
If my 11 year old was invited to a sleepover on the proviso they'd eaten dinner first I'd be on the fence about letting them go. I'd worry the family was poor and couldn't afford another mouth to feed so I'd be worried about breakfast and lunch the next day. Honestly if you are feeding 2 dc anyway an extra mouth is not going to make a difference.

You were unkind and petty

She literally said she didn't want an 11 stranger sat at the table. She had no business getting involved with a man with children if she's not prepared to at least make a basic effort with him or his friends.

I can't believe how rude you were op. I bet that this child's parents must have also thought how mean you were. What's a sit down meal that made you so uncomfortable to share with a child?

You're a meano

Imagine the MN outrage if DC were invited to a friend's on the proviso that THEY MUST EAT FIRST 😅. NO food will be provided! And please ensure your brats have been to the toilet first! Our toilet roll is solely for those of our DNA. Yes it may be lunchtime/suppertime/whatever; no food of ours shall pass your unworthy offsprings lips.

@chucklechucky what had you been originally planning to cook?

It is not very difficult to feed an extra child is it? An adult is understandable, but that was being particularly unkind for no good reason.

Stinging nettles for stepchild; cordon bleu for own darling 😁.

I would have fed both of them.

Regardless of whether they'd have eaten, I'd have still offered!
No one comes to my house and leaves without being fed!

@Veronicaisaflower 😯

“I felt I was doing DH a favour as it was”
I think it’s pretty sad that this is how you view looking after your DSS. This is clearly the root of the problem, as you don’t view DSS as a member of your family, so the whole thing is a “favour”.

Is there a major drip feed waiting to explain why you couldn't just order pizza?

I would have fed the older kids whatever everyone was having. If you don’t want them to share the ‘sit at the table meal’ at the table (whatever that is?!) then they could have gone in a different room or ate in the bedroom as a treat. If there was less food because there was an extra person then the kids could have had some cereal or crisps as a snack.
It’s so shitty of you to exclude your step son and his friend. Friendships are important at that age and you should encourage them.

I think it was fair enough, you agreed to the sleepover and it was last minute so you asked if the child could eat before they arrived.
I really see this as no big deal. My children are 10 and 13 and I've spent all week feeding their friends but I won't agree to a sleepover because I really want other kids out of my house by 7pm.

Next stage is ostracising the boy completely, driving a wedge between dad and son and son and brother and making them choose.
If the child doesn't have any behavioural issues, or additional care needs, how much additional work is it to merely have him and a friend over?
Kids of this age generally entertain themselves. If you're lucky, they might even entertain the little brother for a while, giving you time to get on with other things or make a coffee.
Big fuss over nothing.