To have said I wasn't going to feed them?

[chucklechucky]

This happened last weekend but only had chance to post.

Last Saturday I ended up looking after DSS 11 by myself when DH had to work overtime. We also have a 3 year old together.

DSS had asked for a friend to sleep over which to be honest I wasn't keen on as I was by myself and could have done without another child in the house when DH wasnt there but I reluctantly agreed after a bit of guilt tripping!

I did say to DH though that if DSS's friend was staying then he would have to have tea at his own home first and come after that as I didn't want to have to feed him as well (the friend). We didn't have any pizzas to chuck in unless I dragged a 3 year old to the shop for one and what I'd planned to cook was more of a sit at the table kind of meal which I didn't want to have to do with DSS's friend, who I've never met.

Dh seemed a bit put out by this and was making comments like "you wouldn't say that if it was DC3s friend when they are older".

We ended up getting into a little bit of an argument and I basically said he either eats before he comes or he doesn't come. Dh did end up speaking to DSS who asked his friend to have tea first. Friend did so, came over, and they were fine (if not a little loud and had to be told a few times to keep it down once it was late).

Things with me and DH were tense the next day.

Was I being unreasonable? I felt I was doing DH a favour as it was, and then another on top having DSS's friend over when he wasn't there and I just cba cooking tea for another person on top of that too and having to have a sit down meal with a random 11 year old I didn't know.

I don't see how it's a big deal to just simply ask a friend to have tea before coming over. Aibu?

No I think OP has disappeared, probably/ rightly feeling ashamed of her poor attitude towards SS !Poor kid!

You probably wouldn't have behaved like this if it was your own child asking so yes YWBU.

Would it really have caused much extra work to dish out one more child’s portion of food?

Would it have been that inconvenient to feed the friend. Think you were mean, I have teens and would always offer to feed their friends even if it was toast/cereal. I don't think you would have done the same if DSS was your own child.

There is no rule that says that if DC want a friend to stay the answer always has to be yes. If you didn’t want the hassle you should have said no not tonight maybe suggesting an alternative eve. The minute you said yes then you needed to make the poor kid welcome and feed him .

Everyone having a go at the OP!

In my world the DP would have said 'DSS would like a friend over, I'm working, you ok with that? I was thinking ordering pizza/takeaway for everyone'.

But no, not on Mumsnet the step mum is expected to just do it, and think about the food etc. Well, its 'wimmins' work isn't it!, at all times you should put other people before yourself.

I guess I find the whole "you wouldn't do it if it were your child" argument a bit disingenuous. Because it is different. In the sense that I'd have felt able to say no without being shamed in the first place if it were my child, I'd have perhaps organised it in advance and made sure I had something better in and if, heaven forbid, I did ask that my child's friend had dinner before staying, I'd have been able to do that without getting it in the neck.

I do feel like when DH says this what he actually means is "do whatever I want you to do for my child and don't have an opinion on it otherwise I'll say you must hate him".

PPs have suggested it's a wider issue of me not treating DSS like I do our DC, and that is probably correct. But I do feel over the years I have been unable to do that as DH will never accept or listen to any criticism or opinion that isn't 100% positive. It seems I'm only able or expected to treat DSS as my own when it's something DH or DSS wants, anything else and it's not my business or I'm just being horrid because he's not mine.

And honestly, I just really don't see the huge issue with asking for a last minute sleepover guest to have some tea before coming. I genuinely don't feel I'd think twice about that when my child is older if it were asked of them.

In my mind it was a compromise. I didn't feel like hosting that night, DH knew that but I'd been peppered into agreeing DSS having a friend over and my only request was that he just have some dinner beforehand then. I didn't think it was that big of an issue (and still don't really understand the fuss tbh).

As PP said, if it was such an issue maybe DH could have paid for a takeaway for them but surprisingly he didn't offer to do that.

I would have just fed the guest even if they only had beans on toast.

I would have fed him but, if you and DH have separate finances, his paying for a takeaway for all would have been a condition of agreeing to the sleepover (TBH, possibly would do this even if there was no sleepover and he made me do the childcare).

Sorry OP but this is really mean and a bit strange.. I actually love preparing little snack platters when my DCs have friends round, I would be the same if they were step children too! Imagine saying they could only come over if they have eaten first Your DS must have felt really uncomfortable so I'm definitely on your DHs side!

I think you need to sit down with DH and discuss expectations. You clearly don't have the same view of what being a family entails. If you want cast-iron boundaries around the fact that you're not DSS' parent and won't be doing any of the normal things parents do - like catering for play dates - then that needs to be firmly established and DH needs to accept it. If that isn't the sort of dynamic he wants - and to be fair, that's not how most people expect a blended family to work - then you have a problem and will have to thrash out a compromise. It's unfair for a child to live in a family where the roles and expectations aren't consistent.

What sort of relationship do you have that you are so keen on making sure your step son is so excluded ? How are you living with someone and have a child together and completely separate your step son from it ? I have 2 step children and your behaviour is completely alien to me .

You married a man who already had a child. That child will be part of your life forever. Why did you marry his father if you didn't want the existing family that came with him .There are plenty of men out there who don't come with children .

Fuck me, why on earth did you get into a relationship with a man who already had a child if you didn't want to involve yourself in his family? Millions of childless men out there and you choose to make this childs life a misery, yay for you!!

How exactly were you doing your dh a favour? Your stepson must feel so unwelcome in your home, even without the "I don't want your friend sitting at the dinner table with us!" horseshit.

So he wants you to treat your DSS like yours some of the time, but not others? I'm assuming those times are anything that isn't fun?

Last minute sleepover which you said no to initially which is a perfectly fine thing to do. You ended up agreeing with some parameters of child having been fed before he came, his parents clearly had no issue with this. Kids had a happy, if not noisy, sleepover. I'm struggling to see what other posters are getting their knickers in a twist over tbh.

I’m with you OP. Last minute sleepovers when you the actual parent isn’t there shouldn’t happen. I’m guessing DH only wants you to parent when he wants to be elsewhere. Otherwise you can’t parent as he’s not yours? So you get the worst of both worlds. I would have said wait until your dad is here. Sounds like DSS doesn’t like the word no as his dad doesn’t say it to him? Making you the bad guy.

You were unreasonable, a bit odd and very cold.

Very petty to take it out on DSS. You’re an adult.

I don’t think being forced into it against your wishes is unreasonable to say only if they have been fed if suitable food wasn’t available. Last minute means no chance to get stuff, not everyone has sleepover food in house.

I read this so bloody much on here.

So why get involved with a man who already has a child? It's absolutely ridiculous.

Poor kids. There's a reason I choose to remain a single parent.

I don't understand this attitude towards caring for step kids. If you marry someone with kids surely they come as a package and you accept there may be times when you might need to look after them. The OP's husband was working. It'd be different if he was off on a jolly or was leaving OP to look after the stepson all the time.

Why does a man get involved with a woman, expect her to babysit but not parent? Why does a man use his precious contact time to shirk his responsibility and chose to work overtime rather than see his son? Hmm?