To have said I wasn't going to feed them?

[chucklechucky]

This happened last weekend but only had chance to post.

Last Saturday I ended up looking after DSS 11 by myself when DH had to work overtime. We also have a 3 year old together.

DSS had asked for a friend to sleep over which to be honest I wasn't keen on as I was by myself and could have done without another child in the house when DH wasnt there but I reluctantly agreed after a bit of guilt tripping!

I did say to DH though that if DSS's friend was staying then he would have to have tea at his own home first and come after that as I didn't want to have to feed him as well (the friend). We didn't have any pizzas to chuck in unless I dragged a 3 year old to the shop for one and what I'd planned to cook was more of a sit at the table kind of meal which I didn't want to have to do with DSS's friend, who I've never met.

Dh seemed a bit put out by this and was making comments like "you wouldn't say that if it was DC3s friend when they are older".

We ended up getting into a little bit of an argument and I basically said he either eats before he comes or he doesn't come. Dh did end up speaking to DSS who asked his friend to have tea first. Friend did so, came over, and they were fine (if not a little loud and had to be told a few times to keep it down once it was late).

Things with me and DH were tense the next day.

Was I being unreasonable? I felt I was doing DH a favour as it was, and then another on top having DSS's friend over when he wasn't there and I just cba cooking tea for another person on top of that too and having to have a sit down meal with a random 11 year old I didn't know.

I don't see how it's a big deal to just simply ask a friend to have tea before coming over. Aibu?

Don't forget your younger child will grow up noticing the different treatment you dish out, and it will undermine their sibling relationship. Still, future therapists need fodder I guess 🤷‍♀️.

You never heard of Justeat and McDonalds?

You made such a fuss over something so easy. And it was quite mean.

@Frasers
Good lord,what a horrible way to behave to a spouse and step child. What’s wrong with people.
What's wrong is the twisted attitude of MN regards step mums, she's to be available and skivvy after his kids but she has never to dare discipline them or have an opinion, can't have it all ways.

Aw, I'm sorry that your mum has recently died.

What a lovely way for her to be remembered by people she was kind and hospitable to when they were children.

Some mothers and stepmothers are generous and welcoming to children who are not their own, some are not! It's just mean to tell a child's pal to eat before he comes.

I'd either have said no (perfectly reasonable to say no) or I'd have said yes and fed them. I often have other kids spung on me at the last minute and I can usually rustle something up, even if it's only pasta and pesto or something from the freezer. In a worst case scenario I'd get a Macdonalds delivery!

It is clear that you and DH are not on the same page with how his son fits in with your family. He is just a burden to you, and DH realises that now. He maybe didn't realise this before your own child was born. But it's definitely clear now. These mismatched views are often relationship-ending. A good parent wouldn't inflict on their child someone who thinks so little of them. I think it is a good thing this has happened while your own child is still tiny because it will be easier on the child is that is where this is heading.

Same. I always ate before going to a friend’s house unless I was asked to join for dinner. There was no assumption or expectation that I was going to be given food.

With sleepovers, they were always planned in advance and at least one of my parents had met the parents or whomever would be in charge.

Unless there’s a huge drip feed about how your DH always dumps childcare of his other child on you, then this is the most
unfriendly and petty thing I’ve ever read. How hard could it be to boil some past La for them, or (horror of horrors) nip to the shop for a pizza- even if you did have to bring the little one.

It sounds like you need to have a think about what you and your partner want your family to look like. Looking after your stepson is only providing childcare if you don’t think of them as part of your family. Especially considering that the child is 11, your attitude sounds mean.

My DC has had some friends whose behaviour I wasn’t always impressed with and some who were fussy eaters, but I can’t imagine ever having somebody over and refusing to feed them.

I don't think it's that weird?? As long your DSS had eaten before his friend came over and his friend had definitely eaten at home it's fine.

If my child was going for a sleepover at someone's house and they asked me to give them dinner first it really wouldn't be a problem.

Yes it was really mean

Your DH should have paid for them to have a pizza. Why didn’t he suggest this?

You had nothing in to accommodate his DS’s friend being over, and your DH would rather you have traipsed out to the shops rather than make it easier for you while you facilitate his son’s sleepover.

I mean yes you could have still made the sit down meal. Was you worried in case his friend wouldn’t like it? If so, it’s either tough luck for the friend or your dh orders a takeaway to save the risk. But you going out wasn’t an option.

It seems like a bit of a weird thing to do on your part. You say you did not want to feed the friend with a 'sit at the table meal'? because you'd never met them? What did you think they would do? You clearly were ok with them sleeping at your house. If you were not really OK with the sleepover then you should have said no initially. It seems like you are punishing the other kid when you should treat them as a guest once they're coming round. What difference does it make to hand them a plate/bowl of whatever the rest are having? I would expect my kid to be fed with their friend at the friend's house. That's just politeness.

Yes yabu and petty and mean

Perfectly reasonable, you do you OP. Personally I would have rather fed them both and said no to sleepover (noise! Argh!) but you should only agree to do things you are comfortable with. You don't have to bend over backwards to suit DH or DSS, you have needs too!

I doubt the children actually minded this arrangement, it's not like it's going to traumatise them over a bit of dinner like some people are suggesting

"You're a stepmum so you're automatically an arsehole no matter what you do."

I don't think that for a moment. But I do think in this particular case this particular stepmother was being an arsehole. How difficult is it to feed one extra person when you're already feeding 3?

I'm a bit surprised at the intensity of feeling on this thread. I think for a last minute sleepover it's not any issue to say 'sure, but come round after tea because I'm not prepped today'. I wouldn't think twice about that whether I was hosting or sending my kid round to someone else's house.

If it was planned in advance, that might be different. But a last minute plan for 11 year olds, it's fine. Presumably, you'd still be feeding them breakfast and looking after them for a night. Plenty of ways to show both kids they are welcome and wanted.

If you choose to have children with someone who is already a parent, you take on a relationship with his children aswell.
While it's not reasonable for you to be used as regular childcare, if you are occasionally left alone with DH children, behaving in a petty way will drive a wedge between everyone.
The older child is not just your DH child, he's your child's sibling. Your attitude will drive resentment.
In my experience, children are lower maintenance when they have a friend over. If you're not comfortable eating with a "stranger", take the first sitting and the older child can take the second sitting with his friend.
You really need to get a grip.

I think those insisting dinner is served - have you thought how discriminating that is against people who are really in financial difficulties? You can't have a sleepover if you are poor ?

Why didn’t you want to sit at the table with the kids? If the meal was for everyone and you didn’t want to eat with them you could have plated some up. Does seem a bit unnecessary. Or your DH could have offered to buy everyone a takeaway pizza

So you don't really like your Dss. Poor kid I hope he doesn't live with you full time......if you split with your partner in years to come would you want a new step mum to do this to your daughter?

The OP won't be back as she has had her arse handed to her 🤷‍♀️.

Bit harsh. If your husband has form for foisting childcare on you without a thought or a thank you, I can see why you might feel resentful and have it leak out in this way. Otherwise it seems unnecessarily unfriendly.
Your dh is right about one thing - you won't treat your daughter's friends that way. Bet you.

He’s got a cheek being upset with you when he should be home for his child.