To have said I wasn't going to feed them?

[chucklechucky]

This happened last weekend but only had chance to post.

Last Saturday I ended up looking after DSS 11 by myself when DH had to work overtime. We also have a 3 year old together.

DSS had asked for a friend to sleep over which to be honest I wasn't keen on as I was by myself and could have done without another child in the house when DH wasnt there but I reluctantly agreed after a bit of guilt tripping!

I did say to DH though that if DSS's friend was staying then he would have to have tea at his own home first and come after that as I didn't want to have to feed him as well (the friend). We didn't have any pizzas to chuck in unless I dragged a 3 year old to the shop for one and what I'd planned to cook was more of a sit at the table kind of meal which I didn't want to have to do with DSS's friend, who I've never met.

Dh seemed a bit put out by this and was making comments like "you wouldn't say that if it was DC3s friend when they are older".

We ended up getting into a little bit of an argument and I basically said he either eats before he comes or he doesn't come. Dh did end up speaking to DSS who asked his friend to have tea first. Friend did so, came over, and they were fine (if not a little loud and had to be told a few times to keep it down once it was late).

Things with me and DH were tense the next day.

Was I being unreasonable? I felt I was doing DH a favour as it was, and then another on top having DSS's friend over when he wasn't there and I just cba cooking tea for another person on top of that too and having to have a sit down meal with a random 11 year old I didn't know.

I don't see how it's a big deal to just simply ask a friend to have tea before coming over. Aibu?

Yes, the poor kid having to go to his friend and say can you ea t please, my step mum says she won’t feed you. It’s fucking cringe.

I'm more concerned about the 11 year old friend whose parents are sending him for a sleepover at a stranger's house!

You're a stepmum so you're automatically an arsehole no matter what you do.

I don't see the problem in asking for the kid to have dinner before coming over. Hardly too much to ask his parents to feed him when you're going to have him overnight You didn't know this kid. He could have been a fussy eater. I've had kids for dinner last minute and all they eat is nuggets and chips which is something we don't eat so don't have at home. I'm then left searching the kitchen trying to find something they will eat and they usually end up with toast or cereal.

If your DH wasn't happy then you set a rule that when you're watching DSS there's no sleepovers.

Way to make your stepson unwelcome in his own home!
If you didn't want them you should have said not made 2 boys feel unwelcome.
I'm glad my 2nd husband loved my child and never behaved like this. I really don't understand this not my kid, not my problem attitude.

Reading a few replies and the OP's, how are we in a world where the step child isn't just treated like any other member of the household, with people talking about said child who is looking after him/her and who's responsibility it is?

Surely if you opt in to a blended family you treat it as family? Or at least try too as I know from experience how hard it can be, but, you give it a good bloody go and don't make them feel like a guest in their parents house?

"Your friend can come after tea"

What's wrong with that ?
It's the sort of thing I grew up with when no one expected someone else to feed your children

Your dh making a thing about it is wrong u less he wants to go and buy food and cook it .. but he isn't there is he ?

My mum died in December and 2 of my oldest friends gave a eulogy where they both said their fondest childhood memories were around my mum and how welcoming she was, always cooking and caring for everyone I took home.

This is exactly the mother ai want to be and my sons (and my step kids) friends will always be welcome and fed!

This is on you OP. You shouldn’t have moved in with a man with a child if you aren’t willing to be accommodating to them. I hope you didnt make the friend or SS feel awkward.

There is no need to treat people like this? What a crappy way to treat dss, he will remember these things. Do better OP.

Oh give over, that implies if you’re a step mum you can never be an arsehole, it’s always just as you’re a step mum. She was an arsehole. Doesn’t matter in this context if she’s the mum or step mum. She shouldn’t have taken her issue with the sleep over out on the kids,

How hard is it to make cheesy tomato pasta? I think DSS might have felt quite shamed and unwanted by this.

I would have boiled up some pasta. I fed all kids who came into my house when my DC were little. If nothing else at least grilled cheese sandwiches and fruit.

If you wanted a hill to die on then you should have just refused to have the friend over full stop. Refusing to feed him just makes you look pretty and strange.

If you just didn’t have enough food in, then I think that’s a reasonable excuse for not having someone for dinner. But not wanting to have a sit down meal with a “random” 11 year old is kind of ducking out of parenting.

Whether you should be looking after DSS for your DH at all is another matter, though. What’s the deal there? What have you agreed to in terms of your role in DSS’s life?

Sorry, you were being performatively petty and nasty. Your DSS will grow up knowing you care much less about him than your own child.

This is exactly the sort of behaviour that gives step mums a bad reputation.

He doesn’t need to go out leaving his child with her if he’s so worried. She’s good enough for him to leave in charge and kind enough to agree to a sleepover, he can’t think she’s that terrible…

You’ll find two distinct camp on MN where step-parenting is concerned. This is my take.

Yes, you were unnecessarily difficult to DSS and his friends. Regarding your opinion of what is a ‘favour’, families, of whatever type, should not be transactional. Your beef should be with your DH if he is regularly and avoidably stepping out in his responsibilities to his son. Take that up with him. You should not ever displace your disgruntlement on the child in the situation – it is not their fault and they will always suffer from having had their family break up. If how your DH conducts things does not work for you then that’s a relationship issue you either need to fix or leave.

I honestly feel like people go out of their way to behave poorly.

I cannot imagine begrudging an 11yo a friend over and getting stroppy about feeding them.

I thank god growing up my family and friends’ families were universally welcoming.

I am the world's worst SM but even I don't have an issue with feeding DSC and their friends. If you didn't want to take your 3 year old out you could have order a pizza

God I had three kids who all brought their own friends for tea, sleepovers etc

You could have ordered pizza, bought some chicken nuggets or fish fingers at the shop.

You just sound mean

Yeah I would have fed the friend. Chucked something together out the freezer or taken the 3 y/o to the shop for the pizza.

This is the kind of behaviour that your SS will always remember!I am a fairly old adult now but I still remember how welcoming my Mum was with my friends.
My children are adults now and still comment on how much their friends enjoyed coming for sleepovers/ parties etc .
Cooking an extra portion for your SS friend would have involved zero effort..very poor show on your part OP .

I would have found something in the cupboard or freezer and fed them separately if I didnt want to eat with them

😂

Sorry but I would have fed them both.

You said you didn’t have pizza but what about frozen chips and nuggets? Or splurge a little and buy a take away pizza?