AIBU to think that I should be financially rewarded for DH working overtime?

[WhatsMyUsername89]

Very controversial this and I know I’m going to sound like a spoilt brat.

DH works a well paid job; I work part time (4days hrs compressed into 3, so LONG hours) and the rest of the week is spent with 2year old DC.

We do financially ok, can afford 1 holiday a year.

DH has started doing overtime every Saturday and has started going “on call” of an evening. He doesn’t get called out every evening but when he does he usually is out for a solid 5/6hrs.

So he’s working much more, which means I am also subsequently putting more of a shift in to support him working more. Household chores, childcare, making dinners etc etc

now because of this extra work DH got a SUBSTANTIAL more amount of money in his pay packet, which he says “is for the family”

However, I don’t actually ever SEE any of the money? He will buy me clothes, pay for meals out etc. but I never have been given any finances. I would never ask him to buy me something (DC yes).

because I am part time, my money is much less than before DC - however bills are split fairly!

so I feel put out, he’s working more and reaping the financial rewards. I am working more (childcare,household chores etc) and not seeing any reward except an occasional Nando’s and a pair of pyjamas.

I’ve told him that he should really appreciate how much him working more has an effect on me, but he just laughs and says DC are in bed so no issues.

I am unable to do any overtime in my job so can’t even do that.

id just love an extra £100 to get my nails done or a facial or something to CHOOSE to spend my money on.

AIBU to think that I should be financially rewarded for DH working overtime? - if yes how on EARTH do I approach this convo.

So he's to work overtime for you to get money to do your nails?

The issue is not the overtime, it’s the fact you don’t have any access to this “family money”. So that’s the conversation you need to have - complete transparency of family money that you both have access to

Btw, I think he’s taking the piss taking overtime without checking with you 🤷‍♀️

I'd be annoyed unless I could see he was doing something sensible like making overpayment on the mortgage or whatever. Aside from this, I'd never agree to split bills and separate finances anyway. We are very much all in one pot.

If it's really family money then its goes into an account for the family. And the adults decide what to do with it.

He is not acting like its family money. It's his money and he buys you a few things. At least that's how its looks.

We share all our money. There's no his money or my money. It's a pot.

Do you pay into a joint account or something? You say you don’t have access to money but bills are split fairly. So he needs to start adding his overtime into his fair share, so he increases what he pays and you reduce so you get extra spending money that way

I guess you could up your hours and earn more money if you went full time so I don’t see that he should be giving you some of the overtime money in the same way he’s not giving you some of his regular pay as you are splitting the bills. I assume if you’re splitting bills based on income so maybe 70:30 then make sure his overtime is factored in, that way you are seeing some of it as you’d be paying less into the family pot that month. I think that’s much fairer than saying I want £50 out of your overtime earnings. Either that or you just share your earnings and everything goes out of the one account

something to CHOOSE to spend my money on.

It’s not your money though is it, it’s his money. What’s he spending the extra money on if it’s not for family stuff? Do you actually want to do overtime in your own job?

Have you said to him that you want £100 to get your nails done?

As he’s earning more then doesn’t the percentage of bills he change to reflect that? Then you would end up with more of your money left which you could choose what to spend on.

Well when you put it like this it sounds bad

You have a point, you may not see the benefit unless you divorce him. Extra cash into your pension- yes. Money for beauty treatments- nope.

He should pay more towards bills

Overtime and bonuses are shared in our marriage. We have a child. The other parent can’t put in extra effort at work unless someone else, in our case typically a parent, picks up the slack. That means the financial rewards are shared.

So we both put 50% of our wage into our joint account for bills etc.

but the amount was determined based on our monthly take home when I returned from mat leave.

Don’t you just have one pot where both your salaries get paid into? We both have equal access to the money in there.

He is only in a position to earn extra because you are there to provide childcare At no extra cost.
so I think you should definitely see a benefit from the overtime

DP used to keep his weekend overtime money in a separate account just for him, and we split the bills equally like you even though I had to reduce my hours because it was impossible to commute to my job in a FT role around childcare hours, freeing him to start work early and stay late at work earning loads more. I had to wait for him to 'treat' me to hair appointments, clothes etc. Over time I started to earn more when DC got older, but I still hold a bit of resentment over those days. So I understand where you are coming from @WhatsMyUsername89

I'd never agree to separate finances if i were married, and even more so I fwere doing childcare.

as his income has changed then you should re calculate the contributions to the joint account

It needs to all go into a family pot, and everyone has equal access and say over what is spent.

His overtime is meaning you put it longer hours too.

Either that or you both contribute proportionally to what you earn (you said fairly but it sounds like you mean equally?).

Current set up where he is the master of all this extra money is not fair on you at all.

That’s… that’s not what she said.

He’s working overtime and keeping the majority of the money. To facilitate his overtime, she takes on more of the responsibility and work in the home, but gets none of the financial benefit.

@WhatsMyUsername89 this isn’t a fair arrangement. This is the problem with not having joint finances - I know it can work for some families but not if one person takes advantage, and that’s what your DH is doing.

You should hold more than a bit of resentment! I don’t think I could have stayed with someone who felt that was ok.

Hmm. It's tricky.
DH and I never had a joint account. I had a period not working - 7 years - and for many years earnt far, far less.

But, I chose our food, our furniture, the children's clothes, my hair cuts and highlights, my clothes, etc, etc.

I kept the receipts and gave dh the bill on the last Sunday of the month. He wrote me a cheque and never queried a penny.

My worry is that you feel you have no choices.

You're focusing on the overtime money, but in your situation (married, kids) all money should be family money.

Once all essential bills are paid, food, childcare, pensions, regular savings etc, each of you should then have exactly half of whatever's left to do what you want with.