AIBU to think that I should be financially rewarded for DH working overtime?

[WhatsMyUsername89]

Very controversial this and I know I’m going to sound like a spoilt brat.

DH works a well paid job; I work part time (4days hrs compressed into 3, so LONG hours) and the rest of the week is spent with 2year old DC.

We do financially ok, can afford 1 holiday a year.

DH has started doing overtime every Saturday and has started going “on call” of an evening. He doesn’t get called out every evening but when he does he usually is out for a solid 5/6hrs.

So he’s working much more, which means I am also subsequently putting more of a shift in to support him working more. Household chores, childcare, making dinners etc etc

now because of this extra work DH got a SUBSTANTIAL more amount of money in his pay packet, which he says “is for the family”

However, I don’t actually ever SEE any of the money? He will buy me clothes, pay for meals out etc. but I never have been given any finances. I would never ask him to buy me something (DC yes).

because I am part time, my money is much less than before DC - however bills are split fairly!

so I feel put out, he’s working more and reaping the financial rewards. I am working more (childcare,household chores etc) and not seeing any reward except an occasional Nando’s and a pair of pyjamas.

I’ve told him that he should really appreciate how much him working more has an effect on me, but he just laughs and says DC are in bed so no issues.

I am unable to do any overtime in my job so can’t even do that.

id just love an extra £100 to get my nails done or a facial or something to CHOOSE to spend my money on.

AIBU to think that I should be financially rewarded for DH working overtime? - if yes how on EARTH do I approach this convo.

@WhatsMyUsername89 He will buy me clothes, pay for meals out etc. but I never have been given any finances.

I think it's beyond ridiculous that you don't have access to money that you can decide what to do with. He wouldn't be able to work overtime if you weren't minding your child!

My DO works at least 10-15 hours overtime a week. To make it fair to us both we agreed he keep half and the other half goes into the family pot which works well for us

This is financial abuse.

He should contribute more to the joint account/bills as he earns more.

You need to have a serious talk about the divide of finances. I'm not sure why a PP was aghast at the thought of him doing overtime so you can get your nails done... whyever not!? It's clear the extra money isn't funding a better lifestyle for you as things stand.

All in all - finances between couples can take many forms but both should be happy with the set up. A joint account in which everyone's salary goes into would be my undoing but it works for some. In any event - don't allow him to keep fobbing you off, bring it up at each and every plausible occassion.

It’s not financial abuse to not give your partner £100 to fritter away on getting their bloody nails done.

OP states they each pay 50% of their respective earnings into the joint pot. His wage is higher, so his 50% is more than OP’s 50%. Or should he pay more bills and hand out money for manicures, too?

He does. But it would be nice if he contributed some of his overtime too

He should adequately compensate her for the extra work she’s doing in the home to facilitate his overtime. Otherwise he’s taking financial advantage of her.

The best way would be to readjust their contributions so his overtime is taken into account as part of his salary, which would mean her extra work around the house is compensated. And if she wants to fritter the money on whatever she chooses, that’s fair enough.

OP you will notice his whole 50% thing doesn't go both ways

So you pay 50% of your respective wages which means you pay less because you are paid less, in part because you work less which financially benefits both of you through lower household bills

Now it's fairly clear that you do more than 50% of the parenting and housework, because you are around more. But it sounds like your DH is opting out of a fair amount of his 50% of available time (overtime not included) so that he can earn more money for himself.

So when it benefits the household and its your labour its 50% of whats available. But when it would benefit the household and be 50% of his labour, suddenly he doesn't give a shit about the 50% split

I'm very bored of men who only care about what's "fair" when it comes to money, but not time and labour.

Ok appreciate it would be good to explain better.

both myself & DH get our wages into our personal account.
we both put 50% into joint account for household bills, food shops, childcare fees.

then out of our personal account comes our personal expenses, such as phone bills, gym memberships etc.

Weve never wanted to wholly use a joint account for everything, however I understand peoples reasoning for why it may work.

I do agree with idea of me putting less in the joint account and DH putting more, especially these months when he does OT!

Just to confirm, I don’t think my DH is cheating on me… nor do I think this is financial abuse in any way.

Yeah. The hallmark of family money is that you have equal access to it. It's not family money if he is the gatekeeper.

I'd start there with the conversation.

You pay 50% but you do more than 50% of the childcare which means your DH can work more. That's why the 50% doesn't work. You don't have to have a joint account. DH and I just work out bills, saving, pensions etc, including phone bills and all that. Then we look at what's left over for fun and split it in half for personal accounts. That way everyone's work and contribution is equal.

He spends his on beer and video games like a teenager. I save mine for fantastic travel adventures, like a grown up. We're both happy.

Gyms and phone BTW are treated as family, not personal, expenses in our system. You need phones for children and you need the gym (or similar) for wellness.

Do other posters not realise that for your dh to do overtime the OP has to always look after their child. And the OP does more of the household jobs.
When does the husband look after their child.

Putting 50% in each doesn’t work if you have grossly unequal leftover spending money.

We only put in what we need and a bit more to a joint account every month. DH earns a bit more than me. But the difference is, he knows that and while the money might not technically be in the joint account, he will always pay more for holidays and big ticket items if there’s more in his account than mine.

You don’t have the joint account everything but you need to be putting in similar percentages and having roughly equal spending money.

So don't put it like that.

I think pp are missing the point?

Do you split bills proportionately?

So now he's earning more the proportion hasn't changed?

So he's got all this extra money which you are working extra at home to facilitate?

And he throws you a bone of the odd Nando's to keep you sweet?

Would that be right?

I agree with this 100%.

He us obviously doesn’t see your extra work as a contribution to the family’s welfare. He doesn’t see that without you he wouldn’t be able to do over time and that he would be paying far more in nursery fees… alone.

Because that is the other thing, if you are saving him some money in nursery fees how come you are now the poor partner in the family, with no money for simple stuff?

Go back to work full time, you and your kids will be much better off If you do.

Tell him to pay for a babysitter as you're not available to do childcare during his overtime.

Nah it's family money. If he wants to keep it all to himself he can start paying for a babysitter when he works so he's not relying on the OP's availability.

You need a joint account not his and hers.

I think you should op. My husband gets a very healthy bonus every March and gives me a generous percentage. Without my support & me taking on the bulk of the childcare and household responsibilities, he wouldn't be in the position he is now. He fully appreciates that and hands it over gladly.

I absolutely see your point! Yeah i think that is fair.

You are supporting him so he can have career progression and opportunities, meanwhile you just get more drudgery without any financial reward.

I think you're really on to something.

Could he pay more into your pension pot too?

I am firmly on your side and I am working from the perspective of the person who on occasion gets to do overtime.

On occasion, I get the chance to do OT on a Sunday. The deal is that we BOTH facilitate this by, firstly, me actually working the OT but, secondly and just as importantly, DH picking up the child/household slack that day. We both think this is a good deal and see the OT pay as ours. We've just booked a holiday with our OT money from January. Even my kids know that the upside to me working on Sundays is that they get extra ice creams on holiday. We all benefit. Like you, my husband doesn't get the opportunity to work OT but if he did he'd have the same attitude as me.

I have just secured a much higher paying job and will overtake my husband's salary. He will now do more of the school runs. We are both excited about how this joint good fortune can benefit us all- I couldn't be doing it without his support and want us all to share it.

So what is happening with the extra money going into the joint.

his 50% ends up being more with the overtime so there should be ‘extra’ than if he didn’t work overtime, right?

In other words …

Pre overtime-
Take home
Him 100 You 90
50% to the joint => him 10 you 9 … total 19

With OT
Take home
Him 120 You 90
50% to the joint => him 12 you 9 … total 21

Or are you saying he’s keeping all of the OT?

Oh shit… just realized I used 10% instead of 50…well you get the idea

Just pool all the money. You're living like a couple of students.

DH and I have always had separate current accounts, I used to earn a lot more than him now he earns a lot more than me. We have direct debits coming out of our respective accounts and I have a lot more than him for historical reasons bur every month he keeps back what he needs for his own bills and some spending money then he transfers the rest to me. I pay down the credit card, keep back some if I’m short for the month and/or put the rest in our savings accounts. I really don’t understand how this “50% of bills” stuff is supposed to work.