AIBU to think that I should be financially rewarded for DH working overtime?

[WhatsMyUsername89]

Very controversial this and I know I’m going to sound like a spoilt brat.

DH works a well paid job; I work part time (4days hrs compressed into 3, so LONG hours) and the rest of the week is spent with 2year old DC.

We do financially ok, can afford 1 holiday a year.

DH has started doing overtime every Saturday and has started going “on call” of an evening. He doesn’t get called out every evening but when he does he usually is out for a solid 5/6hrs.

So he’s working much more, which means I am also subsequently putting more of a shift in to support him working more. Household chores, childcare, making dinners etc etc

now because of this extra work DH got a SUBSTANTIAL more amount of money in his pay packet, which he says “is for the family”

However, I don’t actually ever SEE any of the money? He will buy me clothes, pay for meals out etc. but I never have been given any finances. I would never ask him to buy me something (DC yes).

because I am part time, my money is much less than before DC - however bills are split fairly!

so I feel put out, he’s working more and reaping the financial rewards. I am working more (childcare,household chores etc) and not seeing any reward except an occasional Nando’s and a pair of pyjamas.

I’ve told him that he should really appreciate how much him working more has an effect on me, but he just laughs and says DC are in bed so no issues.

I am unable to do any overtime in my job so can’t even do that.

id just love an extra £100 to get my nails done or a facial or something to CHOOSE to spend my money on.

AIBU to think that I should be financially rewarded for DH working overtime? - if yes how on EARTH do I approach this convo.

i wouldn't be keen on keeping receipts for my stuff, either.

So. In our house we make sure that we both have the same discretional spending money. We put into the joint house expenses account and joint savings account according to a proportional split on income. After bills are paid we both have of our own personal accounts and get the equal same amount in those to spend as we see fit. All child related costs (childcare, clothes etc) comes out of joint bills account. If DH wants to spend his discretionary spending on getting manicures he's free to do so and I can spend mine on expensive tech ..

You are a family so all income should go into a joint bank account to be spent or saved according to decisions made by both of you - that’s the only fair way to deal with family finances surely. Approach everything as a team.

You need to tell him pretty much what you've said here. That him working extra is causing you more work and at the moment it doesn't feel worth it because you're in the same financial position as before. I certainly wouldn't go down the route of asking him for a set amount for a specific thing or letting him treat you when he feels like it. You're not a child, you're his equal partner and should have independence with what you spend. Given your finances are pretty much separate, I think I'd be suggesting his extra earnings were split three ways, a third each and a third to save for family things.

YANBU

When my FH works overtime he buys me Dior cosmetics/fragrances and nice holidays.
And yes, that's fair because I also have a career and his overtime means I have less spare time for myself as we both work 50/60 hour weeks and have five DC.

I strongly believe that in a marriage with children all money should be shared - this can take different forms but ultimately you should both have access to the exact same amount of money for yourselves. However, if you don’t think that would work for you then he should be upping his 50% to reflect what you have actually agreed (a 50% contribution). How does he not understand that?

I will never understand how people can share a child, but not money. One pot. Why do it any other way?

I agree with this.

You should both be left with equal spends. The best way to do that would be to both have your wages paid into a joint account, then transfer out an agreed amount for personal spends each.

He should want you to both have equal money, not have loads for himself and then give you the occasional treat - he's not your Dad!

I have this discussion with my DH as he doesn’t really understand that him doing more work leaves me picking up the slack at home. It evened out though as when I got a big back pay from work I used the money for me and what i chose for the family without feeling bad.

It’s only ‘his’ money because she’s making it possible to earn it though. Jesus this attitude is incredible.

Any extra money we earn goes into the pot which means we both have more disposable.

We have the ‘equal surplus’ model like lots of mumsnetters and I don’t see how anything else is reasonable to be honest.

We have a joint account for bills but maintain personal accounts and have around £400 each to do whatever we want.

It’s not bad, do not accept the ludicrous framing of this person’s comment.

I literally stated a fact and then asked 2 questions to establish more facts. I hardly think it’s incredible, but thanks!

The money should be family money, crucially with FAMILY access. Otherwise, you are just enabling him to line his own pocket while he swans off working. Ignore people saying it's his money, if that's the case tell him HE needs to pay for childcare while earning it so you can go and get extra hours to line your pocket. He's selfish.

Are you even sure he's working? Sounds like affairing. You don't have access to his money, he is in a job where it's possible to work late and weekend, change in routine..
Some cheaters start a new routine of genuinely working weekends but then one weekend a month would be affairing.
It sounds sus.

No I don’t think this

I'm in a similar situation and i definitely 'pay myself' or treat myself on a regular basis for working so hard. I tell my dh I wouldn't be able to do so much thereby subsidising his workaholism time wise if it wasn't for the treats! I occasionally get a side eye when a parcel turns up but think he gets it. Also I have full access to, and know where, all the family money is going. It works for us.

Sure he's working and not seeing someone?

DH and I are a partnership. You and your DH are not. He doesn't seem to want to change that but you can.

You’re going to get mixed opinions with this one. I would never pool money. We do have a joint account for bills and savings but also have individual bank accounts and savings. If I work overtime, the extra money is mine. I’m the one who went to work for it. Same for dps overtime. 5-6 hours in the evenings is a lot - is that a call out? Are you sure he's definitely working?

No

He's buying his freedom to work when he wants and to keep the wages for that work to himself by exploiting the OPs labour in the home

Meanwhile she's saving them 2 days a week childcare fees

So out of the two there's only one using the other and it's definitely not the OP doing the using

What's more he is disrespecting the fact that her labour allows him the freedom to do this.

How do you split bills. You say fairly but don’t explain

But it's not split fairly as you earn very differently. Your contribution to family money should be less surely, when he has more and can give more? That way you have more of your own money to spend as you wish, hair, nails etc.

If 50% of your income goes into shared bills, what do you do with the other 50%, can you not get nails done from that?

She does.