AIBU to think that I should be financially rewarded for DH working overtime?

[WhatsMyUsername89]

Very controversial this and I know I’m going to sound like a spoilt brat.

DH works a well paid job; I work part time (4days hrs compressed into 3, so LONG hours) and the rest of the week is spent with 2year old DC.

We do financially ok, can afford 1 holiday a year.

DH has started doing overtime every Saturday and has started going “on call” of an evening. He doesn’t get called out every evening but when he does he usually is out for a solid 5/6hrs.

So he’s working much more, which means I am also subsequently putting more of a shift in to support him working more. Household chores, childcare, making dinners etc etc

now because of this extra work DH got a SUBSTANTIAL more amount of money in his pay packet, which he says “is for the family”

However, I don’t actually ever SEE any of the money? He will buy me clothes, pay for meals out etc. but I never have been given any finances. I would never ask him to buy me something (DC yes).

because I am part time, my money is much less than before DC - however bills are split fairly!

so I feel put out, he’s working more and reaping the financial rewards. I am working more (childcare,household chores etc) and not seeing any reward except an occasional Nando’s and a pair of pyjamas.

I’ve told him that he should really appreciate how much him working more has an effect on me, but he just laughs and says DC are in bed so no issues.

I am unable to do any overtime in my job so can’t even do that.

id just love an extra £100 to get my nails done or a facial or something to CHOOSE to spend my money on.

AIBU to think that I should be financially rewarded for DH working overtime? - if yes how on EARTH do I approach this convo.

Yeah I think a husband and wife should have the same standard of living. It's when there's a disparity that resentment arises.

DH out earns me several times over. We have always had a joint account and salaries are paid in there, so we have never had this type of problem.

Agree, should be joint money in one account. You pick up the extra work at home that allows him to work the extra hours, without you he couldn’t do it.

This^
When DH’s salary increased we both felt the difference.

I get where you’re coming from OP. The overtime money should be benefitted from by you both. If you were saving for an extension or holiday or something for the family, fine. If he’s using it to spend on his hobby or as fun money, then he should be sharing it with you IMO. You should both have an equal say over what it gets spent on because without you doing the childcare while he was working, he wouldn’t be able to earn it anyway.

It doesn't sound bad OP. There's more family money coming in (which you are both contributing to the earning of) so there's more family money for treats. If he sees it only as HIS money to dictate how it is spent then he's taking the piss.

He should pay more bills. And certainly shouldn't be 'handing' anything out. OP should have equal and fair access to the money.

Arghhhh!

Why oh why are women splitting the bills 50/50 with men after giving them babies and giving up all or some work (and promotions and pay rises) to so do and doing all the labour so they can earn even more. Some practically even paying or going into "debt" with their DHs to go on maternity leave.

I think you explain to a good friend how you’re feeling a bit taken advantage of and ask if you can impose on them a bit for a month. Then you go out to theirs every weekend, and Dh can pay a babysitter or not work overtime. Your time isn’t free, and he’s not actually benefiting the family if he contributes no extra.

is your end goal more sharing of finances or just recalculating his 50%? While pointing out firmly that you are enabling every extra penny he earns, and if he disagrees you will judt go back to hanging out with your friend instead of being the responsible parent stuck at home.

This. Your situation is weird OP, and if you want your DH to pay you I think that means you're a main or a prostitute

This was basically what I did for my DH. I was available for all household/childcare stuff and he worked loads of OT. However, we were a one pot family, so i have always had full access to all the money he earns. He’s well aware that he wasn’t making all that extra if I wasn’t doing everything else. There’s no way I’d have been so accommodating if he was being a CF with the money.

This is why we’ve always done a joint account with both salaries paid in entirely. From there we work out where it needs to go. That’s allowed for both of us to take breaks at various points to pursue riskier career moves which ultimately paid off. If you don’t feel like he’s being a team player re the overtime, don’t be shamed out of raising it. Marriage is supposed to be a merging of 2 lives. One of you holding one hand behind your back isn’t right

Your bills are not split fairly are they? They are split equally which is unfair if you are working compressed hours to look after DC and house.

All the money should be both of yours

Thomas for the family holiday once a year or large repairs on the house? Him I should think

*who

In my case my husband is irresponsible with money and has a CCJ and forgot to pay a ULEZ charge so has bailiffs after him for that too.

i on the other hand save and keep a good credit score. While he is very generous with his money I would never share a bank account or be financially tied to him in any way. Contrary to popular belief, being married has no effect on your liability for someone else’s debts / fines.

Sharing a bank account most certainly does.

All this

I really don't understand why a woman would choose to have a baby with someone who doesn't share their money. It makes no sense to me at all, money should all be in a joint account if you are meant to be a family

Really???
Why didn’t you have your own bank card for access to the family money?

OP, my main concern here is that your DH chooses to work overtime when it doesn’t seem that it’s financially necessary, and that by doing so he is choosing to spend less time with his child! He is prioritising money over his family. That doesn’t bode well and is pretty poor parenting.

He’s working overtime although they don’t need the money, therefore choosing to spend less time with his child and wife. As he’s working more hours, she is unable to. It’s putting more stress on her but she doesn’t reap any benefits to this extra income.

Start making more plans and tell him to get a babysitter for some of the overtime shifts.

We share all money too. All income into the joint account, we each get £200pm in our own accounts to spend on what we like. Anything left in the joint account goes to joint savings.

When we first moved in together, he earned more and had a company car, I earned less and had to pay for my car. I insisted on paying 50% of the joint bills and costs. I was struggling, he was wasting all his excess money on shite. Then we combined our income and expenses and we've been financially solvent since. It's seen us through his redundancy, my 2x mat leaves.

You say bills are split fairly but do they take into account his overtime pay?

E.g. if you usually earn a third of the money do you pay a third of the bills? And if overtime means you earn a quarter instead do you get to reduce your percentage. Thus is fair.

Agreed.