AIBU to think that I should be financially rewarded for DH working overtime?

[WhatsMyUsername89]

Very controversial this and I know I’m going to sound like a spoilt brat.

DH works a well paid job; I work part time (4days hrs compressed into 3, so LONG hours) and the rest of the week is spent with 2year old DC.

We do financially ok, can afford 1 holiday a year.

DH has started doing overtime every Saturday and has started going “on call” of an evening. He doesn’t get called out every evening but when he does he usually is out for a solid 5/6hrs.

So he’s working much more, which means I am also subsequently putting more of a shift in to support him working more. Household chores, childcare, making dinners etc etc

now because of this extra work DH got a SUBSTANTIAL more amount of money in his pay packet, which he says “is for the family”

However, I don’t actually ever SEE any of the money? He will buy me clothes, pay for meals out etc. but I never have been given any finances. I would never ask him to buy me something (DC yes).

because I am part time, my money is much less than before DC - however bills are split fairly!

so I feel put out, he’s working more and reaping the financial rewards. I am working more (childcare,household chores etc) and not seeing any reward except an occasional Nando’s and a pair of pyjamas.

I’ve told him that he should really appreciate how much him working more has an effect on me, but he just laughs and says DC are in bed so no issues.

I am unable to do any overtime in my job so can’t even do that.

id just love an extra £100 to get my nails done or a facial or something to CHOOSE to spend my money on.

AIBU to think that I should be financially rewarded for DH working overtime? - if yes how on EARTH do I approach this convo.

but the amount was determined based on our monthly take home when I returned from mat leave.

So, if you said to him, ‘you are now earning £x more each month, so you paying £x and me paying £y would be fairer’, what do you think he would say?

The salaries should get paid into one joint account then any personal money gets moved from joint to each respective account if you want to.
He is away a lot and there is no financial transparency. Unless you have a history of gambling or frittering money it's dodgy when you have children together and still dividing money like students, as a pp said. Not pooling money together to me sounds less commited and more secretive. It's also mad that you pay half your wages because you end up with so much less money, why would a normal and nice husband want the mother of his children to be on £300 left for the month for example, while he has, say £1000 left for his own use when you are also left to deal with home and children more so outtings and more bits and bobs will use up your money more by virtue of being the one home when milk runs down or its time to pay for childs shoes or whatever while he is away "working" this mysterious money you know nothing of.
Why would you even accept 50 50 and no joint account. Women accept so little just to be 'feminist' but they end up shafted.

Milk runs out! Hahaha breastfeeding 🤭

So who pays for soft play and trips with dc during the day? Who pays for clothes? Who pays for family birthday presents and school stuff?

Dh has also been doing a lot of overtime and he is rebuilding our savings, but also sends me some extra money each month with the cavet to use it just for me (not the kids!), like yesterday I had my hair and nails done

All our money is joint but we do have our own spending pots

@Soontobe60 what a peculiar comment. I had my own bank card for my own bank account containing plenty of money. I used it as a "float". DH transferred what I spent every month - it wasn't a problem. He paid the: mortgage, the insurances, the cars, the nursery fees, the utilities, etc.

He didn't work overtime, he was a workaholic, he still is. He was out of the house before 7 and home after 9, sometimes 10. Therefore I did everything at home even when I went back to work and as a team we rendered equal time and effort into our family unit and lives. There were and are significant compensations:

We have never argued over money
The house in France
The best schools for the children
Help in the house and garden

Fortunately we have similar attitudes to work and to money. Never in my life have I contemplated or wanted to spend his or mine on fingernails and when the children were tiny such things didn't enter my mind.

Oh and I approached it but actually saying btw you doing overtime is causing me to do overtime.. so shouldn't I get a "pay rise" too 🤷‍♀️

Unilaterally opting out of a family weekend to earn money, leaving your spouse with the kids and housework, and then making sure that only you benefit from is pretty crap. I would hate this.

Calling it “family money” when only one person has access to it and laughing about it is also pretty crap.

DH and I both pay 100% of income I to JA. ALL regular bills go from there including kids/gym/phone/car/holidays.

You agree a monthly “fun spends” figure that you both take out. This way you both have the same fun money.

Anything left after all bills are paid goes to savings/pension.

No resentment, no stress. If jobs change you just toggle the fun money up or down.

I know everyone is different, but this works for us.

@RosesAndHellebores

Never in my life have I contemplated or wanted to spend his or mine on fingernails and when the children were tiny such things didn't enter my mind.

well good for you, you have obviously never felt the joy of a good mani pedi.

So, with the money into our joint account Is savings for birthday gifts. We budget about £20 per person, however if I deemed I wanted to spend more than £20 on my mums birthday for example… I would top this up.

local soft play we have yearly passes for which DH paid for.

Family days out will be paid for by DH, but if I was to take DC out somewhere on my days off I will pay for this.

@WhatsMyUsername89 it did enter that posters mind to put colour in her hair using his and her money so I wouldn't think you've strayed too far from the flock.

I love a good luxury fingernail experience and think of it often despite my small children.

Why on earth doesn’t both your income go into a joint account? If you wanted you could each then cipher off some money each month just for you both to spend how you want.

my partner and I (married) have both our salaries paid into one joint account. Makes for much simpler living.

the only real reason I can see for having split finances is if one you has been burned before or might intend to leave the other.

I work OT and everything I earn goes into our family pot

My OT is on call basis and is expected in my job, DH does the childcare in the evenings/overnight but he also gets the benefit of the extra money/holidays/my grumpiness so yano

All money should go into one pot.

So you don’t split the bills 50/50… you put 50% in the joint account but with all respect I doubt that ACTUALLY covers half the out goings. Be real. Im in the same situation and my partner has been promoted 3X in 12 months on amazing money (had child allowance taken away) however I work 3days and have the duty of the everything else. Im hard done by too but you want yah nails done do them yourself. Single mums can’t afford to put food in their kids mouths… SIT DOWN. I’d never dream of asking my partner for money. Maybe it’s how you are raised. My mum was single no help no maintained and we struggled. I’m glad my kids have water food electric & heating.

If it’s family money it should be in a joint account.

I would just ask him.
We have our own accounts and a joint account for bills. He earns way more than I do as he runs his own business. I do help out with the accounts side of things though. Buys me gifts an he generally pays for the family holiday.
But if I need something I know I can just ask and he will pay for it.

Readjust the 50/50 split. That is fair.
or
Request that he tops up your pension by depositing the same amount into your pension as goes into his when he is doing those overtime jobs that affectively make you the child carer for hours with short notice.

I get what you're saying. But also, it would put me off doing overtime if it meant I just had to pay out more. As the higher earner, I pay enough as it is. Maybe I just want some extra money for me?

I don't have kids though.

All money in joint account
All bills paid
What's left is shared equally
He couldn't do the overtime if you were not looking after the DC
He's not being fair to you at all

No it doesn't. Nails are not my thing but most of us have little luxuries of some sort which we should be able to enjoy occasionally if the overall pot supports it.

What sounds bad is:

now because of this extra work DH got a SUBSTANTIAL more amount of money in his pay packet, which he says “is for the family”

Which is him saying he is in charge and will control the money like a parent dishing out pocket money.

Also this:

he just laughs and says DC are in bed so no issues

Which makes him sound like an arrogant, sexist arse frankly. I would not tolerate this attitude from anyone let alone the person supposed to be my partner.

As soon as you have children, or one partner changes work to facilitate the other, then you need to consider all income joint. You don't need a joint account but you do need equal access/decision making over savings and spending. You both need equal shares of the benefits and the leisure time from the partnership.

You currently have no control over the decision making and feel unable to ask for quite small amounts of discretionary spend so you don't have an equal or fair partnership.

BTW - the low and high earners both putting half their income into the joint pot is not fair. It nearly always favours the higher earner who is left with substantially more discretionary money earned in part due to the efforts of the lower earner.

So where's the extra money? Is it still in his own account? If it's a regular income he should be putting more into the joint account.

Shirley has it right here.

Single mums can’t afford to put food in their kids mouths… SIT DOWN. I’d never dream of asking my partner for money.

I do as a single mum, take him on longhaul holidays often, paid for private school and own my own house.

My only advice having been married to someone who earns 5 times my salary is asking your partner for money if you are doing ANYTHING TO SUPPORT HIS CAREER DEVOLOPMENT OR RAISE HIS CHILDREN or start working full time because if you don’t, you are spoiling him by reassuring him that no matter how much you give, he doesn’t need to give back, which will be disastrous if you have kids: forget about him forking any of his money gladly to pay for his family expenses, be it nursery fees or keep a roof over your head and that of your children if you split.