AIBU to think that I should be financially rewarded for DH working overtime?

[WhatsMyUsername89]

Very controversial this and I know I’m going to sound like a spoilt brat.

DH works a well paid job; I work part time (4days hrs compressed into 3, so LONG hours) and the rest of the week is spent with 2year old DC.

We do financially ok, can afford 1 holiday a year.

DH has started doing overtime every Saturday and has started going “on call” of an evening. He doesn’t get called out every evening but when he does he usually is out for a solid 5/6hrs.

So he’s working much more, which means I am also subsequently putting more of a shift in to support him working more. Household chores, childcare, making dinners etc etc

now because of this extra work DH got a SUBSTANTIAL more amount of money in his pay packet, which he says “is for the family”

However, I don’t actually ever SEE any of the money? He will buy me clothes, pay for meals out etc. but I never have been given any finances. I would never ask him to buy me something (DC yes).

because I am part time, my money is much less than before DC - however bills are split fairly!

so I feel put out, he’s working more and reaping the financial rewards. I am working more (childcare,household chores etc) and not seeing any reward except an occasional Nando’s and a pair of pyjamas.

I’ve told him that he should really appreciate how much him working more has an effect on me, but he just laughs and says DC are in bed so no issues.

I am unable to do any overtime in my job so can’t even do that.

id just love an extra £100 to get my nails done or a facial or something to CHOOSE to spend my money on.

AIBU to think that I should be financially rewarded for DH working overtime? - if yes how on EARTH do I approach this convo.

Your 50/50 bills split is even but not fair. Especially as you are saving the family money by doing childcare.

I would suggest either splitting total bills including stuff your DH currently pays for proportionate to income (so if he earns 3 times more than you he pays 75% of the bills) or so you both have the same money to spend on yourself at the end of the month. Set a monthly budget for kids incidentals that also comes from joint.

If his earnings vary each money either take the lowest and the extra from good months into saving, or take the average and top up low months from higher ones.

If he's resistant to this, it's not a great sign that he values you.

I'm assuming though that you don't rely on someone else's labour (babysitting/household chores) so you can do overtime though?

The reality is that many parents can't take on further paid work because of their unpaid caring responsibilities, which come first.

I repeat on every thread about finances.

All money into joint account.

Same amount each for discretionary spending

Exactly, it's a totally different situation if you aren't reliant on someone else to do something in order to allow you to take the overtime.

I have seen these posts before and the lady always asks the husband money from overtime or whatever for her nails or hairdressing. Is this for real?! The man pays for the majority as it is, takes you out, buys you clothes, why suddenly the nails are an issue?

I never shared bank account with my husband but always have all I need and sometimes this involves very expensive hairdressers or good quality clothes above 100 pounds, do not see how my husband sharing it through more officialised means would already change the fact he pays for everything anyway.

I know how much he earns, how much the outgoings are and we are a very closely knitted unit. I mean, where his own life starts or my one because we are already together, he works when I am home and I do part time with shifts when he can be home.

If we divorced , as the law here is, things would be divided 50/50. Do I want this?! No
I was a home stay for many years , how could I pay for anything. Of course my husband paid it all. I could see with my own eyes everything is provided for, house and car maintained, we had up to three holidays per year, any flimsy garb I liked , had it , though I do like good quality comfortable clothes, not specific fashion looks. Where his own started in these years when I was home and was economically inactive and my one took over, was there a middle in it, a mark or a divide ? - no.

I never understand the people who don't just have joint accounts, controversial I know, but DH and I have always shared money completely.

36 years married and money was never something we've argued over.

At times he's earned more and at times me.

It's all so difficult with, mine and yours IMO!

Absolute rubbish. They have a family, so it's family money, which both adults should have access to. He wouldn't be able to work overtime and earn all this money if he did 50% of the chores and looked after HIS children 50% of the time, would he?

Did your husband discuss with you before he started doing overtime? Or did he just make the decision to do so himself?

Also, is he paying 50% of his overtime money into the joint account?

Both salaries into one account. All bills debit this account as well as joint savings. Then equal discretionary spend for both paid into individual accounts. I roll my eyes when I see all these different ways of calculating household money. It doesn't have to be that hard.
I'm going for a job which could be a £5k salary increase. That extra money goes into the pot and we will recalculate things but if it means more discretionary spend, then that'll be for both of us.

He's only able to do overtime because you are picking up the slack at home. Absolutely it should all be family money. The nails is a red herring. If there's more money coming into the house then there is more to go around.

Totally different situation. He can only work OT because she minds the kids. She's doing over time too but unpaid!

I can never understand why couples with children, especially when married, do not have joint finances. Just put everything in one account and have equal amounts sent to your own accounts as spending money!

If he was paying 50% in to the joint account there wouldn’t be a thread about him not doing so.

Rework your budget.

Kids stuff should come out of the joint money, whoever takes them. They need entertainment/food whoever is looking after them. Annual passes should be included as an annual expense, like MOTs etc.

Presents should probably also come out of this, and I'd set a more realistic budget than £20 per person, but that probably depends on what people tend to expect from you.

If DH is now earning more, he puts more in.

That should free up some of "your" money to be able to do things like getting your nails done. That's a fair ask - it'd only be odd if it wasn't something you wanted to do enough to spend your money on it, but wanted to spend DHs.

Your budget is outdated.

You need full transparency on finance because you and your kid's quality of lives are suffering as a result of all of the family money not being available to you. I also think you've made a rod for your own back not having a joint account.

How much do you estimate he's got squirrelled away in his personal account? Why not ask him what he's doing with it? I would be suspicious he's got that money tucked away.

Did you meant to sound so superior? If you can afford a house in France and private schools then I'm sure that you can afford something that's just a luxury for you. I really don't believe that you wore rags when your kids were small.

That's not what the thread is about, though. Even if he is paying it into the joint account, she's not getting any extra in her personal account, which is presumably what she uses to pay for things like manicures. She clearly states they each have a personal account which their wages are paid into, and a joint account which they each pay 50% of their wages into.

@fatbelliedgirls perhaps not "rags" but there were times when leggings wore thin at the knees, jumpers became shabby, and when I was pg with dd, I had holes in my shoes. More than once DH said "can you buy yourself some new kit - I'll leave some money out" in the days when we all used actual money!

A manicure to me is using an emery board and handcream. A treat is a new bottle of nail polish for less than a tenner.

As I said, if you can afford a house in France and private can afford decent clothes. Being a martyr isn't pleasant for anyone.

*private schools

My DH does a lot of overtime, he typically earns an extra £12k a year as a result after tax. It all goes into one pot. I also work full time and earn bonus but no overtime. We both spend as we please (within reason obviously). If either of us wanted to make a big purchase then we would discuss it and work out the affordability together. I think in your case you should be paying less of the bills given you're on less hours and shouldering the lions share of the childcare and household chores. I think that's the discussion you need to have.

If you don't want to pool all money and split what's left over after the bills are paid. Then either 50% of the over time is yours or he outsources and pays for childcare so his decisions don't impact you. I suspect after seeing the childcare prices, especially on call/overnights if that's what he is doing he will see sense.

Yes but he’s keeping the overtime money for himself though and just buying her occasional gifts though, that’s what she’s said. If he was putting it into the joint account she could use/take it from there and that would be fine, but that’s not the case.

You need to recalculate the amounts that go into the joint account. We've done a few different versions, but basically proportional works best I think. So whichever of us earns more at the time contributes a higher amount. That leaves you both with similar amounts of personal money, but the higher earner with slightly more. If it's hard to calculate monthly by month, he should send it all to the joint account and then take his own money out.

I would hate having only a joint account as I would feel guilty for buying unnecessary things out of family money.

I think you're both missing the point