AIBU to think that I should be financially rewarded for DH working overtime?

[WhatsMyUsername89]

Very controversial this and I know I’m going to sound like a spoilt brat.

DH works a well paid job; I work part time (4days hrs compressed into 3, so LONG hours) and the rest of the week is spent with 2year old DC.

We do financially ok, can afford 1 holiday a year.

DH has started doing overtime every Saturday and has started going “on call” of an evening. He doesn’t get called out every evening but when he does he usually is out for a solid 5/6hrs.

So he’s working much more, which means I am also subsequently putting more of a shift in to support him working more. Household chores, childcare, making dinners etc etc

now because of this extra work DH got a SUBSTANTIAL more amount of money in his pay packet, which he says “is for the family”

However, I don’t actually ever SEE any of the money? He will buy me clothes, pay for meals out etc. but I never have been given any finances. I would never ask him to buy me something (DC yes).

because I am part time, my money is much less than before DC - however bills are split fairly!

so I feel put out, he’s working more and reaping the financial rewards. I am working more (childcare,household chores etc) and not seeing any reward except an occasional Nando’s and a pair of pyjamas.

I’ve told him that he should really appreciate how much him working more has an effect on me, but he just laughs and says DC are in bed so no issues.

I am unable to do any overtime in my job so can’t even do that.

id just love an extra £100 to get my nails done or a facial or something to CHOOSE to spend my money on.

AIBU to think that I should be financially rewarded for DH working overtime? - if yes how on EARTH do I approach this convo.

I know you've said no joint account and nothing else and I completely get this.

When I was in a similar position to you (me PT, him FT + OT) we happened to move our accounts so we had one joint account. Everything went in and out of one account, partly because when I was at home with 2 young DCs and wanted to do something fun, I had to ask him for money and we both hated that.

It's easier now because we are on broadly similar salaries - his take home is slightly more because I use salary sacrifice to save tax/NI and have student loan deductions. We both work long hours but no OT. We have one joint account, everything goes in and comes out of there. I get my nails done every 3 weeks, he has all the sports on our TV package and a subscription for the PlayStation. Nobody complains or feels guilty. The only time it's a pain is around birthdays or Christmas when it's a lot of "don't look at the bank account".

It isn't for everyone, but honestly it works for us. No my money vs your money, just household income.

This is a very good point.

BooBooDoodle, does it not upset you that you don't want to be floated by your DH, but he's happy to be massively floated by you?

If my DH took on all the childcare and most of the housework and that meant I could earn much more, I'd want to share the benefits of that with him. I wouldn't consider it floating, just being a partnership.

I stopped reading after this: "He will buy me clothes, pay for meals out etc." YABU

I totally understand your thinking, our situation is this. Both DH and I used to earn similar salaries, we both contributed 50/50 to the house pot. He now earns 5X my wage due to me initially reducing my work to school hours tto and more recently down to a meagre 17 hours per week over 3 days (a decision made by both of us).
I now do 99% of the house admin, cooking, cleaning, garden, infact I completely run our house. Which works for us. I think I must like the control. I do all the decorating too and he just lets me have free rein on this too. When our DC were younger (adults now) I did all of the childcare, my job always took the children into consideration.
Anyhow getting to the point I was trying to make. Since my reduced wage/hours I pay about 25% for the bills and my DH now picks up the rest. He also tends to pay for holidays and cars.
I hope you successfully raise it with him and decide on a more equal joint finances set up 🤞🏻

I do all the decorating too and he just lets me have free rein on this too.

Will you come and do mine 🤣.

He should pay all the bills
and your money from your part time job should be for you to decide what to do with.

"DH has started doing overtime every Saturday and has started going “on call” of an evening. He doesn’t get called out every evening but when he does he usually is out for a solid 5/6hrs.

However, I don’t actually ever SEE any of the money?"

Need I say more?

If youre married youre a team.
He wouldn't be able to do the overtime unless you were there for childcare and to pick up slack round the house.
In effect you are doing overtime too as household load and childcare isn't split equally .
Both mine and DHs salary is paid into our joint current account. Everything is pooled, all bills , expenses, holidays, everything comes out of this account. Have joint savings account too.
If you don't want to do this then you both need to pay the same percentage of your take home pay into joint account.
You should have an equal amount of money to spend on yourselves and make joint decisions about all expenditure., you should both have equal access to all household income.

So you pay less towards the bills when he earns more. That way you’ll have more spare money for yourself

I agree with others- the issue is not just overtime its the fact that all of his salary is still in a separate account. There are different ways of managing it but you should both have equal access to shared money and it sounds like you don't. The fact that you are at home looking after the kids is enabling him to go out and do all this overtime so of course there should be mutual benefit from that. Having said that, if you also would prefer he didn't do the overtime and spent Saturday with you and the kids you have every right to ask that of him too! I think you need a really good chat about it

We've had times with only one of us was working due to study or childcare. We put all our money into one bank account. There is no his money and my money. Even my inheritance went into the pot. You then both take money from that pot for everything. We go out for meals but it doesn't actually matter who pays. We also have a joint credit card account. We do consult each other on larger purchases but otherwise the money is ours to buy stuff with.

because I am part time, my money is much less than before DC - however bills are split fairly!

This is how you open the conversation. Tell him, since you're doing more graft and he's reaping the financial rewards. You'll be paying in, from now on proportional to your income.

This needs talking about. If you present it like that, he can't just brush you off.

Yanbu. You should have a say in how the money is used or saved. You're right that whilst he is working overtime you're doing chores or other things he can't be doing.

100% of BOTH your money should be going into the family account - this is what a FAMILY means! I would be mortified if I had to ask for money from my husband, what kind of marriage do you have. Sorry I have never understood marriages with separate accounts - access for both partners. Worked for us for the last 50 years!

Gosh … it is worth looking into

This is exactly how we are - I find it fair and finances aren’t kept from the children either as I feel they would be if we have separate pots …

What the fk is your problem? Saying how I see it like everyone else! It's called an opinion.

He should take over the main household bills.

It always baffles me when marriages don't just share all money equally, use how each of you wish.

When i first met my now dh And discussed moving in, i was a LP. I explained I'd lose like tax credits etc, worked pt with dc etc.
He said from the off that it wouldn't be an issue.
He moved in. Told me my earnings were to use as i used to with dc. And his went to a joint account for all of us.
Even if that meant paying for my dc things.
6m later i gave up work for various reasons.

To this day 3 kids on. I have never ever had to ask for anything. And its not like we have lots of money by any stretch of the imagination.

My parents and his are the same.

I do also have my original bank account which things like cms for eldest and child benefit go in.
We now own a business and both earnings go into joint account. And continue to spend as we need.

Surely you should pay into bills proportionally in comparison to what you earn? That allows you both to save for treats. Or do what my husband and I do - we put all of our money into the same bank account. It’s both of our money. When we first started this, my husband earned more, then I earned a lot more (but couldn’t have done the job without him supporting with childcare etc) and now we are closer in salary. Still the same. We both contribute and both share everything. It’s a partnership.

£100 for nails?!

He works from home so does all of the school runs, he will do the odd wash load during the day and he will head out on his dinner to get shopping if we need anything. We are a team and work together. Any bonuses he gets from work or overtime he puts into the joint account so we can all benefit as a family. I increase my contribution whenever I get a pay rise. Our kids are 9 and 13 so not a huge amount of childcare as they either go to football with their dad twice a week or they are out locally playing with friends most nights. DH cooks tea, I clean up afterwards. It works really well for us as a family.

Any bonuses he gets from work or overtime he puts into the joint account so we can all benefit as a family.

Oh, so you are literally not in the same position as the OP, quite the opposite in fact, but still here to try to make her feel bad for wanting to be in the same position as you?

Wow, thats one way to do things I guess

That’s a mean comment. I think we can all see where she’s coming from and no, it’s not an unreasonable expectation.

Then that amount must have increased and you should have access to the overflow. Don't think it's very nice that he poo pooed it though.