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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not allowing ex to take 1 year old to America

237 replies

MissNP196 · 12/02/2024 09:26

I have an 18 month old who my ex only started consistently having in November (he has her every Saturday, no overnight stay) which has been going well.

A few days ago, he suddenly announced that he would like to take her to America in April to celebrate his grandparents birthday. I said that as nice as it would be for her to meet her great grandparents, the trip is far too much, too soon, as she is only 1 and has never even spent a night with him. I feel this holiday would be extremely unsettling for her as she would be in an unfamiliar environment with unfamiliar people, without her mum.

Was my response unreasonable? Ex has responded angrily saying her will seek permission from court. Does anyone with experience of this know if this would likely be approved?

OP posts:
Selttan · 12/02/2024 09:31

YANBU he is in no way prepared to travel with a toddler if he's only around him 1 day a week and I imagine would be very unsettling for your child to be away from you for that long.

DamnUserName21 · 12/02/2024 09:33

I get what you are saying, OP. However, I do feel you should consider it. But first he needs to start having her overnight and build up to it.

There will be times when you will take DD abroad. You have 17 years (or longer) with this man in your life. Start as you mean to go on, OP.

CadyEastman · 12/02/2024 09:35

Why has he only been having contact since November? Where was he before that?

Original poster
MissNP196 · 12/02/2024 09:37

CadyEastman · 12/02/2024 09:35

Why has he only been having contact since November? Where was he before that?

He was around but contact was very inconsistent. Months would go by and he wouldn't see her

OP posts:
Original poster
MissNP196 · 12/02/2024 09:38

He also "can't afford" child maintenance but has the money for a trip to the US!

OP posts:
underneaththeash · 12/02/2024 09:38

DamnUserName21 · 12/02/2024 09:33

I get what you are saying, OP. However, I do feel you should consider it. But first he needs to start having her overnight and build up to it.

There will be times when you will take DD abroad. You have 17 years (or longer) with this man in your life. Start as you mean to go on, OP.

How can they build up to it gradually in two months?

OP - I’d send him an email to say that it’s just a no for now as he’s not even had an overnight yet and it would not be in her best interests.
Offer an overnight.

cordeliachaseatemyhandbag · 12/02/2024 09:39

When hell freezes over.

DamnUserName21 · 12/02/2024 09:41

underneaththeash · 12/02/2024 09:38

How can they build up to it gradually in two months?

OP - I’d send him an email to say that it’s just a no for now as he’s not even had an overnight yet and it would not be in her best interests.
Offer an overnight.

Show quote history

Overnight at weekends. Granted it's tight but not impossible.

MixingPlaydough · 12/02/2024 09:41

Absolutely no way should she be going it's not in her best interests at all!

Princessbananahamock · 12/02/2024 09:44

Omg he is threatening court lol. Get a claim in with CMS today , he sounds like a grade a twat.

CadyEastman · 12/02/2024 09:44

If he can't afford Child Maintenance have you gone through CMS? I'd be doing that today of you haven't.

Does DD have a passport and is he an American Citizen?

wombat15 · 12/02/2024 09:45

I agree it will be very unsettling for her at the moment. How could it possibly be in her best interests? If he can't afford maintenance how will he be able to take you to court? I would just refuse.

MumMumMumMumMumMumMum · 12/02/2024 09:45

No way on earth I would let this happen. She's far too young and spent far too little time with him.

DamnUserName21 · 12/02/2024 09:46

MissNP196 · 12/02/2024 09:38

He also "can't afford" child maintenance but has the money for a trip to the US!

Your updates are changing my mind...he needs to provide for his daughter in a long term and meaningful way before becoming Disney dad. However, it may be a 'carrot' for him to step up.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 12/02/2024 09:46

CMS

Apply for a passport so he can't

Send a plan in writing that he starts by building up to overnights consistently over the next six months, so that by this time next year he can do both weekend overnights and say that you will happily review the position on travel at that point, ie after successful, consistent contact for a year.

The court will be on your side and this is an empty threat.

CadyEastman · 12/02/2024 09:47

And if he is threatening Court, have you got a Child Arrangements Order in place already? I'd want one so that the Police will intervene if he decides to not return her after having her for the day.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 12/02/2024 09:47

A one year old doesn't need to 'celebrate' the birthdays of people they've never met either so don't fall for the emotional nonsense either.

MariaVT65 · 12/02/2024 09:48

YANBU

Especially as he’s never had her overnight. I wouldn’t trust that he can take care of her properly.

Also yes, go to court to get your payments.

If DD has a passport, please hide it.

MCOut · 12/02/2024 09:49

LOL YANBU. She is 1. She can go when she’s older. You both need to agree so I don’t think the court would be on his side.

Original poster
MissNP196 · 12/02/2024 09:49

I have a passport for her (kept at my parents house) as I took her on holiday last year. He's using this as an argument as to why he should be allowed to take her on holiday.

Can I just say no? Will court force me to release the passport?

OP posts:
Itslegitimatesalvage · 12/02/2024 09:49

He doesn’t get to decide if he can afford child maintenance. Call CMS and open a case? Why haven’t you?

Homesweethome23 · 12/02/2024 09:50

It will be very unlikely for a court to let him take her. She is still very young and has had no overnight visits with him yet. From personal experience the courts will want him to build a relationship first with the child before taking her abroad, he can not do all of that in 2 months. How things currently are he would be lucky to get a court date within 2 months.

cakeytime · 12/02/2024 09:50

Say no but get it all in writing including that for most of dc life he hasn’t wanted to see her.Send him an email.

Offer to build up contact including overnight stays and insist on a child maintenance plan.

Contact CMS yourself.

But it’s too soon for April. Allow 6 months regular overnight stays and ensure dc is settled and ok with it before even considering a trip abroad.

He’s probably known about this trip since November. Too little, too soon. His own fault.

MariaVT65 · 12/02/2024 09:52

I BELIEVE there has to be permission from both parents for a child to be taken abroad.

MixingPlaydough · 12/02/2024 09:52

Court wouldn't say he can take her. He pays no maintenance, hasn't had her for even a full 24 hours and has only been having sporadic contact which started recently.