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AIBU?

To be hurt about DH and mothers day

303 replies

Dayzychains · 12/02/2024 06:11

Long time lurker. First time poster.

I am mum to a 3 month old baby and I lost my own mum 2 months ago. A couple of days ago, my husband asked me about how I felt about mothers day, and would I be up for a meal with his mum.

I have a lovely relationship with my MIL. She is wonderful and a lovely grandma to our baby. However, I really don't feel up to going out for a meal to celebrate mothers day, given how raw my loss currently feels.

I said I doubted I would be up for it and I became quite tearful. My husband apologised for bringing it up but said he felt it would be better for me to come out rather than sit home alone with the baby, as he feels its important I celebrate my first mothers day, however I feel more like a bereaved daughter than I do a new mum.

I'm a little hurt that he hasn't considered possibly just seeing his mum, giving her a present and maybe taking her out for a meal.another day - SIL could still take MIL out on the day itself. I'm still very traumatised by my mums death, however I realise my feelings may be unreasonable as I'm not his mum and his mum does deserve to be spoiled on MD. I've not said anything and have said I'm more than happy for him to take his lovely mum out, as I do feel that my feelings may be irrational.

What would you expect your husband to do in this case?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

1000 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
47%
You are NOT being unreasonable
53%
boomingaround · 12/02/2024 06:15

I think your feelings are entirely reasonable and I can totally understand you not wanting to celebrate it. However I don't think your husband has done anything wrong either - he seems to have raised it gently as an option with you. The only thing he could have done differently is to have assumed you didn't want to do anything at all because of your recent loss and not raised it with you but I suppose he isn't a mind reader.

I think you just have to tell him what you have told us- that you need support on MD and would like him to take his mum out another day. I'm sure his own mother would completely understand that. Be gentle with yourself and with him- your loss is so recent and so huge. Sending you so much love and hugs. Cuddle that tiny baby close.

HenndigoOZ · 12/02/2024 06:18

I am sorry for your loss OP x

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 12/02/2024 06:19

Everything you're feeling is very understandable. Emotions generally arent wrong or right, you feel what you feel. I think you've done the right thing saying he should see his mum, but I think it's understandable to feel hurt. A lot of the time there's not a wrong or right answer. If he wants to spend the day with his mum, that's not unreasonable but neither is your need for support at such a hard and painful time for you. I'm sorry for your loss.

I've been trying to work out how I'd feel in your MILs shoes. Ultimately I might feel a bit sad or hurt, but I'd probably be the first to suggest moving it in this situation. It's ok if you need him there that day, but its also not unreasonable if he feels its really important to spend some of the day with his Mum.

SheerLucks · 12/02/2024 06:20

I'm so sorry you've lost your mum, but your DH has done nothing wrong and should be allowed to take his mum out ion Mothers Day if he wishes, but you don't have to go.

DappledThings · 12/02/2024 06:22

I don't think anyone's done anything wrong.

Your feelings are totally valid but so is his desire to take his mum out. It doesn't sound like he's pressurised you to do anything you don't want to and accepted you don't want to come. Not sure what else he should be doing.

Lighrbulbmo · 12/02/2024 06:22

Sounds like he wants you to celebrate being a mum too. Which is nice and kind. However, I feel perhaps he should be lead by you and what you want to do here. I’m so sorry for your loss. You know your mum, what can you do to celebrate the love she gave you ? Go a walk, go to her favorite place, bake her favorite cake maybe.

Marblessolveeverything · 12/02/2024 06:24

Sorry for your loss. This isn't YABU or not. He suggested an option and you responded. With the greatest of respect he doesn't know what is inside your head. Everyone will navigate loss differently.

I am sure if you talk to your husband he will respect your wishes. Do you feel you can't celebrate mother's day ? That's fine, you can always mark the occasion at a later stage. It must be a very challenging time.

I remember my mother not marking mother's day for a year or so after loosing her mother. We tend to break the day up now with visiting grand grave, a walk on her favourite beach and tea somewhere nice. We usually go for a meal the following week.

There is no right or wrong but I am sure your family will do whatever you feel works for you.

Oblomov23 · 12/02/2024 06:24

Your feelings are very valid. Please talk to him, tell him all this. Think about your mum between now and then. Your loss, your love for her. Think about you as a new mum, a new role for you. And about his (Dh's) relationship with his mum. Are you sure you wouldn't actually enjoy a meal? To celebrate all 3?

Dayzychains · 12/02/2024 06:30

Thank you all, I'm reading these replies with tears in my eyes, sitting next to a photo of my mum.

I think I feel I'd like him to look after me a little bit. We have a very colicky baby and so the last few months have been very difficult, and every day is just about survival. If he goes for a meal, it means I'll be alone from lunchtime and probably won't see him until the next day, as his family go all out for mother's day and will probably have a long 3 hour meal and drinks out.

I suppose when he said he'd like me to celebrate mothers day it stung a bit, as it very much felt like I was going to his mothers celebration (totally valid!! She deserves to be celebrated as she is wonderful) and I would have no space for my mum and this huge, gaping void I have. I think I would like something like a pp said, I'd like to visit her grave and maybe have some help with the baby so I could have a little rest (if it was really about me, though as I said, I don't really feel like a 'mum' yet as my little one is obviously unaware of MD and it's all still very new).

I do take the point that I'm being unfair in my expectations and I appreciate having the space to vent.

OP posts:
DappledThings · 12/02/2024 06:40

If he goes for a meal, it means I'll be alone from lunchtime and probably won't see him until the next day, as his family go all out for mother's day and will probably have a long 3 hour meal and drinks out.
That changes things a lot. I was imaging a couple of hours tops for a nice lunch. A three hour meal followed by drinks that go on to I assume the early hours if you're talking about not seeing him till the next day. That's moved straight into dick behaviour and that's regardless of you having lost your own mum. That's a dick move to be blithely out that long when you have a small baby.

Dayzychains · 12/02/2024 06:42

DappledThings · 12/02/2024 06:40

If he goes for a meal, it means I'll be alone from lunchtime and probably won't see him until the next day, as his family go all out for mother's day and will probably have a long 3 hour meal and drinks out.
That changes things a lot. I was imaging a couple of hours tops for a nice lunch. A three hour meal followed by drinks that go on to I assume the early hours if you're talking about not seeing him till the next day. That's moved straight into dick behaviour and that's regardless of you having lost your own mum. That's a dick move to be blithely out that long when you have a small baby.

Sorry it would only be until early evening but I go to bed with baby so it would mean next day still

OP posts:
boomingaround · 12/02/2024 06:44

Dayzychains · 12/02/2024 06:30

Thank you all, I'm reading these replies with tears in my eyes, sitting next to a photo of my mum.

I think I feel I'd like him to look after me a little bit. We have a very colicky baby and so the last few months have been very difficult, and every day is just about survival. If he goes for a meal, it means I'll be alone from lunchtime and probably won't see him until the next day, as his family go all out for mother's day and will probably have a long 3 hour meal and drinks out.

I suppose when he said he'd like me to celebrate mothers day it stung a bit, as it very much felt like I was going to his mothers celebration (totally valid!! She deserves to be celebrated as she is wonderful) and I would have no space for my mum and this huge, gaping void I have. I think I would like something like a pp said, I'd like to visit her grave and maybe have some help with the baby so I could have a little rest (if it was really about me, though as I said, I don't really feel like a 'mum' yet as my little one is obviously unaware of MD and it's all still very new).

I do take the point that I'm being unfair in my expectations and I appreciate having the space to vent.

Honestly I think you just need to tell your husband you needs his support this year and that you would like him to come with you to her grave or celebrate your mum in some other way. This year your feelings trump your MILs (although I strongly suspect that if she's as lovely as you say she is she would fully support him being with you on the day anyway). Maybe next year you will feel differently but this year I think you need his support to get through to day. I'm sure your mum would be so very proud of you and how you're doing with your baby.

mondaytosunday · 12/02/2024 06:48

I'd expect to do as he has done. He's asked you how you feel about it and expressed how he feels about it.
I do think it's unreasonable to expect him not to go have lunch (or dinner) with his own mother.

Meadowfinch · 12/02/2024 06:48

I put YANBU because your feelings are perfectly valid and understandable. I'm sorry for your loss.

It isn't unreasonable for him to go and see his mum though, but you need to tell him that you aren't up to going with him. Can you arrange for a friend or sister to come and keep you company?

Dayzychains · 12/02/2024 06:50

Meadowfinch · 12/02/2024 06:48

I put YANBU because your feelings are perfectly valid and understandable. I'm sorry for your loss.

It isn't unreasonable for him to go and see his mum though, but you need to tell him that you aren't up to going with him. Can you arrange for a friend or sister to come and keep you company?

Not really, no siblings and all my friends will br with their mums/kids

OP posts:
Theatrefan12 · 12/02/2024 06:50

It is not unreasonable for him to want to see his mum. Sadly because of your own recent experience he has likely realised that time with his mum is precious as it doesn’t last forever

Coconutter24 · 12/02/2024 06:50

Your feelings aren’t irrational however you said you’ve not said anything to him other than you’re happy for him to take his mum out. You need to be honest with him and tell him how you’re feeling otherwise he will go with what he’s told. He seems to of brought it up gently and in a sensitive way so I don’t think you should be annoyed with him just honest.

mammaCh · 12/02/2024 06:52

Sending lots of love and so sorry for your loss.
I think once you become a mum yourself, mother's day is about you. We now celebrate with grandparents another day.
You would surely want your husband with you, it's likely to a really tough day. If you don't want to go out for a meal, he should be staying with you doing whatever it is you want- even if that's nothing.
Sounds like he means well, but not that thoughtful maybe.

MayThe4th · 12/02/2024 06:52

Neither of you is unreasonable.

Your feelings are your feelings. But similarly your DH is to a certain extent stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I know there are almost certainly some people who would feel hurt if their dh hadn’t mentioned Mother’s Day at all if they had recently become a mum, and had assumed that they didn’t want to celebrate it because of a loss, because they may feel that their own becoming a mum has been sidelined by their dh.

Your DH didn’t make a big deal, he asked if you wanted to go out with his mum and when you said no he apologised.

But he’s not unreasonable to want to go out with his mum, and shouldn’t be expected not to just because you don’t.

FatFilledTrottyPuss · 12/02/2024 06:52

I’m a bit surprised at most of the replies so far to be honest.
It’s your first Mother’s Day as a mum yourself and you’ve so recently lost your own mum. You must be physically and emotionally exhausted. He really should be putting you and your needs first on this particular Mother’s Day, I’m sure his own mum will understand given the circumstances.
So sorry for your loss op and congratulations on your lovely baby.

Beefcurtains79 · 12/02/2024 06:58

FatFilledTrottyPuss · 12/02/2024 06:52

I’m a bit surprised at most of the replies so far to be honest.
It’s your first Mother’s Day as a mum yourself and you’ve so recently lost your own mum. You must be physically and emotionally exhausted. He really should be putting you and your needs first on this particular Mother’s Day, I’m sure his own mum will understand given the circumstances.
So sorry for your loss op and congratulations on your lovely baby.

This. He should be putting you first this year, my mother died when my first child was 12 weeks old. Mother’s Day was absolutely horrendous for me. My husband wouldn’t have dreamed of leaving me!
Even if he had, my MIL wouldn’t have let him.

Sunnnybunny72 · 12/02/2024 06:58

I don't think he's done anything wrong either.
I would be fine with him seeing his mum, and I say that as someone who lost their 54 year old DF just before Father's Day.
I get things are a big deal when you have a new baby, but him going for a meal is perfectly reasonable.
Let him take baby with him and have a day off.

Ponoka7 · 12/02/2024 06:59

"I'm a little hurt that he hasn't considered possibly just seeing his mum, giving her a present and maybe taking her out for a meal.another day"

You need to tell him this is what you need from him.

Beefcurtains79 · 12/02/2024 06:59

Sunnnybunny72 · 12/02/2024 06:58

I don't think he's done anything wrong either.
I would be fine with him seeing his mum, and I say that as someone who lost their 54 year old DF just before Father's Day.
I get things are a big deal when you have a new baby, but him going for a meal is perfectly reasonable.
Let him take baby with him and have a day off.

So she just sits on her own grieving? Nice.

Dayzychains · 12/02/2024 07:09

Ponoka7 · 12/02/2024 06:59

"I'm a little hurt that he hasn't considered possibly just seeing his mum, giving her a present and maybe taking her out for a meal.another day"

You need to tell him this is what you need from him.

I really don't feel able to say it outright as I think it sounds horribly selfish.

I did tentatively suggest that maybe he could take baby with him as his mum might want to see her grandchild and I could send a grandma present with baby (and I thought I could maybe sleep most of the day away) but he said he thought it was more important baby stay with me as its mother's day

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