To be hurt about DH and mothers day

[Dayzychains]

Long time lurker. First time poster.

I am mum to a 3 month old baby and I lost my own mum 2 months ago. A couple of days ago, my husband asked me about how I felt about mothers day, and would I be up for a meal with his mum.

I have a lovely relationship with my MIL. She is wonderful and a lovely grandma to our baby. However, I really don't feel up to going out for a meal to celebrate mothers day, given how raw my loss currently feels.

I said I doubted I would be up for it and I became quite tearful. My husband apologised for bringing it up but said he felt it would be better for me to come out rather than sit home alone with the baby, as he feels its important I celebrate my first mothers day, however I feel more like a bereaved daughter than I do a new mum.

I'm a little hurt that he hasn't considered possibly just seeing his mum, giving her a present and maybe taking her out for a meal.another day - SIL could still take MIL out on the day itself. I'm still very traumatised by my mums death, however I realise my feelings may be unreasonable as I'm not his mum and his mum does deserve to be spoiled on MD. I've not said anything and have said I'm more than happy for him to take his lovely mum out, as I do feel that my feelings may be irrational.

What would you expect your husband to do in this case?

Yes, yours certainly is.

I'm absolutely astonished the DH is even considering this to be honest.

Its the OP's FIRST mother's day as mother to his child, and the first mothers day since her own mum died. I am totally gobsmacked that he is abandoning her with the baby all day from lunchtime onwards.

I'm all for sons making their mums feel special and loved. Absolutely and I hope my son and I remain close forever. But if he turned up at this lunch in these circumstances I'd send him straight home with a flea in his ear about priorities.

This post is vile. Such cruelty.

I am so sorry for your loss, it must be so tough for you. I don't think you are being unreasonable or selfish at all. I think your husband should pop round to see his mum with flowers/card/present, or maybe join at the end of the meal for a drink or 2 but not stay long.

You have just lost your mum, have a new/colicy baby and its your very first mother's day, any one of those things alone would be reason enough for him to not spend a large chunk of the day with his mum and leave you alone.

I am certain that your MIL and his family will understand why he isnt doing the usual mother's day meal. You should speak to him again and let him know how upset you are feeling about the whole thing, please don't think that your feelings are unreasonable because they are not, it is a very emotional time having a new baby and I can't imagine how hard it is to lose your mum at the same time as well.

Also if you don't feel you want to "celebrate" your first mother's day then that is completely fine as well

Her mum passed away 2 mo the ago @Stilldefiant . Your lack of empathy is frightening. There are plenty of other threads for you to try and kick someone when they are down, even when you think you are doing it in a clever way. If you genuinely believe what you have written then I pity you and the people around you. If you have any people around you.

@Stilldefiant no.

The post you wrote to op calling her selfish, minimising her pain and so on is cruel.

Why did you spend time writing this? Bearing in mind mn is a site to support each other?

I’d be a bit disappointed if I were the mil in this situation and my ds wasn’t thinking about the mother of his dc, and supporting her through her first Mother’s Day without her mother.

Spending time with his dm is, of course fine, but at a minimum he should be taking the baby with him to give you a break, forgoing drink and spending time with his grieving wife. Life changes when you have a baby, and the all day drinking isn’t on. It’s not forever, but it’s not for now.

Okay. Please point out where I have made a fuss or asked him to not spend time with his mum?

I've reported Stilldefiant, if we could all do the same and stop reposting her disgusting views, hopefully MNHQ will be along to sort it.
OP doesn't need her thread heading for the gutter.

I'm genuinely curious as to what's wrong with you that you thought your post was appropriate

I was already aware there would be no common sense from you after reading that

@Dayzychains

PLEASE Do not engage with this poster.

What they wrote is cruel as many people have called out and hopefully this vile post will be deleted soon and the poster given a reminder of the purpose of this site and a warning.

No one is a mind reader, even DHs or best friends. Learn to use your words and say what you want. Be simple and direct. Your relationship will improve over the long run if you can get into the habit!

It's clear he has thought about your feelings, is trying to support you, but you're making it harder for him by not speaking up when he tries to ask you how he can support you/what you want to do. Just calmly speak up and say what you want to do.

I feel for you @Stilldefiant your mind must not be a very nice place to be. There are other cures for loneliness, trolling on threads like this is tragic.

@Stilldefiant Wow, that’s a very heartless response to a new mum who is struggling with the loss of her own DM. She’s not kicking up a fuss for drama because her mum died years ago and she wants all the attention, her loss is still incredibly raw.

@Dayzychains Please ignore Stilldefiant’s posts, they are clearly only on this thread in order to get a kick out of being vile.

You’re not being selfish. You’re not asking your DH not to see his mum. (Even if you did, that still wouldn’t be selfish this year in the circumstances!).

It's understandable that you don't want to spell out your feelings to him but, and I mean this very gently, he's doing for you what he thinks he would need if the situation were the other way around.

You've acknowledged he's not being horrible or selfish, just unaware of what you need. I think my DH would be similar tbh.

To resolve this, you're going to have to talk to him. Don't worry about 'being selfish' - your very early into the grieving process and are dealing with exhaustion and a baby with colic. Sometimes, it's ok to say 'I want you to look after me because I'm finding things so hard, and I want you to do that by doing XYZ.'

If I were you, I'd suggest he take baby to see his mum in the morning for an hour, deliver presents and give you some down time to sleep, bath/shower. Then come home and take you to visit your dms grave, maybe take baby for a walk together and go home where he can look after baby with you, cook you something nice and just be with you so you can laugh, cry, reminisce, cuddle, whatever it is that you need to get through the day.

As you say, your MIL will likely be understanding, and hopefully your DH will too once you explain what you need.

I'm very sorry for your loss OP

You're not unreasonable at all, he should put you first this year and do what you want, especially as you're being so completely unselfish yourself.

But you do need to communicate clearly with him. Tell him how you would like the day to go. For example you could suggest that he goes to see his mum in the evening after you're asleep, or in the morning for an hour, taking the baby perhaps. If he comes back with "but you should not be wallowing" or "you should be with the baby on MD" then you need to remind him that everyone grieves differently and this is how you feel.

I went for a bike ride on my own last mother's day, no grief involved it was just how I wanted to spend the morning, I spend almost all my free time with my kids and wanted 3 hours just to be alone outside.

Ok @Stilldefiant if you're all about prioritising the living, how about he prioritises HER? The actual mother of HIS child, on her very first mothers day as a mum? You know, like a normal decent husband and father would do?

You've had a baby, so your DH needs to switch focus - his priority on mother's day should be you, not his own mum. If MIL is a decent person she will recognise this too. I'm sorry for your loss. I do think you need to find a way to tell your DH how you feel to avoid this causing resentment.

I notice you're responding to everyone but me?

This really. I'd suggest he could see his wonderful mum the day before, and make Mothers day about you going forward, at least until your child is able to, or you want to join his family celebrations. I'm so sorry for your loss, coupled with a new baby, it must be very hard 💐