To be hurt about DH and mothers day

[Dayzychains]

Long time lurker. First time poster.

I am mum to a 3 month old baby and I lost my own mum 2 months ago. A couple of days ago, my husband asked me about how I felt about mothers day, and would I be up for a meal with his mum.

I have a lovely relationship with my MIL. She is wonderful and a lovely grandma to our baby. However, I really don't feel up to going out for a meal to celebrate mothers day, given how raw my loss currently feels.

I said I doubted I would be up for it and I became quite tearful. My husband apologised for bringing it up but said he felt it would be better for me to come out rather than sit home alone with the baby, as he feels its important I celebrate my first mothers day, however I feel more like a bereaved daughter than I do a new mum.

I'm a little hurt that he hasn't considered possibly just seeing his mum, giving her a present and maybe taking her out for a meal.another day - SIL could still take MIL out on the day itself. I'm still very traumatised by my mums death, however I realise my feelings may be unreasonable as I'm not his mum and his mum does deserve to be spoiled on MD. I've not said anything and have said I'm more than happy for him to take his lovely mum out, as I do feel that my feelings may be irrational.

What would you expect your husband to do in this case?

Neither of you are unreasonable. It would be lovely if he didn't go with his Mum this year and looked after you. However, imagine if this ended up being his Mums last he would forever remember not spending time with her for a bit. I think the compromise would be that he went for a shorter time to split his time between you both. I think he was OK to ask, but he shouldn't be pushing it with you. At this point he needs to be guided by you and not push.

I think you just need to say what you want. Decide what you want to happen and then tell him. Don't be tentative and you are at risk of him not understanding and then you will be in a situation you don't want to be in.

Tell him that you've had a think and this is what you want.

It may be that you want to start your own tradition with your own child but this may not be the year to think about that.

I think he was doing the right thing by asking you now. The day will have a completely different meaning for you now as you have lost your mum but also now that you are a mother you need to be at the centre of your own Mother's Day.

Hmm I don’t like that. What’s the baby going to do, buy you daffodils and make you breakfast in bed? Tell him, not ask, if he’s going out the baby is going with him. It is not appropriate in these or any other circumstances for him to plan for you to spend Mother’s Day looking after a colicky baby on your own. Sorry for your loss OP.

Can he just take his mother for a meal for a couple of hours and then come home to be with you? It doesn’t have to be drinks for hours after. I think he needs to acknowledge Mother’s Day with his own mum too even if you’re not up to it. At least he could visit her with a card and a bunch of flowers.

Surely his mum would be horrified if her son left his grieving wife and young baby alone for most of Mother’s Day! I certainly wouldn’t be impressed.

I think your idea of him popping over to hers with a present and then spending the day with you is perfect. Visit the cemetery, go for a walk then get a takeaway. Avoid the cafes and restaurants.

I’d expect him to stay with me and not have lunch with his mil. We dont always see my mum or mil on Mother’s Day and it’s really not a big thing. This is your first Mother’s Day as a mum and it’s ok for that to be about you, with the fact that you’ve lost your mum recently even more so as it’s going to be a hard day.

I would send him with the baby and enjoy some quiet alone time to relax. You have gone through some enormous changes and loss.

Tell him how you feel and what you want.

Did he now? Sounds like someone wants to get pissed with his siblings. I suggest you point out that it’s your day, you get to have a day of your choosing, not him.
My MIL wouldn’t be in the slightest bit impressed.

I absolutely don't think he should not see his mum on MD! It's important he does, I just thought a long boozy celebratory lunch stretching into evening/baby's bedtime feels a bit unfair, but my loss shouldn't mean that he can't celebrate his lovely mum

Also he isn't the type to come in pissed or anything, they really pace themselves and are a lovely bunch to go out with! I would normally be super excited to go out foe a long lovely lunch too, but I just can't face it

Your husband is being totally unreasonable here. Tell him, firmly, that your mothers' day gift is a break from the baby and that he is taking the baby with him. Your MIL will be delighted to spend time with her grandchild and you will get the space and rest you need and deserve.

Totally agree with all of this. Can’t he take his mum out on the Saturday!? Your Mother’s Day will be a mix of painful and happy emotions and he should focus on that. His sister can take his mum out and / or she should understand your situation. That said my mil is horrible but even she would sulk but quietly as she knows that is the right thing to do.

It seems as though he is setting your expectations for you and he isn't listening or thinking about you. If you don't lay out your expectations precisely (brief visit with his mum on his own, then supporting your needs and wants for the rest of the day, including looking after the baby) then he has no wriggle room to state what you should do on what is a significant day. Do not go with him as you could get stuck in the family celebrations and he will persuade you to stay.

You have to tell him ASAP before he makes final arrangements. You could end up heartbroken on the day at this rate. He seems to be only thinking about himself.

I personally feel that on a) your first Mother’s Day as a mother and b) your first Mother’s Day without your own mum, your husband should prioritise spending time with you, rather than leaving you home alone to see his own mum.

He wasn’t wrong to ask you if you’d like to attend lunch with his mum but IMO when you said no, he should rethink going himself that day. He can give her a gift or drop round that day and take her out another day. Just my thoughts anyway. My MIL would 100% understand this I’m sure.

I lost my mum many years ago and Mother’s Day was crap every year (until I had my own child to distract me/give me a different way to look at the day). Sorry for how yours is turning out.

I really think he needs to not go to the lunch. I could never enjoy a lunch like that knowing my bereaved partner was at home alone on a sensitive day. Also who the fuck cares if he thinks it’s “important” for the baby to be with you?! It’s not up to him! On this one occasion I feel like he should be defaulting to you entirely. He can go and see his mum for a little bit with the baby and then come back to support you through it if that’s what you want. This seems utterly clear to me.

So you want to spend the day with your husband and newborn.

He thinks you should go out with his Mum.

If you won't go out he's going out anyway.

And if he goes out he won't take the baby because he think it's better for you to have baby alone.

Not really putting himself in your shoes is he?

I don't celebrate Mother's Day and I'm not a MIL.
But if I did and I was your MIL I'd be telling my son to prioritise his recently bereaved wife.

I am sorry for your loss op xxx

Is there a compromise to be found here? Could he go for a normal length lunch then come back for a walk and visit to your mums grave with you? Or the other way round maybe.

To be fair, his mum doesn't know about MD plans and me not attending as SIL has arranged everything.

I truly believe if roles were reversed he would come out with my family.

Hi Op, so sorry for your loss. I lost my mother very unexpectedly two months before Mother's Day and couldn't face celebrating the day in usual fashion either. My children are a little older so we went to visit the grave and then for a shop where they each got a little gift in memory of my mum.
My husband dropped in to see his mum who was very understanding of my situation.

I would talk to your husband again, a day alone with a 3 month old isn't ideal, he sounds caring, I'm sure if you explain you would prefer a day by yourself to grieve/walk/cry in peace or even just stay in bed alone he will understand.

he felt it would be better for me to come out rather than sit home alone with the baby, as he feels its important I celebrate my first mothers day

This would make my blood boil. Who is he to tell you what is "better".

Bloody hell, my dh would never leave me in such circumstances. I suffered a horrible bereavement when I was pregnant with dc2. We watched a boxset through the bells at New Year because I just couldn't face 'celebrating'.

I am surprised by some of these responses.

Don’t ask him to take the baby, tell him that’s what’s happening. You deserve the space and time to grieve in any way you see fit and he doesn’t get to determine how you spend your Mother’s Day, he’s not the king of the castle.

I think he needs to remember it’s Mother’s Day for you too, your first one, and you’re so recently bereaved. I think he should take his mum a gift and spend a couple of hours there and come home and cook you a nice meal and spend some time together

Having lost my mum and knowing how much it hurts, I'd be packing my DH off to his mum's on MD while he still has her (that's what I did do the first year after my mother died).

Everyone is different though.