To be hurt about DH and mothers day

[Dayzychains]

Long time lurker. First time poster.

I am mum to a 3 month old baby and I lost my own mum 2 months ago. A couple of days ago, my husband asked me about how I felt about mothers day, and would I be up for a meal with his mum.

I have a lovely relationship with my MIL. She is wonderful and a lovely grandma to our baby. However, I really don't feel up to going out for a meal to celebrate mothers day, given how raw my loss currently feels.

I said I doubted I would be up for it and I became quite tearful. My husband apologised for bringing it up but said he felt it would be better for me to come out rather than sit home alone with the baby, as he feels its important I celebrate my first mothers day, however I feel more like a bereaved daughter than I do a new mum.

I'm a little hurt that he hasn't considered possibly just seeing his mum, giving her a present and maybe taking her out for a meal.another day - SIL could still take MIL out on the day itself. I'm still very traumatised by my mums death, however I realise my feelings may be unreasonable as I'm not his mum and his mum does deserve to be spoiled on MD. I've not said anything and have said I'm more than happy for him to take his lovely mum out, as I do feel that my feelings may be irrational.

What would you expect your husband to do in this case?

What does he plan to do for Mothering Sunday in the future? He can’t just leave you alone all day looking after your DC whilst he has a long family lunch.

DH has always taken DS to see MIL in the morning, then we’ve spent the rest of the day together. However, the first one after my mum died he knew I would be upset so he saw MIL the day before.

I do think you need to be clear here in telling him what you need. I know you want him to just figure it out himself, but don’t write off the day because he can’t.

Totally reasonable for him to take baby to MIL for an hour or two - you get a rest, he gets to see his mother and she gets to see baby. Then the rest of the day he looks after you. Literally nothing for anyone reasonable to complain about there.

Why MUST he? If Ops needs can wait for another day, why can't MILs? Particularly as she has other family around her and is not as far as I know either grieving or looking after HIS collicky baby. So there are 3 different reasons why, on this one particular year, OP should come first. He can see MIL on a less emotive day surely.

Perhaps I was unclear. Of course he must see his mum, as always, and celebrate as he usually does with his mum as it's mother's day and he has only one mum.

if you want him to take the baby, ask him.

Because it's mother's day and she's not his mother. If she wants him to take the baby, she should tell him.

He hasn’t done anything wrong at all, I think he’s handled this with perfect sensitivity. He still, understandably, wants to spend some time with his own Mum which is absolutely reasonable. I think extending the invite to you but not assuming you’d want to go was the right thing to do as well. It’s completely understandable why you feel so sensitive but your DH sounds like a decent bloke.

I'm assuming he's had 30 years ish to treat his own mother. On every family I know, when children are v young the DH makes a fuss of his wife as well as his own mother on mother's day. Even if they didn't have kids, it's likely to be a particularly emotional day for his wife this one particular year. And I don't think I know any families where people see their mother every mother's day without fail.

That result is much closer than i thought it would be

My husband would stay home with me this first year, maybe take the baby round to MIL as someone else suggested IF YOU WANT HIM TO so you can chill

I'll go against the grain here. You're his wife, his first priority, especially with a new baby. You're going through a horrendously raw time right now and this is your first Mother's Day. He has had X number of years to celebrate his own mother on the day itself, it's your turn now. I would be horrified if my child even considered this let alone did it tbh.

However you do need to be honest with him.

Also just to add - MIL is very unassuming and I don't think she expects anything or would be offended, and I expect those are the very reasons my husband really makes a fuss of her. She's truly a lovely person and would probably be the first one to ask if he shouldn't stay home with me, but I think he doesn't see the point in wallowing, or however else you'd describe my behaviour. I think if roles were reversed he'd just crack on for the good of others and he probably would think thats what I'd be best doing g too but understands if I don't necessarily want to.

said I'm more than happy for him to take his lovely mum out
I think this is the problem @Dayzychains because you aren’t more than happy you need to be honest and tell him you think it’s the right thing to do to see his mum but that you feel desperately sad about your own. He’s your husband, just be honest.

My condolescenes on the loss of your dear mum. I was in your situation four years ago. My mum passed away and I had a small baby. It was very hard for my husband to navigate different events because neither he nor I knew how I was going to affected by different milestones. The firsts are very hard and to be honest I still find mothers day very hard. It's a day I should be celebrating with my mum and child and I struggle to feel anything but sadness and resentment. I don't have an answer of what the best thing to do is on the day because I still don't know but be kind to yourself and honest with your husband about what you need. Sending you strength and wishing you all the best.

Definitely try to compromise, maybe he looks after the baby in the morning whilst you visit the grave or you all go if that’s what you’d prefer. He should definitely go to the meal (it probably feels even more important this year after your recent loss) but ask if he will skip the drinks and come home at a reasonable time

This.

A different scenario in a few years maybe, when time has dulled your grief and you're further into motherhood. But not this year - and actually given what the OP has said about his Mum she may well be horrified when she finds out, making the whole thing doubly difficult. (Because then it will have both happened so you'll be said, and she'll be horrified so she she'll be sad.)

Flip it around, seeing how sad you are at loosing your mum makes him want to spend time with his, you never know when it's the last until too late. Yanbu but in this case I think going out for lunch is a good idea though I suggest booking later in the day as most book proper lunch time, I've found at 4/5 restaurants and pubs far more pleasant!

Thank you for this, this articulates how I feel. It just feels impossible to navigate.

I think it's difficult because I seem fine to everyone. Having a very tiny baby has forced me to soldier on, I'm socialising, we take the baby out regularly with family and I am always all smiles. At heart, however, I'm an absolute wreck and I'm in constant, agonising pain.

Sorry for your loss.💐

I’ve been in almost your exact position and I would encourage you to lay out exactly how you are feeling (I’m sure if explained your MIL would understand) or it could cause resentment for a vey long time.

You need your husband for this first Mother’s Day without your mum, he should pop in and see his mum first thing and then come back and celebrate you as a mother and remember your mum.

I also think with a three month old baby as you are the one in the trenches of mothering you should be pampered by him, since your baby is too young to mark the occasion yet!

I think he’s tried to handle it really well and you will feel better about this in time.

I think you should tell him out loud what you want.

He should be celebrating your first Mother's Day with you and your child, however that looks to you at this difficult time.

But imo for the first one, that's what he should be doing even if you hadn't lost your mum tbh.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

I really felt for you reading this OP, I'm sorry for your loss.

You're not being unreasonable, it's your first Mother's Day and also your first without your mum. The day should be focused around you and your needs this year, not your MIL. She's had many mothers days and hopefully many more. I'm sure if you write it all down to explain to your husband, I know I would get too emotional trying to verbally discuss it, he will completely understand too.

His mum doesn't come into it I'm afraid - you are his priority now. He should pop round with a card and a bunch of flowers and the rest is you and baby.