To be hurt about DH and mothers day

[Dayzychains]

Long time lurker. First time poster.

I am mum to a 3 month old baby and I lost my own mum 2 months ago. A couple of days ago, my husband asked me about how I felt about mothers day, and would I be up for a meal with his mum.

I have a lovely relationship with my MIL. She is wonderful and a lovely grandma to our baby. However, I really don't feel up to going out for a meal to celebrate mothers day, given how raw my loss currently feels.

I said I doubted I would be up for it and I became quite tearful. My husband apologised for bringing it up but said he felt it would be better for me to come out rather than sit home alone with the baby, as he feels its important I celebrate my first mothers day, however I feel more like a bereaved daughter than I do a new mum.

I'm a little hurt that he hasn't considered possibly just seeing his mum, giving her a present and maybe taking her out for a meal.another day - SIL could still take MIL out on the day itself. I'm still very traumatised by my mums death, however I realise my feelings may be unreasonable as I'm not his mum and his mum does deserve to be spoiled on MD. I've not said anything and have said I'm more than happy for him to take his lovely mum out, as I do feel that my feelings may be irrational.

What would you expect your husband to do in this case?

Don't agree at all. You don't just replace one family member with another. Who knows how many more Mothers Days he might have with his mum.

I think it's fine OP doesn't want to go but he should be able to carry on regardless. As sad as it is, life goes on. I don't see why everyone sitting at home feeling sad is a preferable choice.

I’m very sorry for your loss and can see you feel tender.

That your dh wants to celebrate his wife becoming a mother is just wonderful. But I note if he goes to his mother it’s an all day job.

If you feel strong enough, perhaps have a think that now is one of those times to set in place new routines for your own family. Brunch with MIL perhaps then a family activity with just yourselves?

It will be Fathers Day soon enough and then Christmas. I know how awful you feel but organising yourself a little now might well pay dividends later.

Looking ahead, is dealing with his mothers idea of mother's day what you want as your family grows and becomes unwieldy?

sending the biggest hugs.

This is such a horrible take on things.
If my brother was to treat his post partum, bereaved wife with such little regard in her behalf, our mum would be furious.

Absolutely this. I am sorry for your loss OP. Please do not be afraid to be firm in telling him what you want. At the very least he can take the baby. His refusal will tell you everything you need to know. It is not unreasonable to expect your DH to put you first in such circumstances my lovely. If it was my DH's first Father's Day and he had recently lost his dad then my day would be focused on making sure he was ok. Stick up for yourself a little OP, people treat you how you allow them to.

What would your Mum want you to do? I know you are grieving but as you say your DH’s family are all lovely genuine people. Being in their company maybe just what you need. Can you compromise and go and leave early if it’s all too much?

I have absolutely no idea

So have I, and I totally agree with this.

Are people missing the fact that OP became a mum, and a month later she lost her own mum? This is absolutely awful. OP I am so, so sorry.

Whatever your husband thinks he might or might not do on Mother’s Day when his mum dies is completely irrelevant here, as his mum is alive and therefore he has absolutely no idea yet how he would feel. His mum can still have a visit from him, but the new young mum in the trenches is the one who needs her husband’s support right now, and all this talk of soldiering on when you only lost your mum THREE MONTHS AGO is revolting, quite frankly. It sounds as though your husband has quite strong ideas on how you should be feeling, but that’s not ok. Your feelings are your feelings and you are allowed to deal with them however you need to.

It’s fine - and probably very necessary for you - if you want to grieve for your loss on Mother’s Day rather than celebrating with your little one (and they are too small to know or care anyway!).

MIL is still going to get a visit from her son but if she’s as lovely as you say she is, I’m sure she will understand why her son is just doing a short visit this year.

OP please try to explain to your husband that he needs to listen to you, and put you first, and that your feelings may not seem understandable to him but they are your feelings and they matter. And they should matter the most right now after what you’ve been through.

I think this is where I'm being unreasonable.

I want him to offer to support me. I don't want to have to ask him for support. I want him to do for me what I would do for him.

Maybe I didn't make myself clear earlier. Your MIL is not relevant this year. Whatever you need this year, you need to tell DH and he needs to make it happen. You and his child are his priority now.

He's being a dick. Why should you have to look after baby because it's mother's day?!?! He can take baby to the meal. Everyone gets what they want.

He needs to be more supportive.

@Dayzychains I know, but the only person you are hurting by taking this approach is you.

Tell him how you feel. You'll only build up resentment against him otherwise, which is no good for anyone.

It doesn't sound like he will though @Dayzychains . You had a baby 3 months ago and lost your own mum just weeks later? Yeah, it would be nice if he figured it out himself but it doesn't sound like he is particularly emotionally intelligent. Be firm. If he wants to still go then he takes the baby so you don't have to spend the day taking care of a colicky baby. You have to look out for yourself, no one else will.

Sorry for your loss.
I think rather than being annoyed he hasn't considered it, you should ask clearly for what you need 'it would mean a lot to me if my first Mother's Day as a mum and without my mum would be just us three, please can you consider taking mil out another day!'

Any decent mil should understand that, my mum definitely would if my SIL had lost her mum just before baby was born xx

@Dayzychains You are NOT being unreasonable in hoping that he would know how to support you, and to offer to do it. It’s bloody rotten that he isn’t doing that.

However, he isn’t doing it, so you either need to explain to him, very clearly, why he needs to start doing it, and how let down you feel. Or you need to let it go.

I would not be able to let it go, and frankly your husband needs to step up here, so I know what I would do… I agree that you shouldn’t have to tell him, but if he gets it after one heartfelt conversation, isn’t it worth it? He clearly doesn’t have an imagination so you need to explain it for him, I think (and I understand that it’s more mental load for you at a time when you’re overwhelmed, I’m sorry)

I think this year as a one off he could stay with you and sil could take mil out.

Anyone who couldn't understand why is a bit heartless to be honest. You've just lost your mum and have a new baby. It's clearly going to be a tough one for you.

Mothers day is a made up day, we can celebrate mothers any day of the year. Your dh could even just pop into see his mum, it doesn't need to be a big long celebration all day.

OP I think your handling this very well.

I'd be much more unreasonable in these circumstances.

Your feelings very much trump the normal expectations here, and if you want to sleep MD away then your husband can take baby with him. He may think having baby with you would be a distraction and give you little snippets of a baby smile etc. through the day but if you want him to take baby you do need to tell him.

Alternatively ask him that he does lunch but returns earlier than usual so he can help with baby and you can have a bath, rest etc. and mourn.

I lost my dad on father’s day 2022 and the very next day found out I was pregnant. Baby took up all my focus and got me through the initial grieving process and to outsiders I probably looked fine, you sound a little like me and that baby has been a good distraction from the grief. Father’s Day 2023 was much harder than I expected, it was a year on and I just didn’t want to celebrate. My DH went to visit his dad briefly with the kids and then we went to my dad’s grave. We did a meal for DH the following day and he completely understood that I just couldn’t face any celebrations. Your DH sounds very caring and I’m sure if you told him how you really feel he would understand. Your MIL sounds lovely too and will fully understand that you don’t want to be in a group celebration that will just be a huge reminder that your DM is no longer here. Speak to your DH, it’s not selfish it’s a relationship and he needs to be there for you. Ask him to take the baby to see his mum in the morning whilst you nap and have a relax, then you could go for a walk together and visit your DM then get a take away or something. Do what feels right to you but make sure he’s there to support you. He’s not a mind reader and won’t know how best to support you unless you voice it. I’m so sorry that you’ve lost your DM xx

Op, if mil was alone and it was only dh to take her out then I would have suggested a compromise.

On this occasion your dh needs to support you and do what you wish. His dm will be proud of him putting you first on such a difficult day.

Tbh your dh is actually trying to support you in the best way he can think of. It wouldn't do any harm To go out for something to eat then back home it will actually do you all good. I'm sorry for your loss I've just had one in the last month but I know in my heart I have to keep going for my family aswell

Please be brave and tell him the support you need.

Yes you would feel loads better if he got what you needed and did it, but he's fallible and doesn't.

Give him the chance to step up rather than end up hurt and resentful that he got it wrong.

You are emotionally vulnerable with a "tricky" baby

Op you can't describe how it feels until it happens. You need to tell him.

@Stilldefiant
That's a very unkind and nasty post.

It's absolutely fine and reasonable for him to take his mum for a meal on Mother's Day, and reasonable for you not to want to go. It does sound like he was trying to support you by not leaving you behind, but as long as he continues not to push it, it's fine.

What's wrong with you?