To be hurt about DH and mothers day

[Dayzychains]

Long time lurker. First time poster.

I am mum to a 3 month old baby and I lost my own mum 2 months ago. A couple of days ago, my husband asked me about how I felt about mothers day, and would I be up for a meal with his mum.

I have a lovely relationship with my MIL. She is wonderful and a lovely grandma to our baby. However, I really don't feel up to going out for a meal to celebrate mothers day, given how raw my loss currently feels.

I said I doubted I would be up for it and I became quite tearful. My husband apologised for bringing it up but said he felt it would be better for me to come out rather than sit home alone with the baby, as he feels its important I celebrate my first mothers day, however I feel more like a bereaved daughter than I do a new mum.

I'm a little hurt that he hasn't considered possibly just seeing his mum, giving her a present and maybe taking her out for a meal.another day - SIL could still take MIL out on the day itself. I'm still very traumatised by my mums death, however I realise my feelings may be unreasonable as I'm not his mum and his mum does deserve to be spoiled on MD. I've not said anything and have said I'm more than happy for him to take his lovely mum out, as I do feel that my feelings may be irrational.

What would you expect your husband to do in this case?

I'm so sorry for your loss Hun.

I can understand both sides ... You don't want to go out to celebrate mother's day as it's still pretty raw... But he needs to celebrate his mum .. so if he takes her out while your at home with your beautiful baby... Just remember you have lost your dear mother but you are now one too... What a precious thing.. it's bitter sweet ... I hope you enjoy your day and embrace your mum too.. xx

Op, I haven't RTFT but I am sorry for your loss. Last year I lost my dad two weeks before father's day in unexpected and traumatic circumstances. My in laws invited me to go out to celebrate it with them and honestly it stung that they didn't consider it would be difficult. So I do get a bit what you're going through.

I think mother's day and father's day should be aimed at those in the trenches of parenting - you don't get much more in the trenches than a 3 month old! Yes it's nice to acknowledge the next generation up, but I know my mum isn't getting up every hour or not getting to eat with both hands or not getting to shower for days on end. Plus she's already had 30+ years of mothers day being all about her. Your DH should be treating you, and this year with grief that might just be having a quiet day and him holding the baby while you have a nap. Leaving you while he goes off for hours, dealing with your grief and a small baby, isn't fair on what is now equally if not more your day too.

Grief isnt reasonable and its your first mothers day. Stop thinking what should you do. You should do what brings you comfort. I think this is an incredibky difficult time for you and you DH taking his mum out anither day is perfectly reasonable and supportive. Perhaps he could still pop round with flowers for her while you take some time to yourself for an hour.

I'm very sorry for your loss. I too lost my mum fairly recently and it's shit.

However, I think that your husband is being completely lovely about it. It's never going to be easy, and if you feel like you'd rather let this one slide, then stand firm, but don't fall out over it. You're going to need your DH a lot over the coming months. My DH was, and still is, an absolute rock for me regarding my mum's passing.
I do think that he has a point, stay home feeling like shit (which you will), or go out with DH and MiL and raise a toast to her, your mum and your own motherhood?

Only you know how you feel and what you want, but I think YWBU to feel like DH is being insensitive, sounds like the opposite to me.

Much love ❤️

OP said she’d like him to take the baby with him, but he said no.
Im not sure that’s ‘completely lovely’.

Agree. If I had lost my mum I wouldn't be up for anything like that at all. But yes communicate, tell him. Im sure all parties will understand through clear communication. Just let them know how you feel. YANBU, losing a parent especially a mother so soon after becoming a mother yourself, is hard.
I lost my dad during COVID then shortly after had my first baby and more or less everyday I wish he was here to be a part of the raising process. Take your time. It really does heal. God bless.

So let me get this straight...

OH gets to go out for a nice meal and drinks, relax with freedom.

You get to look after the baby, regardless of what choice you make, because it's mother's day.

Is this what happens on father's day BTW? He has the baby all day so he can appreciate being a father? Bet it won't be...

My immediate reaction upon reading your post was sadness that you lost your mum. I can't imagine. Then upon reading the rest of your post I felt slightly irritated sorry for my blunt honesty. Why shouldn't your husband take his mum out on mother's day? I'm sure he can split the day between you & his mum. He doesn't have to spend all day with her & can reduce his hours with her to spend some of it with you. I get it's a hard day for you but sometimes you have to self sooth, lift your chin up and carry on. Life isn't going to stop you have to keep on going and deal with situations you don't particularly like. Sorry I sound like a person with a stone for a heart but moping won't get you anywhere and I'm sure your mum wouldn't want u spending mothers day crying and feeling down. Go out for a meal and try to enjoy it for your mum's sake. She would want you to go I'm sure, especially as it's your first mother's day. I know for a fact if my mum died she would be looking down and shouting to me "don't sit bloody crying about me". She obviously loved you and would want you to celebrate your first mother's day. Think of what she would have wanted you to do. Go with that in your mind and I'm sure you will feel better about going out.

You should have stuck with your first sentence and not bothered with the rest.
OP has been soldiering on for her child and would like the special organised treat of time and space to grieve on a particularly difficult day. What your mum would want for you is nor relevant.
As you can't imagine, I'll explain. My mum lost her parents within 6 months of each other in pretty horrible circumstances. It was awful for everyone. Luckily for her, she had given up her job in order to be there for them and therefore had time and space to grieve and heal. Unlucky for me, I was working 60hours per week and had a breakdown and was put on anti depressants.
All the finger wagging in the world isn't going to help OP. She needs her DH to do a bit of parenting and giver her some space.

Can people stop telling the OP that her mum would want her to go? It’s speculation, and designed to guilt trip her.

Completely agree, I know all my mum would want for me in OP's shoes is for DH to take care of me.

OP I know you haven't come back to the thread, but if you're reading I hope you've spoken to your DH and he understands. Like I said I really think your MIL will.

OPs mistake was asking, she should just tell him that's what is happening if he wants to go.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Two months is not a very long time, it's completely understandable to still be grieving and struggling. I personally think that your husband needs to just play it a bit by ear this year. He needs to wait and see what you're up for and then see his mum before or after. She's not the main player this year, and based on your lovely description of her I'm sure she'd understand.

I hope he's generally supportive of you and that you're asking for help when needed. Grief isn't a constant, it is more of a rollercoaster with ups and downs. Be kind to yourself, and take care.

Mine too!
Not sure all these "don't you dare take any time for yourself or put yourself first ever" mums are exactly the heroines they are being made out to be, to be honest.
5 years later if OP still can't face the world, fine, hit her with the "what would your mum have wanted" chatter. But it's still so raw and recent and she's just given birth! Calm down!

Sorry for your loss. And sorry that several posters seem to determined to not read your posts.

I think you're reasonable to ask him to split the day.

He's told you what he wants. Lunch out. You to go out too. You to be with the baby. They're not bad ideas, but not what you want.

Now it's time to tell him.

He didn't worry about being selfish. Speak to him.

When you’re grieving, the advice is to be good to yourself. So this is what you should do, and what your DH should support you in doing. You lost your mum two months ago - it’s hard. Everything is still raw and painful and given that you were dealing with a new baby when your mum passed, you haven’t had nearly enough time to process your loss and come to terms with it.

Acceptance is the hardest part and it takes time. Until then there will be some things that are very triggering, and you couldn’t get much more triggering than Mothers’ Day. So, for this year, I really don’t think there is a compromise to be had. This is about you, and what you need.

Either have a word with your MiL, or ask your DH to, and explain how you feel. It sounds as though you have a really good relationship with her, so I can’t imagine that she wouldn’t understand what you’re going through, and she will want to make things as easy on you as possible. It sounds as though your DH wants to do that too, but you need to be honest with them so they can give you what you need.

Maybe Mothers’ Day, for you, should be given over to having quiet time to yourself to reflect on all that’s happened. I do hope you find comfort - the pain will pass, and when it does you’ll have a lifetime of memories of your mum to share with your child as they grow. No-one can take that away. 💐

I’ve not read any replies. I’d expect my son to spend Mother’s Day with his grieving wife, in your situation. And I’d call you on the day and check how you were doing, and maybe send you flowers. I’m very sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry for your loss. You can hear the raw grief in your posts and I can only imagine how hard it is with a new baby too. I know a “celebration” meal feels like the last thing you need but would it not help to be around other family who love you too? Someone else can hold the baby for a change. They can all look after you- you are a mum too. Even if you eat and go straight home, it will break up the day.

It sounds like your mum was a remarkable woman, who you clearly love very much. Take flowers to her grave and have a good cry but also try to think of the good times. Do you have any funny stories about her? Would it help you to tell us about your lovely mum?

It's not unreasonable it is understandable.But I'm sure your own mum would say go.she is a lovely MIL to you and deserves a meal out and so do you.would you really want your child to stay at home if the roles were reversed?

I was still turning into a crying mess at random times a good 6 months after Mum died. I can’t imagine anything worse than having a Mothering Sunday meal out in OPs circumstances.

To be honest, even without the grief, a long restaurant lunch with the in laws when you have a baby with colic is likely to be pretty stressful (or would have been for me). Add the emotion of grief and the day on to that and it would tip me over the edge.

It would be good to do something 'nice' but it needs to be nice for someone with a very young baby, not just what the in laws always do for mother's day. When ours were that age the most we'd probably manage is one course then a nice walk with the pram, and even then we'd sometimes end up taking it in turns to push the baby round the car park or something whilst the other ate because they wouldn't settle and crying was disturbing other customers!

Yes, I'm the mother of HIS children. OP is also a mother, being left home alone.

This is an important point. My daughter was 13 months before we could reliably have Sunday lunch. She was a colic, allergy and reflux baby and at 4 months she was in my arms permanently. So many Sundays lunches we quickly eaten whilst me and my partner played pass the parcel with the baby. A 3+h lunch would be a disaster! Even once that improved she was always a grizzly thing in between her naps and had a short awake window. It was only when she dropped to one nap life got a lot easier

When the death of your own mother happens a month after you’ve given birth to your own child, I’m afraid you’re deluded if you think ‘life goes on’ for the OP. Under different circumstances, two months after the loss of a parent is still very early and the grief will still be raw - many things will be triggering. At two months, and with the needs of a new baby to attend to as well, the OP won’t have had any time to process the life changing events happening in a very short space of time. OP isn’t suggesting that her husband doesn’t see his mother, she needs them both to understand how hard this day will be for her. She’s not ‘sitting at home feeling sad’, she needs to take time for herself to process it all and to start to come to terms with it. Grief isn’t a one size fits all process - everyone is different, and acceptance of the loss is the hardest part.

Grief isn’t a one size fits all process - everyone is different, and acceptance of the loss is the hardest part.

Exactly, and for some people, life does go on. That doesn't make me 'deluded'; I'm allowed to have a different thought or grieving process than someone else. For me, it only makes me feel worse to wrap myself up in grief; it serves no purpose but to make me unhappier. Far better to find the joy in life that is still there. It doesn't mean you care any less.