To be hurt about DH and mothers day

[Dayzychains]

Long time lurker. First time poster.

I am mum to a 3 month old baby and I lost my own mum 2 months ago. A couple of days ago, my husband asked me about how I felt about mothers day, and would I be up for a meal with his mum.

I have a lovely relationship with my MIL. She is wonderful and a lovely grandma to our baby. However, I really don't feel up to going out for a meal to celebrate mothers day, given how raw my loss currently feels.

I said I doubted I would be up for it and I became quite tearful. My husband apologised for bringing it up but said he felt it would be better for me to come out rather than sit home alone with the baby, as he feels its important I celebrate my first mothers day, however I feel more like a bereaved daughter than I do a new mum.

I'm a little hurt that he hasn't considered possibly just seeing his mum, giving her a present and maybe taking her out for a meal.another day - SIL could still take MIL out on the day itself. I'm still very traumatised by my mums death, however I realise my feelings may be unreasonable as I'm not his mum and his mum does deserve to be spoiled on MD. I've not said anything and have said I'm more than happy for him to take his lovely mum out, as I do feel that my feelings may be irrational.

What would you expect your husband to do in this case?

It seems like there are only 2 options for mother's day. Go along and join and celebrate mother's day the way MIL wants to celebrate mother's day or sit in a dark room alone and miserable
Maybe they want to find their own ways to celebrate being a mum and remembering their mother. Maybe they want to sit and watch their favourite film and have a cuddle with their husband on a bitter sweet day. Maybe they want to sit in PJ's and eat a takeaway and spend time with their husband and child. Maybe they want to soak in the bath with nice smellies and have an hour of not being mum.

The only option for mother's day are not wallow or be with a big group of people.

The only option for mother's day are not wallow or be with a big group of people.

Not all. But the other choice is to not stop other people spending it in the way they want.

In a family it is impossible to get everyone's needs met simultaneously.

Would mil world be completely broken if her children took her out for a lovely meal the day before mothering Sunday or the Sunday after? Probably not. Would OPs world be completely broken if she was left unsupported with a colicky newborn on a potentially very difficult day. Yes that's a lot more likely to happen. Her needs on the 10th march are more linked to that specific day. Mil can easily have her needs met on the 9th, 11th 17th and so on

My first mother's days we were still in lockdown and I had severe pnd no way in hell was I in a position a. To celebrate mother's day with my mother and b. To have my partner spend the entire day with his mother. Mother's day itself was about me being a mum and my partner being a dad and partner. We celebrate "mother's day" with both of our mothers separately in a way that they both wanted. It's not just one day of the year that you can recognise everything your mother or mother I law or partner does for you.

It's not the only calendar event that needs balance and perspective. We did Christmas with my family on the 17th and 30th December and we spent a week with my in-laws in the middle. It was a 6h drive each way to my in-laws but my parents are half an hour away. We personally do mother's day with one family and fathers day with the other as each family has a mother/father birthday close to mother's/father's day so we join the two together. We celebrate with the opposite family as soon as is practical.

Families up and down the country will be trying to balance how to honour all the women in their lives and I'm flabbergasted that in this situation the most vulnerable woman is the one that is being told to suck it up and do what is best by everyone else.