To be hurt about DH and mothers day

[Dayzychains]

Long time lurker. First time poster.

I am mum to a 3 month old baby and I lost my own mum 2 months ago. A couple of days ago, my husband asked me about how I felt about mothers day, and would I be up for a meal with his mum.

I have a lovely relationship with my MIL. She is wonderful and a lovely grandma to our baby. However, I really don't feel up to going out for a meal to celebrate mothers day, given how raw my loss currently feels.

I said I doubted I would be up for it and I became quite tearful. My husband apologised for bringing it up but said he felt it would be better for me to come out rather than sit home alone with the baby, as he feels its important I celebrate my first mothers day, however I feel more like a bereaved daughter than I do a new mum.

I'm a little hurt that he hasn't considered possibly just seeing his mum, giving her a present and maybe taking her out for a meal.another day - SIL could still take MIL out on the day itself. I'm still very traumatised by my mums death, however I realise my feelings may be unreasonable as I'm not his mum and his mum does deserve to be spoiled on MD. I've not said anything and have said I'm more than happy for him to take his lovely mum out, as I do feel that my feelings may be irrational.

What would you expect your husband to do in this case?

Thanks for your update. So your MIL hasn't an idea what the plans are.

So ideally you'd spend it with your DH and child.
Second best plan is for DH to go out for a couple of hours with baby.

Depending on how strongly you feel about either and what compromises work best push for that.

I feel a bit sad that your husband isn't listening to you.

You seem to have asked because you feel he's wrong, but are then defending him when people are agreeing he's wrong! He's not considering you at all here, and he should be. You've asked him to take the baby, he said no. He's pushed you to go out with them when you've said no. He is basically spending mothers day totally without you. I change my comment above from both are you are not unreasonable to he is unreasonable.

He should be putting you first this Mother's Day. You mentioned there is a SIL that will spend the actual day with her. If MIL is as lovely as you say she is, she will understand.
I'm very sorry for your loss 💐

However, imagine if this ended up being his Mums last he would forever remember not spending time with her for a bit.

😦

Not sure if you're agreeing/disagreeing?

Since you go to bed so early, could you not ask for them to make it a dinner instead of lunch this year? I'm sure they would understand, and it would mean your dh is there to support you and help you with the baby during the day.

This.

Going against the grain here…

Last year, my cousin skipped seeing his mother for Mother’s Day to spend it with his wife (no kids) as it was her first Mother’s Day without her own mother & she wanted him to stay with her; fast forward a month & his mother (my aunt) unexpectedly passed away. Now has Mother’s Day is approaching again, he’s consumed with guilt & sadness that he’ll never have another Mother’s Day with his Mother.

To be honest, there’s a long backstory here but life is short & no one is promised tomorrow.

Really surprised by the replies!

It’s your first Mother’s Day with your baby AND the first one since your mum died, which was in itself recent? Absolutely no way I would be entertaining the idea of celebrating his mum! I’m sure she’s delightful but she’s also a grown up who has had I would bet 30-40 mothers days with her children. She can survive DH not coming to this meal and seeing her the day before/the week after. It’s not about her feelings, you’re a recently bereaved daughter who has a tiny baby. If DH insists on going, firstly I judge him, but second he absolutely takes the baby and you can be alone and cry/grieve/rest as you need to. And then he comes home and supports you.

I think just say you really don’t fancy coming out as you wouldn’t enjoy celebrating Mother’s Day so soon after the loss of your mum.

This is what I've said.

I'm not defending him as such, just trying to give information

I think it is totally acceptable to say you've thought about it and need his support and could he see his mum a different day or just pop in briefly. After all, it's your first mother's day and you deserve some help and looking after even if you don't want to 'celebrate' as such. I didn't see my dad the first fathers day after fil died. I arranged to do something nice with DH and DD. But even if it wasn't for your sad loss, I kind of think a mums first mother's day as a mother trumps someone who has presumably had 30+ years of mothers days, and of course in the early years it's up to your DH to facilitate that. Particularly as it sounds like she will have other family around her but you'll be alone. (And I did role my eyes at him thinking it's important baby was with you! Why, is DC planning on making you breakfast in bed!? - seriously the least he can do is give you a break!)

We've never spent every single mother's day with our mother's, even before we had kids as DH's isn't local, but certainly not since as there are now essentially 3 mothers to consider (5 if you include our sisters) and you can't please all of them every year. Some years it is just a card and phone call. Isn't that the norm once families grow?

I was emotional enough for the first few months of my babies' lives, I can't imagine combining that with grief, so you need to be 'selfish' and say what you need sometimes.

i think you should really tell him this is both your first Mother’s Day as a mum and your first Mother’s Day without your mum and you really need him to celebrate what you’ve achieved for the first and support you in getting through the second ,and going out with his mum does neither. That this one year you really need his support for you, and you will not in any way get that if he disappears out for lunch and doesn’t come back so it’s just you and baby like every other day. You want him to drive you to your mothers grave because he supports you in your grief and he knows you would do that for him.

one of the ways my Dh was a selfish jerk with our first baby was he did nothing for my first Mother’s Day. You never get that back op as a memory, and he will never ever understand. And I didn’t have the added challenge of having just lost my own mum. please tell him how you feel.

Just tell him the truth OP. He would want to know. Just say - listen I feel horrible asking but is there any chance you could stay with me and baby and take your mum out another day? It's my first mother's day as a mum and my first without my own mum so I'm feeling really vulnerable. ' From what you've said about him hopefully he will just agree. His mum has had plenty of mother's days, one where she doesn't see him for lunch won't kill her.

but he said he thought it was more important baby stay with me as its mother's day
The baby is too young to know or care, and you, the actual mother, have said you'd like him to take her, so he doesn't get to decide what's "important".
If you decide baby can be away from you for a couple of hours, then that's a perfect solution - you get a rest, MIL gets to see her grandchild, dh gets to see his mum. He'll probably have to leave the lunch a bit sooner than he likes and he won't get to drink but that's reasonable, the day is not about him. And then he can come home and celebrate you being a mother, in a way that you choose.
He seems to be doing altogether too much deciding about what you should want and do, here. Speak up for yourself - don't "tentatively suggest". Tell him.

I wouldn’t let your image of your DH and his family being ‘lovely’ cloud your judgement. He’s a father of a young baby whose wife co-sleeps (and probably breastfeeds too?) Even on a normal day, him going out socially and leaving you alone with the baby would be something to be negotiated and agreed and with a clear understanding that he is the one being done a favour. People aren’t just lovely full stop (especially not men tbh). If he wants to go out alone without his child he is asking for a favour, not giving one, and he needs to present it as such graciously.

If you want to sleep and have a few hours away from the baby then tell him more clearly.
Mothers day IMHO is not about spending time with mother necessarily but remembering all the things mothers do. So if the best way you can spend mothers day is to have a bit of a lie in, some time to go to your DM grave then that's what you should ask for.
He sounds like he's trying to be thoughtful but you just need to be clear in your needs and wants.
Fwiw I always prefer a mothers day that does not involve my kids (they only live with me part time) as it means I get peace and quiet which is rhe best present ever!

I don’t see why he can’t at least visit his mum with flowers and a card. There are a lot of hours in the day. Looking after you for a whole day is not necessary surely. I think you should give him your blessing to see his mum (not the whole meal and hours of drinks) because it’s respectful to her too. I wouldn’t like to not see my mum on Mother’s Day for her sake.

Does your SIL have children? If this is usual way of celebrating with MIL can’t see it is much fun for DC?

If I was MIL I would totally understand if your DH stayed with you if that is what you wanted.

Sorry, I joined your dh there, telling you what to do. Him taking baby to see MIL is only a perfect solution if it works for you. If you just want him to stay home and look after you both then tell him that. Your lovely MIL will understand. Could she visit you for a cup of tea on the Saturday (with dh on kettle duty, obvs)?

This is what I would have hoped he'd suggest.

No other dc in family.

Of course he must see his mum. You can ask him to spend another day with you, visit your mum's grave etc. If you want him to take the baby, tell him that's what you want.

I never said he shouldn't? Have I been unclear about my preference that he split the day?

Sorry for your loss 💐

I agree with this. I would encourage him to go. If you can face it I would encourage you to go too … what would your mum have wanted? …. but if you can’t thats reasonable of course. I would want my dh to see his mum though if anything it is a reminder tomorrow isn’t promised as others have said.