My fiancé has asked me to lie about childrens religion to his parents

[Quickrunner91]

Fiance has asked me to lie about the religion of our future children to his family.

My fiancés family are very religious. We are not particularly religious. When we have children, we’d like to show them all different religions but allow them to make their own choices.

My fiancés family lives abroad, but he’s asked if we go to see them with children we may have in future, that we lie that we’re raising the children a certain religion.

Am I wrong to feel a little annoyed about this? I want things to go smoothly but at the same time I don’t see why I should have to lie about my own children

I have to agree with this.

Then tell him when he becomes an adult man, you might consider having children with him.

But until then, he can keep lying to mummy and daddy.

Seriously you need to watch what @AelinAshriver watched today. You can not marry and have children with a man who can so easily lie about such big things in his life.

I use to live near a woman whose children were taken to an Islamic country by their father and never returned, this is over 30 years ago, I played with her kids so I may be bias, but it’s a big no from me. I also say that with many Islamic friends, but they don’t pretend to be something they are not.

A 'mock religious marriage' !! Do not marry a man or have children with a man who doesn't have the backbone to stand up to his parents. He is fundamentally dishonest.

How do you know he won't change over time, start insisting the children are actually raised in a religion you don't share? How will you feel if he brings his parents to live with you and expects you to care for them? How will you feel if he insists on your ds being sent to a religious school or demands your dd dresses traditionally, and limits her freedoms?

If he will lie to his parents, he will lie to you too. He has known his parents a lot longer. Honestly OP, don't be such a fool. Tread very very carefully.

Don’t do it!

Run op

Away from him

Huge red flag

If you have a girl will they have to dress ‘appropriately’. Will they be able to live freely without any restriction? Will they expect regular prayers?

Will money be changing hands when you have your fake religious ceremony?

Do you want his family to always be priority over whaf family unit you would become?

If he was raised by strict Islamic parents I'm rather dubious of his claims that he is not religious.

I think you'll find that once you have a child, he will suddenly become very religious exactly like his parents.

mock religious wedding is a perilous position op, as is having to be an accomplice to a lie.
huge red flags i'm sorry to say this relationship is doomed.

Nope nope nope nope nope nope no. And no again. More red flags than China in a frenzy of national pride.

Even if you don’t visit his parents often now, they might expect that to change when there are grandchildren - or to visit you more often. And even if visits don’t increase, there will be contact; & it will be obvious if the children don’t know anything/enough about Islam. Even in babyhood there will be things to do.

How exactly is he planning to fake a Nikah?! (Which is of course not, in the UK, a https://thpsolicitors.co.uk/news-insights/i-have-had-a-nikkah-in-the-uk-is-my-marriage-legally-valid/ legal marriage.)

Perhaps I’m cynical, but it seems to me a way to get you to have a religious wedding & agree to bring your children up as (very lax…) Muslims.

As others have said, why do you think that what he says to you is more honest than what he tells his parents? He will say what he thinks you want to hear. What happens when your DC meet their grandparents eventually and have no knowledge of Islam?

I can tell you for a fact that his parents are not religious(i am a practising/religous Muslim). if they were, no way would they be happy with sex before marriage. and a mock religious wedding? that would be a big no for me as I couldn't say words I don't believe in, especially in a religious context.

islamic marriage ceremony includes the islamic declaration of faith, so essentially you have to declare your faith in Islam and recite prayers before accepting the other as your spouse. it's a hugely spiritual undertaking and I am sure you wouldn't want to take part in what would effectively be a mockery of it. incidentally in islamic religious doctrine, legal marriages (i.e. registry) are also seen valid under islamic law.

actually this is quite common. a lot of the older generation are religious by default and they impose their beliefs without explanation and no wonder the kids don't buy into it

or the alternative is as you said, he is lying.

As someone who is Muslim. I have seen many Muslim men do this with their girlfriends then become wives. And later said Muslim men actually want to practice and then it causes maaaajor issues when non muslim wife and children are not about it.

I remember one man approaching my Dad and asked if I could spend time with said wife and daughter to help them accept Islam. Ugh no...how about you think long term at the start and not with your genitals! If they are interested to talk about and learn sure. But otherwise no.

I have seen this play out a thousand times. It never ends well especially once kids are added.
Yes once in a blue moon I have seen things work out. But usually it is a disaster a much avoidable disaster. If people just be realistic from the start. People change yes and that is normal and fine. But some things can be avoided such as this.

I do have family who are not Muslim but they said from the get go and their partners and kids are not raised Muslim. Grandparents knew. Not happy but they weren't lied to at least.

"he’s asked if we go to see them with children we may have in future, that we lie that we’re raising the children a certain religion."

He's saying this now and you are certain to discover that as soon as you have a child he will be raising it in the religion of his parent's choice.
If he can't be honest about it now it's because he's either scared of their response or because he values the religion more than he's prepared to admit.

@MiddleEats totally agree with you. actually have seen some threads with women who are exactly in the scenario you describe on mumsnet.

@therealcookiemonster his parents don't know they're having sex, do they? They probably pretend to themselves they're not, like when I moved in with my boyfriend's family and my Catholic granny used to say how nice it was they had a spare room so they had space for me.

Oh really it still happens deapite such stories being shared far and wide.

I guess people need to learn the hard way and / or they like to have a dramatic life.

This won't work.

When you visit they will want your husband to go to mosque. Then they will want the children to go too.

And they will want the children to be praying with them and your husband.

If you have a son you will you circumcise him? Because if granny changes a nappy she will notice.

What about when your hypothetical children ask for bacon / ham / peperoni pizza?

Have you ever tried to lie in front of a small child? They pull you up immediately, quite apart from the fact that it is hard enough teaching your children the importance of telling the truth without them seeing that you are perfectly happy to lie.

Sorry OP... big red flags here, absolutely no way would I agree to this. He needs to come clean to his parents... but suspect he won't 🤷🏻‍♀️

He needs to grow up and stop being scared of his parents. Your children will have little respect for him too, so he needs to think about that

Please don't marry someone who is afraid to stand up to his parents.