My fiancé has asked me to lie about childrens religion to his parents

[Quickrunner91]

Fiance has asked me to lie about the religion of our future children to his family.

My fiancés family are very religious. We are not particularly religious. When we have children, we’d like to show them all different religions but allow them to make their own choices.

My fiancés family lives abroad, but he’s asked if we go to see them with children we may have in future, that we lie that we’re raising the children a certain religion.

Am I wrong to feel a little annoyed about this? I want things to go smoothly but at the same time I don’t see why I should have to lie about my own children

Absolutely not.

I can understand it's difficult for him to defy his parents regarding religion and he's currently found himself in a situation of doing so for a easier life but he should not want to put you and your children (when they are old enough ) in the same situation .

I'd be very concerned about his values if he is prepared to lie about big things like this and how far he will go to protect himself and obey his parents. I fear you will not be prioritised if he had to make a choice.

Have you also considered he may go back to his religion in time and may decide he wants to raise his children in his religion. Would you be comfortable with this ?

I'd put my foot down and insist he is honest with his parents before you start a family if he is not willing to be honest then you will need to consider if you are willing to be with a man who lies and puts you in a situation of having to lie.

Red flag here! I wouldn’t be entering into this relationship at all. Too many lies. Definitely wouldn’t be asking my kids to lie.

Would it not be bloody obvious when the kdis are a bit older that they don’t follow Islam?

My family is Jewish (I’m atheist) and I remember my parents asking me not mention our religion one day when we met up with one of my dad’s old friends abroad who was Muslim. My dad had never felt ok to tell him our real religion.

What?

No way should you lie about it!

No No No No and for the avoidance of doubt absolutely NO!

So many red flags here Quickrunner and I hope you are a quick runner

The lies would have to start immediately -
for the fake religious wedding - what will you tell your parents, your family & friends ? Will they have to be in on the lie. The more people involved in a lie, the more likely the lied against get to hear about it. 6 degrees of separation and all that
if you have a son, traditionally they are circumcised. How will you fake this ?

Your fiancé is a fool if he thinks he can get away with such a suggestion, and you would be a fool to agree to do this

I'd be very wary of taking part in a religious ceremony - he may pretend it is "mock" but could later claim you willingly married into his religion.

You would be crazy to agree to this, and if I were you I'd be looking at my partner in a very different light for asking you to do this. It shows he has neither integrity nor a spine, and I certainly wouldn't be having even theoretical kids with him.

This isn't something to lie about because the truth will become a reality when you do have children.

There's a strong possibility you'll find when push come to shove, and children are a reality he'll want them to be Muslim and not actually go the route of allowing them to explore other religions.

I his family are so religious it's surprising they are comfortable their son is complementing marriage with a woman not of that religion. What has he told them woth regards to that? That you are converting?

What sort of mock religious wedding is he planning?

exactly this. eventually he will have to put you and his family with you first. will he do it?

yep exactly. also find it hilarious when couples who have been together for years sleep in seperate bedrooms in parents' houses 🤣 he has probably also told them she has become Muslim and they are 'friends'

Exactly. I can just imagine the scenario.

“Oh yes, mil, we take littlerunner to mosque every week.”

”No we don’t, mummy, we go to the park. You told me to pretend to granny that we go to the mosque. So yes, of course we pretend to go to the mosque, don’t we mummy? Rahhh I’m a dinosaur.”

Unless and until he can stand up to his parents, he is not a guy to marry and have kids with. Be careful not to waste your fertile years with someone, who acts like this.

Why even bring up future, maybe children’s religion? I find that so bloody weird. It’s really none of their business how you bring your children up, is it? They had their go at it. Back right off. I’d be concerned that your partner, whom is presumably an adult, is scared to set boundaries.

I too suggest you watch ‘Not Without My Daughter’ before having children with this man. I knew a lady who this happened to, her son was taken to visit the father’s family and she didn’t see him again for years.

run for the hills!

This has happened to at least two people I know. It is not uncommon for
men to revert to tradition once having kids. Please consider this

Don’t do the mock wedding. Don’t have children. Thiia is the top of iceberg.

This is not going to work. At all.

He is also telling you he is very happy to lie. Huge whoppers. Pretending to be something he isn’t. Masquerading it seems is very comfortable to him.

How can you trust him when he is this dishonest?

This is not a man to plan a future with.

You need someone with the courage of his convictions whose parents do not have such a strong hold over him.

It's time to reconsider the relationship.

I'm going to go against the grain here, simply because this is what my parents did with both sets of their parents. We moved overseas when I was little, I was 1 of 3 kids. Both sets of grandparents were very religious but my parents weren't and wanted to bring us up as you did your kids.

To stop any arguments with the GPs both my parents lied to them, there was no harm done. Am middle aged now and all GPs gone but they never found out and all was well. It would have just caused deep upset if they'd known and many years of bad feelings 🤷‍♀️

Mine is a different scenario I suppose in that my parents had been raised in the same religion.

He sounds immature, untruthful and childish, so I would be very wary of continuing the relationship.
Also, be aware that often when people have children, they change their mind about religion, they might want to "give my child the kind of religious traditions that I had" - you might be ok with this, but you might not. And if you lie to his parents, he will have "proof" that you promised to raise the children in Islam.

If he can't stand up to his parents then how can you maintain any respect for him?

There wouldn't be a snowflake's chance in hell that I would be marrying a man like this.

First of all the lying.

Secondly the subservience to his family's way of doing things. This will never stop.

Thirdly it's time religion stopped dictating what adults do with their lives.

I'll offer you another take, that most white people won't understand. Some cultures put their children under immense pressure and it's very hard to not disappoint them. Even that he's with you probably is a compromise. What it usually means is they end up having to tell a "white lie" you just get used to lying about things that aren't important in the scheme of things. It's up to you to decide where your line is, important you both discuss this now. For me, I doubt I'd care pleasing some in laws in another country that I won't see very often.

This plan is ridiculous.
It's really hard to lie about raising kids as Muslims. There's so much they'd need to know and it will come to light in a second if they're not.

I wouldn't marry a man who couldn't stand up to his parents.

I know several Muslims who've married out of their religion and they've been upfront about not being practising. Parents have had to accept it, whether they're happy with it or not.

Why would you want to have kids with such a weak willed bellend.