My fiancé has asked me to lie about childrens religion to his parents

[Quickrunner91]

Fiance has asked me to lie about the religion of our future children to his family.

My fiancés family are very religious. We are not particularly religious. When we have children, we’d like to show them all different religions but allow them to make their own choices.

My fiancés family lives abroad, but he’s asked if we go to see them with children we may have in future, that we lie that we’re raising the children a certain religion.

Am I wrong to feel a little annoyed about this? I want things to go smoothly but at the same time I don’t see why I should have to lie about my own children

You are not as 'aware' and understanding as you think.

How does this "mock Muslim wedding" thing work?

I'm genuinely intrigued.

How would you know?

Very normal intergenerational issue. Every family needs to find their own solution to spousal cultural differences. How many are 'christened' due to societal/cultural pressure with no intention of adhering to religious strictures?
How many religious weddings are for the spectacle?

What if you have a son and he wants him circumcised in case PIL change his nappy?

No - I would not have children with anyone who wanted me to lie about them, and wanted them to lie about themselves once they are older

I'm Christian & DH is atheist, but we have always been up front and honest about that with families, friends and children

He should be ashamed to even think of putting you in this position. Are you sure that you want to spend the rest of your life with this person?

I wouldn't be too worried about it, lots of muslims in the UK and even in muslim countries are not very practicing at all. They identify as muslim but do not pray, eat halal and drink alcohol. It's quite common.

Your kids will grow up like many in the west who say my family is muslim but do not necessarily follow islam at all.

I know many muslims who say that they are muslim but do not follow the religion at all. Will be similar with your kids, you can tell them about Islam, Christianity and many other religions and lets them decide as they get older. This way they'll never have to lie and pretend they're muslim because as a family you identify as 'muslim'.

It's also likely if your fiancé doesn't identify as muslim he will be ostracised from the family.

It's up to you do what you feel comfortable with but this is the reality of many families. Not to say everyone pretends to be muslims due to religious parents, most time the parents/ grandparents are not religious either.

also just to mention without a Nikkah ceremony it's unlikely they will recognise your marriage and depending on the country they live in, you may need to provide your nikkah certificate as proof of marriage. May need this if you ever want to relocate or for land/inheritance reasons.

Massive red flag

Step away - cultural differences this big are a fucking headache down the line! Trust me !

It will start off with just say we're raising the children in X religion
Then it'll be we need to go to X religion services once a month or whatever so the kids know about it

And before you know it you'll be raising the kids in X religion

The whole thing is ridiculous and absurd. Why can’t you both see it? Your partner needs to grow a pair. What would happen if you told them the truth?would they cut you both off? If they are the kind of people to do that then they’re not worth worrying about.

There's no compromise with Islam. If you have children with this man you will be expected to raise them a certain way, regardless of where the in laws live. Are you prepared for members of the community visiting to check that you are raising good Muslims? If you have a daughter are you prepared for the constraints you will be putting on her life?
If you love this man and are prepared to convert then go for it but just because he says he's not religious don't think that his family's beliefs won't affect you, because they will. He's already asking you to lie and deceive his parents. And if the lie is found out I guarantee it won't be their precious son who gets the blame for it!

And what happens when grandparents ask these children a question related to their supposed religion and poor child can't answer? Even the simplest question, what mosque do you go to. Where/when do you pray/ what did you do for this festival? Etc. Not fair on the children.

What else will.you be expected to lie about? Think now whist you have chance.

Wouldn’t marry someone who can only live a lie…

He is showing you who he is. Believe.

This has disaster written all over it.
Just say, "No," @Quickrunner91

Supposing his family come to visit in the future and expect your family to do religious things and your children don't know how?
I'm all for children making their own decisions about religion.

Oh gosh….no! Not a chance I’d be doing that.
they can either jog on board or jog off. I don’t believe in teaching to lie about their identities to make other people more comfortable.

As a Muslim woman myself, I advise you against continuing with this… unless the female partner is completely committed in the faith and coverts, these marriages rarely work out in the long run. I have sadly seen so many fall apart.

You have to address this. It's unfair to everyone. Are you going to raise your kids to lie to grandparents, or are you confident enough to raise them in your beliefs of inclusivity.

But if you want a relationship with the grandparents - it's going to have to be open and honest - with them having the ability to teach them the joys of religious beliefs and not control them through religious fear or coercion.

The grandparents have a lot to offer.

You have a lot to offer.

If you want a relationship with the grandparents you need to be open and honest - and very much so, set your boundaries - or keep your boundaries flexible - but they are confined to the grandparents only stating "We believe that this is what ..."

But I also suspect your husband has made a few compromises to be with you.

Religion is not the cross he wants to die on. But his parents are important to him.

So why not make an effort to understand his parents' religion, and what teachings are important, and involve your future children as a part of their education. (They should always have insight to think their own minds and, if needed, be able to articulate defending their grandparents, even if they don't agree. That's called an education.)

I have no affinity to any religion. But I've been involved in celebratory events in many religions. I've brought in speakers to speak about many religions.

Your child possibly has a unique opportunity to understand someone else's religious beliefs. People who will value and treasure her.

But listen to what they'd ideally like and events and stages.

I went through the Catholic First Holy Communion ceremony. It didn't make me grow up to be religious, unlike most of my very loved family. But I did get a glimpse into the joys and strengths of religion.

It's an insight.

Religion is a double-edged sword. People believe what they want to believe.

And people will always seek to control other people.

Say no

It's also dependent upon which religion you are talking about. Some religions truly believe that people of all other religions automatically go to Hell. There is also the case of wedding ceremonies where you promise to bring your children in the religion you are married in e.g. Catholic. Both Baptism, confirmation and upbringing. I think Islam doesn't outlaw men marrying a woman from another religion of the Book but not a Muslim girl marrying out of the faith. In any cse it is not outlawed but strongly advised against..

OP says her fiance has described them as very religious. That is a bit different between Islamabad and Luton, don't you think?

Haven't seen any mention of sex in here ut I might have missed a bit!