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AIBU?

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Original poster

My fiancé has asked me to lie about childrens religion to his parents

347 replies

Quickrunner91 · 11/02/2024 00:05

Fiance has asked me to lie about the religion of our future children to his family.

My fiancés family are very religious. We are not particularly religious. When we have children, we’d like to show them all different religions but allow them to make their own choices.

My fiancés family lives abroad, but he’s asked if we go to see them with children we may have in future, that we lie that we’re raising the children a certain religion.

Am I wrong to feel a little annoyed about this? I want things to go smoothly but at the same time I don’t see why I should have to lie about my own children

OP posts:
Oopsydaisypip · 11/02/2024 00:11

Theoretical children always an odd one. Guess it depends how strongly you feel about religion. Wouldn’t be something I would do

Mumoftwo1312 · 11/02/2024 00:13

Don't have kids until you've got him to see how unreasonable this is.

And if he can't see it, have kids with someone else instead

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/02/2024 00:15

No, that’s ridiculous. He’s also expecting you to make the children lie to save the feelings of his parents. That’s not what parenting is about.

I doubt this is the only incompatibility you’ll find on how to bring up future children. I’d dig into that properly before even thinking of ttc.

AelinAshriver · 11/02/2024 00:16

Ironically, I watched 'Not Without My Daughter' with Sally Fields in this afternoon. So my answer is extremely biased 😬🚩

Treehugger22 · 11/02/2024 00:18

Just do it there is no harm

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/02/2024 00:18

Treehugger22 · 11/02/2024 00:18

Just do it there is no harm

You’d be happy with your kids having to lie would you?

Gloriosaford · 11/02/2024 00:21

I would nod along but mention it 'by mistake'.
Partly I'd be curious to see the reaction that he's afraid of and partly because they dont sound like people I'd have much in common with so it'd be handy to fall out with them early on and ignore them for ever after.
This may well be the thin edge of the wedge though, what kind of pretzel will you have to turn yourself into to appease his feted parents?

TempleOfBloom · 11/02/2024 00:23

Oh just do it…What could possibly go wrong?

Once the kids start talking, for example and have not a clue what their grandparents are talking about…or once you start trying to encourage the kids to lie?

Why is your DH so afraid of his parents, or unable to live as an independent adult with his own beliefs or none?

He has no right to ask you and the kids to get embroiled in this.

LizFromMotherland · 11/02/2024 00:25

Treehugger22 · 11/02/2024 00:18

Just do it there is no harm

Fuck that.

If they have a child it will be their child, not the inlaw's.

No need to lie to anyone and the inlaws will have to accept that not everyone shares their religious choices.

LizFromMotherland · 11/02/2024 00:26

This may well be the thin edge of the wedge though, what kind of pretzel will you have to turn yourself into to appease his feted parents?

Or to appease her husband when it comes to his parents.

galliverstravels · 11/02/2024 00:26

Ah the hypothetical parenting stage. I couldn't get too worked up over this given you don't have actual kids to consider, I feel like if you did you'd already know the right answer to this. I am religious and love that our children are being raised with a strong and loving faith, however I would not lie about it and pretend we were atheists if my MIL was somehow anti-Catholic. I know those roles are reversed for you but my point is no you wouldn't lie about it either way. His family would surely wonder why no baptism or first holy communion for a start (insert different significant practices for different faith as applicable)

Outthedoor24 · 11/02/2024 00:29

No way would be a nightmare to keep it up and your asking children to lie.

What about Christening , Or other baby ceremonies? They'll look for photos.

I take it he's also wanting a mock religious wedding?

You are either honest or you walk away.

Original poster
Quickrunner91 · 11/02/2024 00:31

His parents even had to know that we were engaged before moving in together… apparently they would have been appalled about living together and having sex before this.

with the child issue, it’s very difficult becuase I want to make him happy so that we can have peace with his parents and we won’t be seeing them for a large amount of time. My fiancé lies to them already about him being religious to make them happy. It still annoys me that I would have to lie about their religion, buts it’s so incredibly important to his parents

OP posts:
MidnightSerenader · 11/02/2024 00:31

This is the tip of the iceberg, OP.

In terms of the in-laws, and the man you’re with.

Ignore this at your peril.

Original poster
Quickrunner91 · 11/02/2024 00:31

Outthedoor24 · 11/02/2024 00:29

No way would be a nightmare to keep it up and your asking children to lie.

What about Christening , Or other baby ceremonies? They'll look for photos.

I take it he's also wanting a mock religious wedding?

You are either honest or you walk away.

Yes, he wants to mock a religious wedding

OP posts:
Gloriosaford · 11/02/2024 00:32

My concern would be that his parents will always be in control of him & then will use that to control you also OP.
Tell him it's against your principles, after all his parents will understand, what with their very strong religious principles!

OnOtherPlanets · 11/02/2024 00:33

Treehugger22 · 11/02/2024 00:18

Just do it there is no harm

Seriously? And when the kids are old enough to talk, are they also going to be forced to lie about their religious activities?

He sounds deeply immature, to put it mildly, OP, and I would absolutely not contemplate reproducing with someone who thinks this is a normal thing.

Ponderingwindow · 11/02/2024 00:34

I wouldn’t be willing to do that. It wont be as simple as saying you are raising the children in a religion. They will want the children to participate when you visit. If they make declarative statements about the validity of that religion, no matter how offensive those statements might be, you will have to stay quiet.

our parents know we are atheists and that dd will choose her own religion. They aren’t happy about it and we don’t care. I really can’t imagine procreating with someone who didn’t have the fortitude to stand up for something so important.

galliverstravels · 11/02/2024 00:38

Quickrunner91 · 11/02/2024 00:31

His parents even had to know that we were engaged before moving in together… apparently they would have been appalled about living together and having sex before this.

with the child issue, it’s very difficult becuase I want to make him happy so that we can have peace with his parents and we won’t be seeing them for a large amount of time. My fiancé lies to them already about him being religious to make them happy. It still annoys me that I would have to lie about their religion, buts it’s so incredibly important to his parents

I have to ask, have you spoken to his parents about any of this or is this all based on what he's telling you? I can't help wonder if they might be more reasonable than he expects. And what is a mock religious wedding? It's either religious or it's not, seems strange to me that there would be any blurring of that.

Teq · 11/02/2024 00:39

Are you going to have to pretend to be married too?

LizFromMotherland · 11/02/2024 00:40

Quickrunner91 · 11/02/2024 00:31

Yes, he wants to mock a religious wedding

Show quote history

Oh come on now OP, can you not see how ridiculous he is?

Do you really want to marry and have children with such a spineless wet lettuce?

His parents need to accept him for who he is and how he is. If they can't or won't do that, then they care a lot less about him than he thinks.

If I were you, I'd work hard on making him understand that, otherwise you're going to get swept along with a life of misery and lies.

Don't get sucked into it. Tell him you won't be lying to anyone about anything and if he can't or won't accept that, you know he's not the man for you.

If he's happy being a deceitful liar that's his business, but he has no right to make one of you and your children.

MissRheingold · 11/02/2024 00:42

If he can lie to his parents then he will lie to you to suit himself.

A major red flag.

Outthedoor24 · 11/02/2024 00:42

@Quickrunner91 mock wedding - be as your name suggests be a Quick Runner and get the flock out of there. Or you'll be walking into a complete and utter nightmare. You'll be forever controlled by a religion that you don't believe in.

Being curious which religion is it?

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 11/02/2024 00:43

He sounds very stupid.

Does he not realise little kids rat their parents out all the time?

No grandma, we never go to church! He needs a reality check.

Original poster
Quickrunner91 · 11/02/2024 00:44

It’s Islam. His parents live in an Islamic country and we won’t visit them often. He’s not religious at all but says he would get such a headache from his family if he told them that he just pretends he’s religious

OP posts: