To worry that SIL is planning a surprise visit?

[Surpriseobligations]

My sil lives in New Zealand . In the last 10 years she's made a few visits back to the UK.

2 of them have been surprises. One from her parents who were then expected to host her for the two weeks she was home, and the other from us as siblings. To be fair she normally tells someone in the family eg the PILs if she's surprising us or us if she's surprising the PILs. It creates lovely videos but is a PITA from my biased point of view.

I suspect she might do this for mine and Dps wedding that's upcoming . She says she can't come, but I'm worried she will randomly turn up as a surprise. I've tried to be clear that we are submitting final numbers, share pictures of us making place names for example.

I'm slightly concerned she will turn up, we won't have room in transport to venue, she won't have a place setting, won't fit on the right table for the table plan so we will have to chuck someone off the table and ask the venue for last min meals etc and it will be cause of stress on the day.

Is it okay to outright say to her that we don't want any surprises and she has to tell us now? How would we word that? She's having a bad time emotionally right now so don't want to make her feel bad.

Is it better to speak to PILs to explain to them we really don't want to add people last min

Is it a it bride zila to worry about a table plan?

un needed back story but explains why I'm annoyed at the idea

A slight back story is that she winds me up a lot just in general.When this happens the important people often have plans. Eg last time it was tricky as we were going to a family wedding that weekend then back at work (not local to PIL where she stays). People end up asking for emergency annual leave etc. She's very "my sister has just returned after years I'm sure your boss will understand" even when explicitly told we can't pick you up on that date because she's changed the dates

She's very babied by inlaws so I'd be surprised if they don't pay her flights etc as they contribute a lot financially to her to facilitate these trips and she frequently lends money. This is a bug bear a PIL never offer us any financial support and haven't contributed to wedding (they are buying DPs shoes only which are just from and regular higstreet shop). I'm completely fine with that because I don't view it as their job but will be annoyed if they spend thousands on getting her over here.

I'll also be annoyed if part of the wedding is taken up by her surprise appearance, previously its been for birthday parties etc so the focus becomes a bit on the wonderful daughter returning rather than the event.

YANBU
Can you have a phone call with her and your DH and you all on the call and make it very very clear that a surprise visit would not be welcome? And tell in laws too.

YANBU OP.

I hate surprises.

Ugh if she's making a habit of it, it stops being a surprise, doesn't it!

Do what you suggest, ask outright, cards on table, because plans can't then be changed.

Is it your partner's sister?

Let your partner handle it.

I loathe surprises like that

She is making it all about her

Like others have said, I'd let your DH handle this

I mean I'd just leave her to it. If she came on the day she could maker her own way and have no food that would be her own fault.

Get your DP to tell his sister that she needs to grow the fuck up and just tell him if she'll be attending the wedding or not as you need to know before hand and she will not be able to attend on the day if she does her stupid 'surprise' routine.

Which also puts all the attention on her on your wedding day so probably deliberate too.

What SpacePotato said.

YANBU. If she has form for surprise visits, DH needs to tell her in person and follow up on an email, AND let his parents know that this is not the occasion for a surprise. Just tell her "I know you love to surprise us by coming over, so if you're thinking of doing it again, then you need to surprise us telling us by x date. After that, there wouldn't be a space for you and we'd hate you to have a wasted trip".

Ugh. She clearly has form for this type of ‘surprise’. It would be beyond annoying if she tries to make your wedding all about her being there. Not cool. You are right to be concerned. Can your other half speak to his parents if they are historically funding these things?

Hi SIL, just to confirm you’re definitely not coming. I am only checking as I know you love to surprise us, which is normally great, but obviously if you do surprise us for the wedding, you’ll have no place in the cars, no meal ready, no seat at a table, and we don’t want to be asking people last minute to fit any one in, we want a hassle free day as I’m sure you understand. If you are coming we’d love to know now and that would be wonderful, but we totally understand if you can’t as it is a stretch and costs a lot
of money x

it's very immature and self centred, and quite manipulative. You and pil need to agree to let each other know when she plans these surprises again. It sounds exhausting and annoying. Does she think you're props in her life?

Totally agree with what @Allmychickenscometoroost said. But I would send my above message to give her one last chance x

this is great. I wouldn't be leaving it to dp to deal with it, it's your wedding too. Tell her not to make your wedding about her and her twatty surprises

Good grief, please have absolutely no concerns about telling her straight. She is obviously someone who needs things spelt out.

You do not need this hassle at your wedding!

I think that’s a great text to send. I would send that today. And then, if she does surprise you, I would not be kicking anyone off a table…

She probably just likes being felt important and the centre of everyone's attention during the "surprise", especially if her MH isn't great at the moment.

I'd just text her and say that you need to give final numbers for catering and finalise the seating plan in the next week, you're double checking that she's not going to surprise you can come as you want to make sure she's on a good table and has something to eat.

I think @Noshowlomo 's message is perfect.
I was in a similar situation to you last year. Your OP read very familiar to me, interesting because I've never come across anyone like my (extended) family member before.

I think turning up at a wedding as a surprise is abominable manners - unacceptable

Oh I know someone like this, makes everything about her and it's totally exhausting. Thankfully I've gradually reduced contact with her because it gave me the rage.

Give her a call. Explain the final RSVP date and that you'd love it if she was able to come. But there is no wiggle room from the venue on adding people after the RSVP date so just in case she's planning a surprise it would be such a wasted trip as she'd only be able to maybe come to the ceremony and would then have to go home on her own while you all enjoyed the wedding meal and party. And stick to your guns if she does turn up.

Speak on phone to her. Ask how she is going re the bad time and ask directly whether she is going to surprise her brother for his wedding. Insist that you have to know for catering whether she will arrive.
Set the tables with a logical change option.

It would be nice if she could attend.

Absolutely do not include "...which is normally great". Because it isn't, and there's no need to pander to her.

Leaving it to your husband, but I’d expect him to quite clear to her that there’ll be no table space or meal for her if she lies, and that it will damage his respect for her if she pulls an attention seeking limelight stunt. Then, I’d also expect him to cover bases with him parents, if they’re likely to know and pay for flights. I’d be totally blunt: tell them he will be really pissed off if they lie to him.

If it does still happen, make a promise to yourself now that it’s not your problem - you will not be changing any seating plans, and she can bring a protein bag to keep herself going 😉

True @ILoveMyCatButHesAPervert , say “which is normally a pain in everyone’s arse” 😂

She’s almost certainly going to turn up OP. It sounds like she is one of those ‘look at me, I’m fabulous , everything revolves around me’ type of person.

Not sure what you can do about it though.