To worry that SIL is planning a surprise visit?

[Surpriseobligations]

My sil lives in New Zealand . In the last 10 years she's made a few visits back to the UK.

2 of them have been surprises. One from her parents who were then expected to host her for the two weeks she was home, and the other from us as siblings. To be fair she normally tells someone in the family eg the PILs if she's surprising us or us if she's surprising the PILs. It creates lovely videos but is a PITA from my biased point of view.

I suspect she might do this for mine and Dps wedding that's upcoming . She says she can't come, but I'm worried she will randomly turn up as a surprise. I've tried to be clear that we are submitting final numbers, share pictures of us making place names for example.

I'm slightly concerned she will turn up, we won't have room in transport to venue, she won't have a place setting, won't fit on the right table for the table plan so we will have to chuck someone off the table and ask the venue for last min meals etc and it will be cause of stress on the day.

Is it okay to outright say to her that we don't want any surprises and she has to tell us now? How would we word that? She's having a bad time emotionally right now so don't want to make her feel bad.

Is it better to speak to PILs to explain to them we really don't want to add people last min

Is it a it bride zila to worry about a table plan?

un needed back story but explains why I'm annoyed at the idea

A slight back story is that she winds me up a lot just in general.When this happens the important people often have plans. Eg last time it was tricky as we were going to a family wedding that weekend then back at work (not local to PIL where she stays). People end up asking for emergency annual leave etc. She's very "my sister has just returned after years I'm sure your boss will understand" even when explicitly told we can't pick you up on that date because she's changed the dates

She's very babied by inlaws so I'd be surprised if they don't pay her flights etc as they contribute a lot financially to her to facilitate these trips and she frequently lends money. This is a bug bear a PIL never offer us any financial support and haven't contributed to wedding (they are buying DPs shoes only which are just from and regular higstreet shop). I'm completely fine with that because I don't view it as their job but will be annoyed if they spend thousands on getting her over here.

I'll also be annoyed if part of the wedding is taken up by her surprise appearance, previously its been for birthday parties etc so the focus becomes a bit on the wonderful daughter returning rather than the event.

**whowhatwerewhy · Today 13:56

Just tell her you’re "sorry she can't attend but appreciate her letting you know so you can finalise your arrangements, there would be nothing worse than her trying to surprise you and cause lots of stress on your big day . So you’re glad she's been honest with you now "**

This ^^ but I’d send that as a family text so that everyone is clear.

The other option is to plan for her being there and suck up paying for a meal. Then when she inevitably turns up with “surprise!”, you won’t be stressed or upset. Just a “not really Lucy, we were expecting you. You’re on table 3. Forgive us if we get on with our big day as we have so many guests to connect with. See you later “

Agree with this but if you're comfortable, adjust slightly to something along the lines of it would be a shame for her to come over all that way and not be able to attend. (Ie) you won't be scrambling around last minute to indulge her.

You absolutely need to tell her straight.

”We know you love a surprise, but just to say we cannot accommodate any surprise guests on this occasion. If you are coming to the wedding you must tell us by x date, or there won’t be space in the transport and you won’t have a place at the wedding.

If you are coming to the wedding, can you come over and see us the day before/ say your “hellos” before the wedding, as we’d like to great you properly, the family would like to greet you properly and this won’t be possible during the wedding itself. Please do make sure everyone involved knows you’ll be there!”

This is the fundamental paragraph from the OP:

I'll also be annoyed if part of the wedding is taken up by her surprise appearance, previously its been for birthday parties etc so the focus becomes a bit on the wonderful daughter returning rather than the event.

I'd feel exactly like this OP. She sounds tiresome.

Re- your wedding..why do you have to throw someone off a table just to accommodate her ?
I wouldn't be doing it. She sounds very entitled

She’s a twat. Get your DH to have a word with his parents and say you are worried and there won’t be any moving or adding of people on the day. If she comes, she can come to the drinks afterwards.

You are not being unreasonable. The people who turn up on doorsteps without warning anyone, or checking whether it's a good time, are the biggest narcissists, entirely lacking in empathy. Me! Me! Me! Drop everything and be delighted to see me. Not a chance. It's your wedding. You don't need the stress of a self-absorbed person. But then I find "surprise parties" mean. Why would you let someone you care about feel ignored and forgotten for a day?

I wouldn't put it past her to have contacted the venue in advance to let them know to add an extra place setting at the table because eyes coming home as a "lovely surprise".

Ask your PILs and ask the hotel. Tell them you do not want any "lovely surprises" on the day and would rather have the day you've planned out without discommoding any of your other guests on the day to make way for her.

If she shows up, I wouldn't be making a fuss of welcoming her and fawning over her. I'd be politely indifferent. Very few people at the wedding will care. It'll be a nice "Aw, who's that? Grooms sister from Australia. Ah, that's nice. Will I top up your wine?"

I would be honest with her - “Listen, I know you said that you’re not able to come and if that’s the truth, I absolutely understand. The issue is that you have form for “surprising” everyone and turning up for events anyway. I need you to understand that a wedding is not the time or place to do this. If you are coming you need to be catered for, have space in the car, etc, etc. DF and I would also be resentful if you pulled a “Tadaaaah! It’s me!” on what is supposed to be a day that is all about us.”

Kindly, put on your big girl pants and just tell her, be clear so there is no room for miscommunication and also tell the rest of the family you have told her. That or you'll be stressed out and she's likely to ruin your wedding. Conflict sux, but sometimes it's needed. I'd phone her first just as written words can get taken the wrong way, then if follow up in writing. It'll feel awkward but you'll be so glad you did it. I think a poster early on said something about needing to know re seating etc which is true so just say that, it's just sensible and makes sense and if you talk about it properly she should be able to see that. We have an issue with a family member who tends to invite herself to things so I do sympathise.

You tell her not to

🤣

Another option, can you just add her in and plan for her? Or would it make an issue if her space was there? Maybe that's the best way, that avoids any tension and then you don't have to worry about her coming and wrecking things if you've already assumed she is coming. I also assume your husband-to-be would like her there and it is his wedding too.

Perhaps she's pretending she's not going to return but is going to surprise us? 😭

Perfect! Clear and no messing about pretending her "surprises" are welcome.

Just book an extra meal space and expect one more don't stress about it. Transport she can organise herself.

and she frequently lends money
OP, do you mean she borrows money?

Gosh you're so smart. None of us could understand OP until you came along. Thank God for posts like this I say.

🙄

Sorry, its taken some time to read all the responses

It's somewhat heartening to hear others would feel the same.

My inlaws as a whole don't seem to mind the surprises but get a bit het up but the logistics. Dp for example is usually happy to see her but then sad that we have other plans

Eg last time Dp cried with happiness at seeing her but all cried when he realised that we'd barely see her over the 2 weeks and we know because of the effort it takes to come over that we might not see her again for several years.

last time it was a reveal on a Saturday, we had a wedding on the Sunday (my side), then back to work in a different county to PILs. The next days off we had plans but cancelled them (losing ticket money) because the idea of her coming all the way and us not seeing her is rough. Dps job isn't one that does short notice leave very well, and it came in the busy season.

I think I'd expected people to say oh how lovely or to tell me to be a bit more flexible

We are one of the first people on DPs side to have a more formal wedding. There's been very few weddings this generation and so we are the first to have a non church hall style wedding . Previous weddings have been buffets, free seating etc

They already think the idea of a seating plan is a bit stuffy so I wasn't sure if saying "what about my seating plan!" Might be a bit bride zilla esq

Also obviously it's only been 2 surprises out of her 3 visits back (one couldn't of been a surprise because it involved a holiday)

I think I will probably talk to her myself and maybe see if at least I can be in on it so I can do the numbers etc

I also agree re talking to the venue

What does your DP think? If he'd love it then you might just have to suck it up (I'd be the same as you though!). If he's onside it'll be a bit easier as the questions can come from him.

I think I'd expected people to say oh how lovely or to tell me to be a bit more flexible

Again @Surpriseobligations , she is doing this for herself. It isn't necessarily lovely for the people she imposes herself on at short notice. But it's great for her - she gets to be the centre of attention, people change their plans to accommodate her, your husband cries with joy when he sees her.
She isn't bothered about how much she's inconveniencing other people. You owe her nothing.

She has now!!!

Ffs if she shows up shove her on an end of a table somewhere and send out for a Maccies...
Stop feeding her drama from behind her back!!

Fraaahnces · Today 02:29

I would be honest with her - “Listen, I know you said that you’re not able to come and if that’s the truth, I absolutely understand. The issue is that you have form for “surprising” everyone and turning up for events anyway. I need you to understand that a wedding is not the time or place to do this. If you are coming you need to be catered for, have space in the car, etc, etc. DF and I would also be resentful if you pulled a “Tadaaaah! It’s me!” on what is supposed to be a day that is all about

this is perfect