To worry that SIL is planning a surprise visit?

[Surpriseobligations]

My sil lives in New Zealand . In the last 10 years she's made a few visits back to the UK.

2 of them have been surprises. One from her parents who were then expected to host her for the two weeks she was home, and the other from us as siblings. To be fair she normally tells someone in the family eg the PILs if she's surprising us or us if she's surprising the PILs. It creates lovely videos but is a PITA from my biased point of view.

I suspect she might do this for mine and Dps wedding that's upcoming . She says she can't come, but I'm worried she will randomly turn up as a surprise. I've tried to be clear that we are submitting final numbers, share pictures of us making place names for example.

I'm slightly concerned she will turn up, we won't have room in transport to venue, she won't have a place setting, won't fit on the right table for the table plan so we will have to chuck someone off the table and ask the venue for last min meals etc and it will be cause of stress on the day.

Is it okay to outright say to her that we don't want any surprises and she has to tell us now? How would we word that? She's having a bad time emotionally right now so don't want to make her feel bad.

Is it better to speak to PILs to explain to them we really don't want to add people last min

Is it a it bride zila to worry about a table plan?

un needed back story but explains why I'm annoyed at the idea

A slight back story is that she winds me up a lot just in general.When this happens the important people often have plans. Eg last time it was tricky as we were going to a family wedding that weekend then back at work (not local to PIL where she stays). People end up asking for emergency annual leave etc. She's very "my sister has just returned after years I'm sure your boss will understand" even when explicitly told we can't pick you up on that date because she's changed the dates

She's very babied by inlaws so I'd be surprised if they don't pay her flights etc as they contribute a lot financially to her to facilitate these trips and she frequently lends money. This is a bug bear a PIL never offer us any financial support and haven't contributed to wedding (they are buying DPs shoes only which are just from and regular higstreet shop). I'm completely fine with that because I don't view it as their job but will be annoyed if they spend thousands on getting her over here.

I'll also be annoyed if part of the wedding is taken up by her surprise appearance, previously its been for birthday parties etc so the focus becomes a bit on the wonderful daughter returning rather than the event.

Are children’s portions/meals available at your wedding? Order her one of those at the children’s table

Yanbu.
I had a brother who would do this. Lived far side of the States. Never heard from him from one year to the next. Arrived the day before my Mums big birthday and was upset that we had got London theatre tickets for the day itself. They cost a fortune but surely Mum would rather have a party at home with the prodigal son. Maybe if we had known.....

SHe's declined, you'll be busy; maybe let her know a few local restaurants where she can eat on the day.

This is really good and I'd have your partner follow it up with his parents even more directly that you'd both be really annoyed on the day if she turned up and messed with all the months of planning you've done, that it wouldn't be a welcome surprise and you'd both be annoyed that she'd made the day about her.

That's very self centred if she does that. But maybe she's spoken to the venue to make sure thefes room and even paid for it

Well most people have phones, don’t they.

You can't 'book' yourself into someone else's wedding, the venue isn't the host, the bride and groom are the hosts. That also doesn't solve the whole problem of it being designed to steal focus from the couple whose wedding it actually is.

I would send a message telling how sorry you are she can’t come but incase her plans change her you’ve included her in your wedding plans. Accommodation, transport and food all organised.

Give her a date she needs to inform you by if she definitely can’t make it and tell her her place won’t be reinstated if she cancels.

pinkyredrose
yip!😅

@Allmychickenscometoroost I mean, I'm not saying it's a definite but Ive managed event venues and if a close relative like that said can I pay for an extra two to surprise my brother I would have settings available in the back and then see if it was legit on the day (ie you never know if they're lying and actually an enemy😂). And I never said it solved anything, I was merely suggesting a scenario , which although unlikely isn't impossible!

I don’t see how she could become the focus if attention at your wedding. Who apart from her parents would be that interested in her arrival? Doubt your friends or the relatives on bride’s side give a fig really.

Surely most of us would travel if their dps were footing the bill though?

Urgh. She sounds exhausting. Be clear and upfront - no need to pander to her feelings - she’s a grown woman. It’s your wedding - you absolutely should not have to share the limelight. Hope you have a fab day.

Would she literally just show up at the ceremony? In frock and hat? Taa-daa?!

I think it would be lovely (for your DP) if she turned up during the week ahead of the big day. Celebrating his wedding with all of his family.

But I agree that a grand entrance on the day itself would be very self-centred and unwelcome.

My stepbrother phoned a week ahead of my wedding to say he'd managed to get a flight so that he could join us. Neither I nor his own DM had seen him in years. The ceremony was the first time we set eyes on him. It was a wonderful way to celebrate, and I'm glad he made it over.

I'm sure you'd love your SIL at your wedding if you get plenty of notice. But I agree hat a surprise would be very ill mannered of her.

I'm so petty. My first thought would be I hope she does do something that fucking stupid so I can completely ignore her and let her know she can't come to the wedding.

You do need to make it clear. Let her know any surprises will not be welcome and she cannot come to the wedding if she doesn't RSVP.

This, she’s making a habit of stealing people’s thunder, and for your wedding the thunder should very much be yours!

I had similar when I married my ex, years ago, not a surprise as such, but a couple of days notice to rearrange stuff as his aunt&uncle who were very much invited, asked if they could bring their daughter and grandchild who were visiting from South Africa…yes we accommodated them but it really pissed me off

Whichever option you go with, make sure you have enlisted a trusted friend or family member to head her off at the pass if she does just turn up. They can then keep her disruption to a minimum (and hopefully deprive her of her 'grand entrance surprise'.

She sounds like an attention seeking wanker.

Nadhawlsmas draft was diplomatic and effective. Prob gentler than the wanker deserves but the best route nevertheless I think

This is what I would do

I'd go with @Noshowlomo 's message or similar from your DP.

Then you follow up with MIL - you're sure you're being very unfair on SIL and that she wouldn't dream of pulling a stunt like that at someone else's wedding, but you're overthinking things a bit and so could MIL just promise to tell you if she changes her mind and decides to come. It'll put your mind at ease if she promises.

Then cross your fingers. If they still evade you and show up be ready to laugh and say "hardly a suprise SIL you do this every time!".

Oh and if she does it again outwith the wedding don't rearrange your life around her. Once, ok, it's a paid but I'd do it. Not more than that. Just on repeat "oh dear SIL, I know it's such a shame, if you'd only told us you were coming we'd be able to make arrangements".

Agreed. Don't praise her habit of turning up unannounced, because she's doing it for herself and it's inconvenient and annoying for everyone else.

I’d book her a place and add her into the seating plan. Then it’s no longer a surprise and she can’t ruin it. Better to have more space than less.
Be much better for your stress levels to know that you have this situation covered should it arrive (which seems very likely).
Play her at her own game.

I like the idea of sorting a place for her. Make sure it's either at the kids' table or near the kitchen, though 😎